The thing is that I don't know the out-of-the box info. I bought it online, the box is Chinese. It came with '3 Mobile' branding so I paid a guy 30 bucks to remove the branding. (I know now that it is something I could have done myself)
He did so by just slapping on a new FW. The first time out, I got it back brand-free I noticed that the QWERTY layout had changed - to German, I think. So, I took it back and had him (after a little yelling) put some other firmwares on it. He hasn't been able to put the correct firmware on the phone. At this point, I'm using the phone with the settings that are the most functional. Almost all of the buttons work.
The attached quote mentions 36 variants and a chart. If I had that, I'd be set.
Worse comes to worse, I'll have to do a trial-and-error to get this working.