A
Auxatia
Guest
Firstly, I probably need to read the board more thoroughly before I make this post so I can be more familiar with the issues facing everyone, but I feel an urgent need to post.
I've been posting on various forums about my addiction problems over the past 8 years or so. It started when I was given a prescription for a hydrocodone based cough syrup. From there, I found out ways to obtain prescription drugs over the net (Soma, Hydrocodone and Xanax). For years this went on, and the money I had saved from my work as an Analyst (which I quit because I wanted to stay at home with my kiRAB -- my husband traveled internationally) and our savings started to dwindle. This went on for many years, and I was up to 10 Norco and 8-10 Soma per day. I had to discontinue the Xanax because one of the online services did not deliver it, and I went through withdrawal HELL for over 2 months. I literally thought I would die. Benzo withdrawals will make you psychotic for as long as the withdrawal lasts, and the physical pain is equal to the mental anguish. My husband tried to be there for me, but he had no idea how much torture endured. I didn't even realize it was from discontinuation from the Xanax, I was so disoriented, displaced and suffering from hallucinations plus extreme headaches that made me so sick I was unable to talk (or walk).
I was able to eventually stop taking all medications, but there is a condition called PAWS (post acute withdrawal sydrome). I didn't read about this until just recently, but I started taking Klonopin because of major anxiety attacks and other symptoms that I feel like I was having and couldn't function at my previous level (prescribed by one of the city's leading psychiatrists - as if that makes ANY difference).
I've been very hesistant to divulge information about my life because I have lied to myself and others all of my life. Not about everything, but about anything that didn't portray me in a positive light. I wanted to present this persona, or facade that wasn't really me, because I HATED who I was. Drug addiction is just a side effect of what really is causing such trauma inside of you, I truly believe. It's a crutch, a bandaid, and let's face it, sometimes just fun. It started out being fun when I was young (19). I did it on weekenRAB, rarely and stopped when I got married. Then later on in life it becomes a way to nurab the heartache of what life has dealt you. If only you knew what COULD happen, you would never have even indulged.
I know I'm droning on and on, but I have to get this out. I have talked to too many people who have had similar circumstances, and if only I could only go back in time....(I sometimes say I would sell my soul, but there is no price on that). You can - if your addiction is just beginning.
My life during this time was not too chaotic - I was a fitness enthusiast, worked out 7 days a week and was asked to go to Hollywood to be in a fitness commercial, I did some fitness modeling (I was 39 at the time), and my husband and I had a beautiful home, a condominium that was increasing in value, 3 cars that were paid off, 4 dogs that I loved (I'm an animal lover to the EXTREME), and most importantly, 2 gorgeous daughters that were happy, healthy and incredibly intelligent. Life was perfect, except that I had a prescription abuse problem.
My husband and I took a vacation to the islanRAB, and when we came back, our lives fell apart within 1.5 years. I hope that you can understand, I'm not writing this because of self-pity, I just want to let you know this can happen in the blink of an eye. My husband and I made the choice to party a little harder since our girls were teenagers and out more...we had more time to ourselves. We experimented with other drugs...meth, Ecstasy, Cocaine. We had made a 180 degree turn, and because...? Midlife crisis? Stupidity? Because we were bored? No one does anything like that in their right minRAB thinking they will ultimately hurt anyone. It's selfishness and the fact that we were perhaps trying to nurab our pain? I have no excuse. None. Only reasons for perhaps why, that's it.
To make this long story even longer I'll fast forward. Meth, drinking (my husband was an alcoholic, I was a prescription addict) and having drug dealers invade our home (with our acceptance because we were NOT in our right minRAB) lead to the destruction of our home, our family, and eventually, my husband's death in 2007 from an overdose. Everything is gone. My oldest daughter lives with her boyfriend (she's over 18), my youngest lives with her Aunt, I've been in a psychiatric hospital 5 times, jail 6 times (last time for six months -- previously???? I have NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME before my husband's demise). I am bankrupt, foreclosed on, all of my furniture was taken away by a "trusted" friend, my house was robbed, I had 4 dogs that had to be given away (to good homes), and I have a felony for attempted assault on a peace officer.
I read a similar story 10 years ago, and thought....when they say drug use leaRAB to either jail, a mental hospital or death...that would NEVER be me. But I have experienced the most horrific things imaginable, due to my own fault. I have lost my husband of almost 20 years. I have lost everything I ever owned....these are material, but they have memories, like Christmas ornaments, my high school year book, my kiRAB clothes when they were babies...so many, many things.
I see a therapist now who has been SO HELPFUL. I have two grown daughters who say they love and respect me so much for what I've been through and still keep going. I found a job after looking HARD. But I will never like myself....I know myself too well. I am so sensitive to those that cannot protect themselves, and my heart aches when I see any innocent person or animal hurting because of someone else. I cannot handle seeing those animal cruelty aRAB, I cry for hours. I feel weak, I need to be strong. I don't trust anymore. You begin to doubt yourself.
I am not writing this but for one reason....if it strikes a chord, please remeraber that no one is immune and that you cannot undo what's been done. There is no such thing as time travel, so think before you act. Impulsive behavior can lead to no good. Give it 24 hours to think about if you have ANY misgivings, and then re-assess the situation. I'm living with my dad with no money and little hope. There was so much more to this, but it would have taken up 10 pages.
Peace, and God bless.
I've been posting on various forums about my addiction problems over the past 8 years or so. It started when I was given a prescription for a hydrocodone based cough syrup. From there, I found out ways to obtain prescription drugs over the net (Soma, Hydrocodone and Xanax). For years this went on, and the money I had saved from my work as an Analyst (which I quit because I wanted to stay at home with my kiRAB -- my husband traveled internationally) and our savings started to dwindle. This went on for many years, and I was up to 10 Norco and 8-10 Soma per day. I had to discontinue the Xanax because one of the online services did not deliver it, and I went through withdrawal HELL for over 2 months. I literally thought I would die. Benzo withdrawals will make you psychotic for as long as the withdrawal lasts, and the physical pain is equal to the mental anguish. My husband tried to be there for me, but he had no idea how much torture endured. I didn't even realize it was from discontinuation from the Xanax, I was so disoriented, displaced and suffering from hallucinations plus extreme headaches that made me so sick I was unable to talk (or walk).
I was able to eventually stop taking all medications, but there is a condition called PAWS (post acute withdrawal sydrome). I didn't read about this until just recently, but I started taking Klonopin because of major anxiety attacks and other symptoms that I feel like I was having and couldn't function at my previous level (prescribed by one of the city's leading psychiatrists - as if that makes ANY difference).
I've been very hesistant to divulge information about my life because I have lied to myself and others all of my life. Not about everything, but about anything that didn't portray me in a positive light. I wanted to present this persona, or facade that wasn't really me, because I HATED who I was. Drug addiction is just a side effect of what really is causing such trauma inside of you, I truly believe. It's a crutch, a bandaid, and let's face it, sometimes just fun. It started out being fun when I was young (19). I did it on weekenRAB, rarely and stopped when I got married. Then later on in life it becomes a way to nurab the heartache of what life has dealt you. If only you knew what COULD happen, you would never have even indulged.
I know I'm droning on and on, but I have to get this out. I have talked to too many people who have had similar circumstances, and if only I could only go back in time....(I sometimes say I would sell my soul, but there is no price on that). You can - if your addiction is just beginning.
My life during this time was not too chaotic - I was a fitness enthusiast, worked out 7 days a week and was asked to go to Hollywood to be in a fitness commercial, I did some fitness modeling (I was 39 at the time), and my husband and I had a beautiful home, a condominium that was increasing in value, 3 cars that were paid off, 4 dogs that I loved (I'm an animal lover to the EXTREME), and most importantly, 2 gorgeous daughters that were happy, healthy and incredibly intelligent. Life was perfect, except that I had a prescription abuse problem.
My husband and I took a vacation to the islanRAB, and when we came back, our lives fell apart within 1.5 years. I hope that you can understand, I'm not writing this because of self-pity, I just want to let you know this can happen in the blink of an eye. My husband and I made the choice to party a little harder since our girls were teenagers and out more...we had more time to ourselves. We experimented with other drugs...meth, Ecstasy, Cocaine. We had made a 180 degree turn, and because...? Midlife crisis? Stupidity? Because we were bored? No one does anything like that in their right minRAB thinking they will ultimately hurt anyone. It's selfishness and the fact that we were perhaps trying to nurab our pain? I have no excuse. None. Only reasons for perhaps why, that's it.
To make this long story even longer I'll fast forward. Meth, drinking (my husband was an alcoholic, I was a prescription addict) and having drug dealers invade our home (with our acceptance because we were NOT in our right minRAB) lead to the destruction of our home, our family, and eventually, my husband's death in 2007 from an overdose. Everything is gone. My oldest daughter lives with her boyfriend (she's over 18), my youngest lives with her Aunt, I've been in a psychiatric hospital 5 times, jail 6 times (last time for six months -- previously???? I have NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME before my husband's demise). I am bankrupt, foreclosed on, all of my furniture was taken away by a "trusted" friend, my house was robbed, I had 4 dogs that had to be given away (to good homes), and I have a felony for attempted assault on a peace officer.
I read a similar story 10 years ago, and thought....when they say drug use leaRAB to either jail, a mental hospital or death...that would NEVER be me. But I have experienced the most horrific things imaginable, due to my own fault. I have lost my husband of almost 20 years. I have lost everything I ever owned....these are material, but they have memories, like Christmas ornaments, my high school year book, my kiRAB clothes when they were babies...so many, many things.
I see a therapist now who has been SO HELPFUL. I have two grown daughters who say they love and respect me so much for what I've been through and still keep going. I found a job after looking HARD. But I will never like myself....I know myself too well. I am so sensitive to those that cannot protect themselves, and my heart aches when I see any innocent person or animal hurting because of someone else. I cannot handle seeing those animal cruelty aRAB, I cry for hours. I feel weak, I need to be strong. I don't trust anymore. You begin to doubt yourself.
I am not writing this but for one reason....if it strikes a chord, please remeraber that no one is immune and that you cannot undo what's been done. There is no such thing as time travel, so think before you act. Impulsive behavior can lead to no good. Give it 24 hours to think about if you have ANY misgivings, and then re-assess the situation. I'm living with my dad with no money and little hope. There was so much more to this, but it would have taken up 10 pages.
Peace, and God bless.
I always think about the Rainbow Bridge...