PLEASE COMMENT MY POEM!!! I NEED MORE ANSWERS OTHER THAN 2 PEOPLE!!?

D

DUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!

New member
Drug Love

I’m beginning to have self inflictions
Inflictions on some of the worst addictions

I’m having visions that I’ve never had before
I’m constantly lying dead on the floor

My heart is racing
Yet the cane is what I’m steady chasing

The way it flows through me blood as if it were a molecule
I love the sensation even though our love is ridicule

Whenever I sniff the white girl, it just blows my mind
I just wanna hit it one more time

It has my mind going in a swirl
Cocaine is one hell of a girl

The way it makes me feel when I’m done
The way it makes me live life and have fun (being high)

Some people say that it’s a drug habit
I say that it’s a drug ballad
 
In
"My heart is racing
Yet the cane is what I’m steady chasing"
This sounds a little better....Yet my heart is at race
It's the cane I still chase....

In
"The way it flows through me blood as if it were a molecule
I love the sensation even though our love is ridicule"
me should be my. and ridicule would sound better as ridiculed.
In
"The way it makes me feel when I’m done
The way it makes me live life and have fun (being high)"
Try putting "is" on line two in front of "the", replace "and" with "while" on the second line, and add "ing" to "have" on line two as well/
 
Its good, nicely expressed and it has a clever rhyme. Your description is lovely, but drugs are a bit of a sensitive topic. In a poetic sense, it is very good! The only thing I would suggest is reviewing the rhythm, as it doesn't flow very well. The ending has a nice twist.
Is this what you really feel about drugs? It is a sensitive, much debated topic so you might want to write poetry about something different, even though this is good.
Great Work - Not so great Topic!
 
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