Permently Moved.........

B

bekahh

New member
As a newly single Mom when I went back to school, I went for practical reasons. I went for a degree in nursing, not for passion, but as a way to support myself and little girl. I soon got a job at a local clinic were the pay wasn't top notch but they'd pay tuition cost for me to go and receive my practitioner's degree. All was going well until about 6 months later when my Dad got the news that he had cancer. I grabbed up my daughter and flew from California to Michigan to be with and take care of my Dad. The whole situation was stressful for everyone, especially my Dad. After over a year and a half of treatment my Dad was given a clean bill of health and all was kinda well.
After watching someone close go throw what I was supposed to do as a career for the rest of my life, I burned my degree in the backyard. For the next couple of years I waitressed and had other odd jobs here and there. When I finally deceided I could afford to go back to school, I went with passion this time. I'm working on becoming a pastry chef.
The news came about a year ago. After 3 years in remission the cancer was back. I'd been flying back and forth trough out the year, trying to keep everything in balance. Now what ?
I know, as well as my Dad, that his chances this time around are not leaning in his favor.It was difficult, to say the lease, to get my Father to go through with any type of treatment the first time and he's having none of it this time, which I do respect.
But as I sit around my 150+ packed boxes, waiting for the U-haul next week I feel so fucking selfish. Yes I'm upset that I have to leave school, sell my house,and I'm pissed I have to move to Michigan ( no offense ) and I'm pissed that the only reason why I have to do these things is to help and watch my Dad die.
 
I'm glad you're not a nurse. Your english skills are severely lacking; I can only, and shudderingly, imagine what you're nursing skills would be like.

edit; i thought i'd point out from what i draw my conclusion:



It's like it was written by someone who'd only ever heard descriptions of english and longed to see the real thing.
 
Why do you have to be the one to take care of you father is there no one else that can help. I understand wanting to be there and help your father out but you do have a life to live and can't stand around waiting for your father. My father is a cancer surviver and do feel your pain and I wish you and your father the best of luck.
 
I'm sorry to hear you've been trough all that...

All I can say is that it depends on the relationship you have with your dad, if you love him dearly and you are in more than good terms you should not feel guilty for abandoning the University or anything else (except your kid of course). I know it can be hard watching someone you love slowly die away, but if that is their choice and you love them, you are to stand by them, no matter what.

Now if you don't like your dad or you don't care about it, then don't do it just because "he is my dad is the right thing to do", do it because you want to be there for him. Because it can hunt you the rest of your life that kind of thing.
You can always get him a nurse or something, or another close relative...
 
A parents only job is to raise their kids so that those kids can go out and support themselves in the world. Why do you have to move? Why do you have to put your whole life in the toilet every time a parent gets sick? I understand wanting to visit him but unless you're planning to live there, and get some freakin' stability for you and your child, then why the heck are you moving there? People take their "responsibilities" too seriously sometimes.

You have a responsibility to you and your kid to get something decent going on. Your Dad must understand that, or your mom, or whoever is telling you to drop everything. Parents get Cancer, fuck, my mother in law had it several times before she died of something totally unrelated, that doesn't mean your life should be over each time or you'll never have your own life, and your parents would have failed their only job.
 
Feeling selfish is part of a caregiver's depression. It's a normal reaction to feel guilty about not wanting to watch a parent die. You are sacrificing part of your life to help your dad. You feel like you have to do it, but in reality, you want to do it. You want to be the good daughter and do what it takes to make his imminent passing somehow bearable. I'm not a professional, but I think you need help both emotionally and with the caring for your father. It's ok to ask for it.
 
Yes, I want to spend the rest of the time my Dad has left with him. I don't know if it will be over the summer or the year. The only thing I do know is my Father will be dying soon.
I guess to some this is putting my own life on hold or making to many sacrifices but on the other hand if I don't go I don't think I'd ever get over the guilt I would/might feel. If he's already gone, I can't decide I didn't like the way things turned out and call do over.
I do have help and support here (CA) from friends and my brother and a little bit of help ( with care ) in MI. were a hospice care worker will be coming 4 days a week.
Fuck- I don't know !!!! Am I selfish for wanting to go ? Am I selfish for wanting to stay ?
 
The loss of a parent is going to be hard. The fact that your parent in question is not living in the same state makes it even harder. All I can say is that your life is just that, yours. If you choose to stay with your father, however hard it may be, that is a wonderful and beautiful choice. If you choose to continue living your life away from your father, that is a respectable and responsible choice.

From my point of view, and this may be harsh, he's dying... I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to put your life on hold and maybe make irresponsible choices for yourself and your daughter. It is a great and selfless act to stay by his side, but if the costs to you are too great, than it's not the right choice.

Try to visit him as much as possible, and let your daughter get to know him. If you can do that while balancing your own life, nobody loses. :happysad:
 
guilt and depression are parts of the grieving process. It's hard enough going through the stages of grief over a lost loved one; much more so grieving over someone who isn't yet gone because stages are repeated, extended, or disallowed. It's great that you want to be there for your dad, and good for your kid to get to know who he is and spend time with him before he goes. But don't feel guilty over your own feelings. It sounds like you really want to do the right thing, and the guilt you're feeling is over your desires to distance yourself from the problem and stay where you are. Totally understandable. I know saying "don't feel guilty" doesn't really make you stop feeling guilty, but you really have nothing to feel guilty about. You're human, just like the rest of us, and your feelings and desires are totally natural. I'm sure you're father feels guilty as well for all the trouble his illness has caused, what with uprooting you and your family to tend to him.

It's love that makes you want to be there with him, and doing something out of real and honest love is never a bad thing. I'm sure you love your child as well and that love wants you to do what is best for her (like allowing her some stability and a chance to make and stay among friends). But you must also love yourself and do what is right for you; if you live for others for too long, you forget how to live for yourself. Do what you have to do, but don't forget to take some time for yourself as much as you're able.
 
I was adopted by two wonderful people back when I was 6 months old in 1978. And ya' know? When my mom passed away of a heart attack followed by multiple strokes, I was there (I was actually still too young to be anywhere else yet [17], but that's life). When my dad passed away from cancer when I was in college at the time, I dropped out for the time and stayed to help him until the end.

Currently my birth father, who is a great man that has taught me many wonderful things about the world and I am still in contact with a lot... is currently doing battle with a failing liver, a bad gallbladder, and has had multiple mini-strokes over the last few years. Each time I see him he is a little worse for wear and it's only going to be a matter of time before he passes on.

It pains me a little to say that in this situation, I won't be there to take care of him in his final months. You see, my life is different nowadays compared to when I was in High School or college. I have a wife and a son that I provide and care for, I work for a living, I have bills to pay. I really can't afford to just whisk me and my family away to go be with my father.

My father would appreciate it if I could be there, but we've talked about it and he fully agrees with all that I have going on here, that I couldn't possibly come up to be with him 24/7. Of course I make trips up into Oregon to see him, and I will take time away from work to come be at his side when he is about to go... but I have to err on the side of reality and know that some things just can't be done without possibly ruining what I already have going on. I do wish that I could have the luxury of dropping all and going there... but once again, that's life.
 
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