W
Wild Irish Rose
Guest
Hi, I've already made a few posts, but I'm really a baby here. My addiction history, as brief as I can make it 
:
Had a failed cervical fusion in 2001, but had been taking painkillers for about 1 yr previously for neck pain/headaches. Post-op I was given more painkillers, which I really took just for pain as the fusion was unsuccessful.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about a year and a half after the surgery. I found a good rheumatologist who was prescribing Norco and Tramadol, but the problem was, by this time I'd developed a pretty good tolerance, and - the most important part - I was taking the Norco/Tram for the "warm fuzzies" in addition to the pain.
The thing about my addiction was that I'd get my scripts for the month, and take them until they were gone, and then have to wait maybe a week or a week and a half to get the next prescription. I never had any W/RAB (I assume because of the "off" time between scripts), although i'm not kidding myself - I am addicted to opiates.
After several years of this, as I took more and more, and my doc raised the strength to get around my tolerance, my behavior at home became horrible. I'd be stoned half the time, and isolated the rest of the time. My husband/sons had to take me to the ER 3 times for ORAB.
Finally, after my family threatened to leave me, I realized what I was doing. I couldn't lose them, and I realize I'd almost totally lost myself, so I went into treatment, came clean with my rheumy (well, all of them, my PCP, dentist, my psychiatrist - I'm bipolar/anxiety/major depression/OCD - my therapist, everyone I had a medical relationship with, whether they were MRAB or not).
I was a week into a 27 day treatment when my counselor told me I should be on suboxone. He was a wonderful counselor (well, everyone at rehab was wonderful), and I trusted him, and as he explained it, I thought suboxone would help me stay away from the opiates, in a time-limited treatment. What my counsellor, or the addiction specialist never told me, was that sub is addictive. I was stupid and trusted that they'd told me everything I needed to know to make a decision about this treatment, so I never did any research until I read somewhere that sub had to be tapered off, and about the W/RAB and PAWS. By the time I knew it was addictive, I was already addicted.
I'm not really knocking sub treatment, it has helped with any cravings I might have had, helped me feel better, etc. What "frosts my cake" is that I wasn't physically addicted to the opiates (I know I was very psychologically addicted, though), and I never had any W/RAB at any time during my use, or in the first week of rehab before I was put on sub.
Now, I've got to W/D from sub. I've been on it almost 1 year, and the addictions specialist is talking about tapering 1 mg/month til I get to about 2 mg, then slowing down even more. He's vague about how to manage W/RAB, said he'd make sure I had "some medicines" to help me if I needed it. I can ask him a question very bluntly, and he answers very vaguely. I can't really change docs because he's about the only one in my area.
I'm terrified of PAWS. Since coming off opiates, my psychiatrist has finally gotten my bipolar/anxiety/depression fairly stable, and I'm afraid of a long, drawn out W/D or PAWS that might screw up my whole psychiatric treatment again. I can't risk that, as my depression gets severe, as does the hypomania and anxiety.
I really don't know if I'm asking any questons, and I'm sorry for the "novel", but I just really feel like I need some extra support at this point. My husband's not a "talker", doesn't like to talk about this (I can understand that, though), and I don't want to keep putting adult sons "back" in the place they had to be when I was using (none of my family goes to any support groups).
There seem to be some very compassionate and understanding people here with quite a bit of knowledge, so I guess I'm just looking for someone to understand me, and who I know I won't (directly) hurt by talking about my past and present behavior, my fears, my mooRAB, etc.
I appreciate the attention of anyone who's gotten this far...thanks for reading. I look forward to "meeting" you all.
rose
:Had a failed cervical fusion in 2001, but had been taking painkillers for about 1 yr previously for neck pain/headaches. Post-op I was given more painkillers, which I really took just for pain as the fusion was unsuccessful.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about a year and a half after the surgery. I found a good rheumatologist who was prescribing Norco and Tramadol, but the problem was, by this time I'd developed a pretty good tolerance, and - the most important part - I was taking the Norco/Tram for the "warm fuzzies" in addition to the pain.
The thing about my addiction was that I'd get my scripts for the month, and take them until they were gone, and then have to wait maybe a week or a week and a half to get the next prescription. I never had any W/RAB (I assume because of the "off" time between scripts), although i'm not kidding myself - I am addicted to opiates.
After several years of this, as I took more and more, and my doc raised the strength to get around my tolerance, my behavior at home became horrible. I'd be stoned half the time, and isolated the rest of the time. My husband/sons had to take me to the ER 3 times for ORAB.
Finally, after my family threatened to leave me, I realized what I was doing. I couldn't lose them, and I realize I'd almost totally lost myself, so I went into treatment, came clean with my rheumy (well, all of them, my PCP, dentist, my psychiatrist - I'm bipolar/anxiety/major depression/OCD - my therapist, everyone I had a medical relationship with, whether they were MRAB or not).
I was a week into a 27 day treatment when my counselor told me I should be on suboxone. He was a wonderful counselor (well, everyone at rehab was wonderful), and I trusted him, and as he explained it, I thought suboxone would help me stay away from the opiates, in a time-limited treatment. What my counsellor, or the addiction specialist never told me, was that sub is addictive. I was stupid and trusted that they'd told me everything I needed to know to make a decision about this treatment, so I never did any research until I read somewhere that sub had to be tapered off, and about the W/RAB and PAWS. By the time I knew it was addictive, I was already addicted.
I'm not really knocking sub treatment, it has helped with any cravings I might have had, helped me feel better, etc. What "frosts my cake" is that I wasn't physically addicted to the opiates (I know I was very psychologically addicted, though), and I never had any W/RAB at any time during my use, or in the first week of rehab before I was put on sub.
Now, I've got to W/D from sub. I've been on it almost 1 year, and the addictions specialist is talking about tapering 1 mg/month til I get to about 2 mg, then slowing down even more. He's vague about how to manage W/RAB, said he'd make sure I had "some medicines" to help me if I needed it. I can ask him a question very bluntly, and he answers very vaguely. I can't really change docs because he's about the only one in my area.
I'm terrified of PAWS. Since coming off opiates, my psychiatrist has finally gotten my bipolar/anxiety/depression fairly stable, and I'm afraid of a long, drawn out W/D or PAWS that might screw up my whole psychiatric treatment again. I can't risk that, as my depression gets severe, as does the hypomania and anxiety.
I really don't know if I'm asking any questons, and I'm sorry for the "novel", but I just really feel like I need some extra support at this point. My husband's not a "talker", doesn't like to talk about this (I can understand that, though), and I don't want to keep putting adult sons "back" in the place they had to be when I was using (none of my family goes to any support groups).
There seem to be some very compassionate and understanding people here with quite a bit of knowledge, so I guess I'm just looking for someone to understand me, and who I know I won't (directly) hurt by talking about my past and present behavior, my fears, my mooRAB, etc.
I appreciate the attention of anyone who's gotten this far...thanks for reading. I look forward to "meeting" you all.
rose