Recently I have been wandering about my sexual orientation. I am very confused about it all and would like some help. I am a 15 year old guy and whilst I am very attracted to women – their smell, their breasts, the idea of pleasuring one is a great turn on too – I sometimes find myself wandering about whether or not I am gay… I have tried the whole ‘let your penis decide’ approach, but it seems rather unreliable as it goes up and down more than a yoyo. However most of the time looking at a guy sexually makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable and not turned on really. Sometimes however the idea of giving a guy a handjob sparks a bit of a reaction but I generally have my own penis in mind at the time so that’s probably not very accurate as my mind associates that image with sexual time.
I have spoken to my Mum about it and she tells me she had a very similar experience when she was younger, and in time it all blew over. I don’t know really how much this anxiety has to do with my sexuality, especially as it’s gotten worse since I have had some ‘family issues’ which have been rather stressful. Another thought that’s troubling is the idea of a guy with a six pack. I kind of have the temptation to touch one, but I don’t particularly feel aroused… not how I feel about girls torsos anyway! ;-). It’s more of a, ‘wish I was him’, rather than ‘want to be with him’ if that makes sense? Of course I know it’s a confusing age, any experience from your teen years would be much appreciated reader. I don’t know, it’s really hard to tell as I am so sexually charged all the time… It’s hard though, because though it seems obvious that I am just a typical heterosexual teenager who’s mind’s wondering, I read so much about ‘closeted homosexuals’ and ‘repressed sexuality’ and start wandering if that’s what I am, as the homosexual part would explain my mild sexual interest in guys, but the repression part would explain why it’s only mild compared to how I feel about women.
For any gay people reading this, don’t think I am for some bigoted, small minded, self obsessed cunt. The idea of being gay isn’t repelling to me because I myself am socially intolerant of them (my best friend is bisexual and he’s the funniest, nicest guy I know), I don’t know why I feel so repelled by the idea… maybe someone could shed light on that part? Also please don’t simply say ‘experiment’ because that idea makes me feel very uncomfortable… I literally felt scarred after watching a gay porn video to monitor the reaction from ‘down under’ (which was negative, but maybe because I feel so anxious and uncomfortable about the topic I am unable to get a reaction from gay images?). I over think I know… and over write… By the way I have a girlfriend and I love making out with her, and I can’t keep my hand out of her bra when we do so. That makes the whole thing more worrying as I have heterosexual experience, albeit not very much of it though! One last thing: I saw a guy the other day and he was the typically cool attractive guy, and I was ind of drawn to looking at him, but it was in a ‘I wish I had his hair and looks’ kind of way because then I could attract this girl who I spent years drooling over! But then my mind kind of took it in the wrong way and I started trying to imagine myself with my arm around him and kissing him… it made me feel really anxious and it gave me a weird feeling in my penis (not a sexual one though). Is it possible to manifest feelings in parts of your body when you’re so anxious and monitoring the reaction so obsessively? I know sometimes people can think they have pains related to illnesses if they obsess enough. Also when I imagine being with a girl in a relationship (I don’t see my girlfriend a lot so I have to imagine!) it feels right and gives me a warm feeling. When I try to imagine the same with a guy it just once again makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
Thanks for taking the time to read, please help shed as much light on the situation as you can.
I have spoken to my Mum about it and she tells me she had a very similar experience when she was younger, and in time it all blew over. I don’t know really how much this anxiety has to do with my sexuality, especially as it’s gotten worse since I have had some ‘family issues’ which have been rather stressful. Another thought that’s troubling is the idea of a guy with a six pack. I kind of have the temptation to touch one, but I don’t particularly feel aroused… not how I feel about girls torsos anyway! ;-). It’s more of a, ‘wish I was him’, rather than ‘want to be with him’ if that makes sense? Of course I know it’s a confusing age, any experience from your teen years would be much appreciated reader. I don’t know, it’s really hard to tell as I am so sexually charged all the time… It’s hard though, because though it seems obvious that I am just a typical heterosexual teenager who’s mind’s wondering, I read so much about ‘closeted homosexuals’ and ‘repressed sexuality’ and start wandering if that’s what I am, as the homosexual part would explain my mild sexual interest in guys, but the repression part would explain why it’s only mild compared to how I feel about women.
For any gay people reading this, don’t think I am for some bigoted, small minded, self obsessed cunt. The idea of being gay isn’t repelling to me because I myself am socially intolerant of them (my best friend is bisexual and he’s the funniest, nicest guy I know), I don’t know why I feel so repelled by the idea… maybe someone could shed light on that part? Also please don’t simply say ‘experiment’ because that idea makes me feel very uncomfortable… I literally felt scarred after watching a gay porn video to monitor the reaction from ‘down under’ (which was negative, but maybe because I feel so anxious and uncomfortable about the topic I am unable to get a reaction from gay images?). I over think I know… and over write… By the way I have a girlfriend and I love making out with her, and I can’t keep my hand out of her bra when we do so. That makes the whole thing more worrying as I have heterosexual experience, albeit not very much of it though! One last thing: I saw a guy the other day and he was the typically cool attractive guy, and I was ind of drawn to looking at him, but it was in a ‘I wish I had his hair and looks’ kind of way because then I could attract this girl who I spent years drooling over! But then my mind kind of took it in the wrong way and I started trying to imagine myself with my arm around him and kissing him… it made me feel really anxious and it gave me a weird feeling in my penis (not a sexual one though). Is it possible to manifest feelings in parts of your body when you’re so anxious and monitoring the reaction so obsessively? I know sometimes people can think they have pains related to illnesses if they obsess enough. Also when I imagine being with a girl in a relationship (I don’t see my girlfriend a lot so I have to imagine!) it feels right and gives me a warm feeling. When I try to imagine the same with a guy it just once again makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
Thanks for taking the time to read, please help shed as much light on the situation as you can.