Okay then, LOGICAL opinions and experiences about sex buddies?

[Mrs Rainey]

I asked a question recently about what you get sex buddies for their birthday, and I was really shocked when I got a flood of offencive comments telling me what a "s*ut" I am and how I have no pride etc etc.

I'm led to believe that these people are prudes or just haven't been getting any, or have no experience in what I'm talking about at all. I don't mind CONSTRUCTIVE advice, but if you've got nothing helpful to say then press the back button now.

What are your experiences with this stuff? I have a sex buddy and we've only had sex once so far but we plan to again next week. We're both friends, and after we've had sex we act completely naturally. On my part, there is no fear whatsoever of getting too attached. I know the dangers of that, but I also know my limits and how far I can go. I'm good at controlling how I feel about people, especially when it comes to severing emotional attachment. Also, we're both afraid of commitment.

We might be going out if:
a) We were in the right mindset for it and wanted a partner
b) We didn't live about a 40 minute bus journey away
c) We weren't afraid of ruining our friendship.

There is nothing more to it, it's as simple as that. We find each other attractive, so we have sex to satisfy the urges. We've talked about it a lot, and he's made it clear that he isn't just 'using me'. We are genuinely friends, just more.

Because of the kind of people we are, I'm pretty sure we won't get attached. He might get a girlfriend and then we'll stop having sex. I'm fine with that.

NOW please give me constructive advice. If you're inexperienced and/or judgemental, please don't both answering because useless comments will just be reported as abuse and ignored.

So, anyone got anything against it now? Has anyone got any constructive criticism, or even support? Most of all, what are your experiences on the matter?
"I don't get what you want to know? Are you asking what others think of having a sex buddy? If so...if you have to ask than you may not want to be a sex buddy anymore. Or you may just like the shocked answers people post to your question."

In response to Lenore, I want to know what people's actual opinions are rather than just get a flood of disapproval. It's those stupid answers that I don't want, if I pay too much attention to them it'll make me paranoid, which I don't want. It's the shocked comments that I don't want to see because they're quite offensive.
In response to dave:

Your comment is appreciated but doesn't contain any useful advice. What I meant when I said that I'm good at controlling my feelings for people is that I'm good at not getting too attached, I'm an introverted person anyway and I've never had an intimate relationship because frankly I don't want one. I find it easier to get over someone than I do to force myself to love them. I can stop liking someone in a day if I want to. So thanks for the concern.

 

[Meg]

Well I'm glad that it works out well for you. I think that if you and your friend are emotionally mature and stable enough to remain friends while still having sex - that's great. It's better to be sleeping with someone you know and trust than fulfilling those urges with random hook-ups or virtual strangers. I think it's great (and important) that you two are able to talk openly about it.

My only concern it that you have only had sex with him once and situations are always apt to change. I think it's safe to err on the side of caution when mixing friends and sex into the same equation. I personally have always had terrible luck with "sex buddies" and wouldn't particularly recommend it - But I'm not you and thus don't have the grounds to tell you what is right or wrong when it comes to your life. I don't, however, think that there is ANYTHING wrong with what you are doing. And I wish you the best of luck.

 

[zanthus]

The GUY will end up getting too attached to YOU in the end.

I have found, that contrary to popular belief, Girls are the ones who can have this type of relationship, but the guy in the end will end up telling you he loves you. Guaranteed.

 

[Dave]

"I was really shocked..."

That's pretty good, because at least you've listened to us.

"I'm led to believe that these people are prudes or just haven't been getting any, or have no experience in what I'm talking about at all."

Aaaah, bless you! If it helps you to explain stuff because you are so shocked, carry on thinking that.

"I'm good at controlling how I feel about people.."

No you're not! Because you then say:

"we're both afraid of commitment."

!!!

"he's made it clear that he isn't just 'using me'"

What else is he MEANT to say? "Of course I'm using you" ?? Would you still want to sleep with him then? He's obviously just going to tell you whatever you want to hear to KEEP you sleeping with him.

"We are genuinely friends, just more."

Genuine friends don't sleep with each other.


"If you're inexperienced and/or judgemental, please don't both answering"

Or you're actually saying "Please don't answer if it's not the answer I want to hear."

I honestly wish you the best of luck, but you can't come on here looking for support because you're only going to get it from:

A) Skanks who are being used too

B) Guys who fancy a bit of you as well (a girl who puts out and expects nothing in return? wow!)

You're already talking about buying him a birthday present....hope you've got those feelings under control?

 

[jellybeanchick]

I have never been in such a situation, but I know people who have. It seems like every time, one person develops an attachment and the other doesn't. It's usually the woman who develops the attachment or "falls in love." Why? Women release a hormone during sex called oxytocin. Oxytocin is a "love hormone" that creates feelings of love. It's also the hormone that is released during birth (in much larger quantities) that creates the bond between mother and baby. So, what I have seen happen every time, is that the woman in the "friends with benefits" situation falls in love. The man generally does not. Eventually the man will break it off, because he meets someone he wants to date, or gets back together with an ex, or something. The woman is heartbroken. Quite often, the woman has been going along with this arrangement in the hopes that he will start to get romantic feelings for her.

I'm sure that there are exceptions to this. And I think a lot of sex buddies start out with the best intentions to keep it just about sex and not let feelings get in the way. Surely there are women out there who can have sex with the same person repeatedly and not develop an attachment. And just as surely, there are men out there who can fall in love in a purely sexual relationship.

I think some good advice would be to take a good hard look at your intentions. If you think that things could develop into more (you may not think this now, but you could think this in the future) you should communicate these feelings to your friend. If the concept of having sex every once in a while with no emotional connection starts to bother you, you should probably break it off before you fall deeper in love. And if you are able to keep emotions out of the whole situation, more power to you.