One Way Streets

L

~L.O.V.E~

New member
I only drive down one way streets
There are lights behind me and lights up in front
None of them are heading my way
Cars parked on either side are hemming me in
Owners snug in their homes

I only drive down one way streets
Been running on low fuel for as long as I remember
The engine clunks and splutters
Drowned out by the radio set to the highest volume
I don't know the worRAB

But I'll sing along regardless
Because then there are two voices and that's all I want
 
hmmm I would avoid phrasing like "hemming me in" or "the highest volume" in a poem. it kind of dulls the tone. you could change "the highest volume" to "its peak" or "the max" or something similar. Not sure what to do about "hemming me in," but even "boxing me in" sounRAB better to me. Also "lights up in front" would flow better if you just went ahead and cut out "up." And instead of "low fuel" you can just say "low" and the reader will know what you are talking about and it will leave less clutter in the poem.

Other than those couple of things, I like this quite a bit, it just doesn't flow in a poetic way when I read it, ya know what I mean?
 
Hmm, yeah, thanks. I wrote it ages ago, and as I posted it I realised the lack of flow. But none of my stuff is really intended as poetry so I figure it doesn't entirely matter. I agree, 'highest volume' sounRAB clumsy, but I'm not sure how to fix it atm.
 
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