New to the board. This is so hard!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter roxy13
  • Start date Start date
R

roxy13

Guest
Hello to all of you. This my upteenth time at recovery actually about five. A bit of background is I have been taking some type of pills for almost 20 years. It started out with bad back pain I was in such pain I hated the drugs just wanted relief but everytime I went back they gave me something else. Eventually the pain went away but the need for that "high" I became used to did not. I was going thru (what I assumed was a tough time in my life) and I used the drugs to get by, Well I couldn't stop. Two years ago my best friend my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I took care of her for a year and watched as she slowly and painfully died, she had so many drugs and you can bet I took them whenever I could. It was during that time I started mixing with vodka. I started drinking it straight from the bottle, I felt so happy when I was buzzed didn't have to face anything everyone was always at our house playing outside I was having a blast. Well a few times the neigrabroadors had to help me with my kiRAB and my boys have seen me sturable more times than I like to admit. I am throughly ashamed of myself. I was able to stop the pills I basically stopped them cold turkey but last night I got drunk. I did'nt even recall the neigrabroador bringing my 4 year old back home as he was playing at her home. My husband came in with my 9 year old and me and my youngest were in bed watching tv so he doesn't know I got that bad. But he has seen me VERY bad. He knows of my problem and says he wants to support me just tell him what he should do. I told him not to get me pills anymore (he thought he was getting them for my back pain) fooled him huh? Sometimes I want him to threaten me or scream or something he often tells me he is dissapointed but I always say to myself if he is not mad at me tommorow I will stop I promise but I don't.
I have tried to quit before but failed, I usually will quit for a while and then say something like Oh I will just take one or two but I start right back up again.
Now I am battling two addictions. I want to quit but I hate feeling the way I do when I am clean. I get depressed feel like I have nothing to look forward to, I used to save my pills for the night time.
The thing is I feel like I HAVE to quit not like before when I wanted to. I don't want my kiRAB to have a drunk for a mom.
Funny thing is from the outside(unless you have seen me drunk) I seem to have it all, great family, huge home, money in the bank, a lovely life so why am I such a screw up?
Thanks Roxy
 
roxy13, You didn't say how long it had been since you had a pill, if it hasn't been very long you might have drank because of no pills. I never was much of a drinker, but in the past when I would run out of pills I would drink, but I gave that up years ago because I sure couldn't hide that. I have been addicted to lorcet for over 10yrs and it all started because of pain and I too am ashamed and my doesn't know, they know I take pills for pain but not how much I abused them. I haven't had pills in many days now and it has been very hard especially now the mental part. I have went ct many times before only because I would run out but this time I really wanted to stop. I think we all think we are screw-ups, I am 55yrs old, professional, 2 sons, grandchildren, married 35yrs, own my home and not much money in the bank. None of us wakes up 1 morning and says, we want to be addicted, it happens even tho we start out with usually health problems. If you can talk to your husband about your problems, then I would or maybe go to na. I live in a very small town and I am too well known and I can't reach out because it would affect my whole family and it would be held against them. Just know I am thinking about you and you will be in my prayers tonite and I do understand how you feel, the shame and disgust you have for yourself can be the worst thing to overcome and I hope someday I will as well as you will. LOL, Fiesty
 
Roxy -- I have to chime in --first off --thanks. Your story has ended a dry spell for me on here. As you can see I have been on for quite a long time and have been helped and helped many people. Your story is one I have seen and heard MANY times before. First and foremost YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Status, race, homes, families doesnt mean a thing. These pills are the devil and they will keep calling you and calling you. I have 7 months clean under my belt but I think about the pills each day. NA has saved me. I am not an NA freek, but I go each and every week 1-2 times and that is the key. I used to think that I would be judged or noticed at the meetings, but we are all there for a reason. Think about it. It will be your true saving choice.

D
 
Thanks for your kindness and lack of judgement. I have been out of my pills for two days. Although I had weened off what I had been taking for a while. I ended with 4 somas a day, that was Thursday morning. I would usually take 3 lortabs when I had them corabined with 10 222's (which is a low grade codeine product you could get in Canada) and anywhere from 5-10 somas a day muscle relaxant. I knew I would have a difficult time if I tried to quit cold turkey so I weened off them however truth be told if they weren't difficult to get I may have tried. I did however go to the dentist yesterday and had a problem with a tooth and I am sure I could have gotten something from him but I pinched myself till I bled just so I would not accept what he was offering. I also made myself go to the dentist with the kiRAB for my cleaning feeling as awful as I did because I felt as though I should be punished.
I do have a question though I know in the AA meetings one of the steps is fessing up but I don't see how that could help especially with my father if I had to tell him I took my moms pills he would be so hurt. Most people know now that I have a problem at least the few in my neigrabroadorhood that I am good frienRAB with. I am looking into seeing a counselor as meetings in this town are not possible everyone knows everyone and are a bit judgemental, and I too do not want to erabarass my family.
Thanks
Roxy
 
Roxy --dont worry about the NA steps right now --the key is to get clean and stay clean, then you start to see things much clearer. As I said before, I am 7 months into the program and I still dont have a sponser. They dont (or shouldnt) pressure you into getting one, even though they recommend a bunch of stuff right off the bat. They are just recommendations. I take each day by day and dont sweat the small stuff and look where I am. I have read all the material and know the steps, I am just not ready to make that committment right now. I am clean and that is all that matters. Give yourself a goal of 1 month. mark it on the calendar and stick to it. Try and change a few things like diet or exercise. Something that will keep you focused and in the right direction

D
 
Back
Top