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Sealy

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Hi...I'm Sealy, and I've been reading the different boarRAB here for quite some time. I'm new to this board, but not new to addiction. I have a chronic back problem, so Ive struggled with pain pills for 25yrs. I finally tapered and quit 5 years ago. Now, I've developed a hip problem, as well as worsening back problem. So, I'm back on pain pills. I used to take Percodan, Oxycontin, Demerol, etc for pain, but I can't take anything with aspirin anymore. Therefore, I've been on Vicodin the past year. I take 4 to 5 a day. Now, after reading about the liver damage tylenol can do, I'm scared. I also have a heart problem, which I can only assume large doses of tylenol can't be good for that either. I've been telling myself I'm not addicted b/c I have real pain, but that's the beside the point. I AM addicted again....the reasons don't matter.

My point is, I guess I just needed to say it outloud...admitt it to myself and see it in writing. Now, my question is, how do I come off Vic's safely? Can I expect the same horrible withdrawals as I had with the past drugs? Could my liver already be ruined? I don't know how I'll be able to live with the pain, but I want OFF this drug regardless. If I dont stop it, I'm afraid I'll be adding liver problems to my long list of other health issues. What's even worse, is the more I worry about thattt, the more Vic's I take. I don't just take them for pain, I take them for emotional comfort as well. They take the edge off.

Well, I'm babbling now, and didnt mean to make this so long. I just wanted to get this on paper, so to speak, before I went to bed. Thank you for listening, and any advice/support would really be appreciated.

Thanks.........Sealy
 
hello and welcome, if you can taper off the vics then that would be the way to go, for me i couldnt taper and had to go cold turkey, this is my second time in a month withdrawing from oxy's/percs....im not giving up though, youll find alot of helpful people here. i was worried about my liver for along time but i never went over the 4000mg per day allowed and i dont drink. i have had it checked many times and even an ultrasound i demanded it. it wouldnt hurt to get some tests done if you can. take care
 
Thanks for responding, Icehouse. Yeah, I''ll have my liver tested next month when I go for my yearly blood workup. I know I've gone over the 4000mg limit many times, but normally I take about 3000mg a day. I dont drink either, so maybe that's saved my liver. Good luck to you coming off the Oxy's/Perc's. I've withdrawn from both of those, and they're hard ones. Well, they're ALL hard to get off of. Maybe the physical part is worse on some drugs, but the hardest part is after withdrawals. Being able to STAY off them is the tricky part. I thought I could take them again short term, just to get me thru the worse pain times. I see now I can't, not w/out getting addicted all over again. Now, I'm back to taking them for mild pain when it's not necessary. I have no idea how to manage my pain now, but I can't risk damaging my liver. Noone in my family knows I'm addicted, nor am I going to tell them. I did it alone before, and I'll do it again. No, on 2nd thought, I didn't do it alone, just without THEM. I found help and support from an online board years ago. If not for them, I'd of never quit the first time. I'm hoping I can find the same support here, as well as be able to help someone else struggling. I've only taken 3 Vic's today, so that's two less than yesterday. At least it's a start.

Good luck to you, too, and thank you again.

Sealy
 
Thanks Ice and Secrets for responding and caring. I'm so grateful for the time yall take to post to me. It's helping me feel hopeful again.

Yes, Icehouse, isn't it strange how we can do something sooo bad for our bodies, yet continue doing it. I believe that comes with the territory of "fog brains". When I quit 5 years ago and my mind was CLEAR for the first time is ages, I couldnt believe the difference in my thinking. My first thought was..."how could I NOT see those drugs could KILL me?". Yet, while on them, I told myself I probably wasnt doing any harm. Now that I'm back on them again, I have that crazy thinking again. One day I'm terrified and want off these pills NOW. Then the next day I'm thinking.."maybe I'm overreacting and I dont need to quit". That in itself screams addiction!

Yes, Secrets, you're right, I take the Vic's to ease emotional pain as well. I began taking pills after back surgery years ago, and ever since then it's been a struggle to ONLY take them as needed for pain. For a while that wasn't hard to do. As years went on, I began taking them for emotional pain. They seem to work well for both...I thought. HUGE mistake. That's where the nightmare began. Then I quit 5 years ago, and it was like life has just begun for me. It was heaven. Then a couple years ago, I developed more back and hip problems, so back to the pills I went. At first I had no choice, the pain was unbearable. I couldnt have made it w/out pain pills. Unfortunately tho, it took me back "mentally" to familiar ground. Once the pain was better, I continued taking the pills. It took very little time to become addicted again. I really thought I could take them, and then stop once the pain was better. I was wrong.

I still have a lot of pain, but it's not every single day. Yet, I take pills every single day just in case of pain. Yeah righttt..lol..not even "I" believe that bs. On the severe pain days, I don't know what Im going to take. I think if I can get my head clear again, I'll come up with another solution, tho. Right now it seems impossible, but I think that's the drugs talking.

I didnt do so well today. I took 5 Vic's today, instead of 3 like yesterday. I wish I could say it was b/c I was in more pain, but I wasn't. I took them b/c I felt the w/d's coming on, and didn't want to deal with it. I could have taken a half a pill to ward off those symptoms. I didn't need 2 more whole pills for that.

Being here at this board is helping me stay honest with myself. Normally, I could have convinced myself I needed them for pain. You guys are helping me more than you know. Not only does it help for me to see my worRAB in writing, but to have yall reaffirm them is like making this crystal clear for me. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm determined to do this. I'm sure I'll flip flop before I get it right. It's such a fine line between being patient with myself, and giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder.

I just can't believe I had quit for SO long, and now I'm back where I started. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting this happen again. At least I don't feel so alone now that I've joined this board. Beating myself doesn't do any good. Matter of fact, it only makes me want to take more and forget about quitting. So, I have to just look at it as I screwed up TODAY, but I can do better tomorrow. Easier said than done, but I'm hoping writing it will help me to believe it.

Again, I want to thank yall so much for making me feel so welcome here. Your support is helping me not feel so alone. I need to read more here, too...so, I can see how many others are in my shoes, or in NEW shoes that I plan to be in soon. Thanks for being here for me, I really need help now.

Sealy
 
your post sounRAB alot like me, ive relapsed multiple times, staying off is the hardest part, i need to learn to re live again without the pills....i know now they are not the answer at all and i didnt realize it for awhile. im glad you dont drink im sure your liver is fine, i was paranoid for along time about it. isnt it crazy that u can continue do something to potentially be bad for your health but keep doin it. thats how strong a grip these drugs can have on us. congrats on only taking the 3 vics today, sounRAB like your really wana quit like i do...keep in touch :)
 
goodmorning, i wanted to write real quick before i go to work, ur right about the fog brain, thats what it is when ur on the stuff esp for years, i couldnt believe how clear i could think, i turned into a chatty cathy at work. people probably thought i was going ON drugs rather than coming off just because i was that different, even body language changes. when i relapsed earlier this month i took 2 perks and 15 minutes later i went from feeling good to a zorabie. it just puts a grey cloud over you and follows you, hang in there ill check up on you later!
 
Icehouse, you're SO right. Everything is different when the foggy brain is gone. Walk different, talk different, everything seems fresh and new. It's looks like the entire world has had a facelift. I wish I felt that way now. I wish I could SEE that., but I can't. I'm just going from memory of when my head was nice and clear. I'm still weaning down, but not making much progress. I don't know how I've gone from being so determined, to feeling like this is hopeless.

I can't seem to go without a pill enuff hours for my head to clear and realize that I CAN stop. I did it before, and I was taking MUCH more than I am now. I pop a pill as soon as the w/d's begin. Sure, it stops the icky nauseated feeling, but it also stops my brain from being able to think for itself. The drugs are still doing my thinking for me. I've got to accept the fact that I HAVE to suffer some w/d's or I'll never quit. My drugged brain will NEVER say..."You Go, Girl, you CAN do this!" It only says...I'm hopeless, and will never beat this.

Intellectually, I know I can do this, but my heart isn't in it right now. I feel like I'm a hamster in one of those little round cages they run in. Just keep doing the same thing over and over, running in circles. It's hard to stop something that feels like it's running 100 miles an hour. I'll get there...just not today.

Thanks for checking in on me again. I hope to have a better update, or better attitude tomorrow.

Sealy
 
Hello and WELCOME Sealy,

Reading your post gave me chills! The reason is, is because I remeraber like yesterday when I found this board and found the courage to admitt on paper or whatever I was an addict.. I shook the whole time I typed. I don't know what I thought would happen but I was scared to death. It felt SOOO good to get it out though. SO good.

It sounRAB like the time has come since the pain in low to taper off the vics. I know, it's not easy! It plain ole sucks! I not only used my pills for pain relief but also for emotional pain. In looking back now, wow, that was the biggest mistake I could have ever made because it's just added to the emotional pain that was already there and I have a feeling you feel the same way!

You can do this. We will be there for you!

Blessings!
 
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