Neff's Is Dead And Done

[dougness86]

Deadbeat crusty mother****ers,
Squatting the abandoned church
How dare they profane the house of Christ
With their Pabst Blue Ribbon?
They leave their rusted ice skates,
and Flyers memorabilia upon the altar.
They replace the Bible with Alcoholics Anonymous,
An ironic ode of Jaundiced proportions
To a forgotten author.
and the Saviors' lifeblood with Vladmir?
What do they achieve?
Their Wal-Mart-spray-paint-haphazard
"I can do it too, how grand," attempt at art,
Atop a mural by a man of faith who spent hours and days?
What manner of modern savagery,
And uncaring, irreverence is this?

 

[Ms. Sutton]

i was wondering who you were but after reading this i knew

 

[hello..xxxxx]

this has your usual tone, which though appreciating, i don't particularly care for. i dont really have any idea what you're describing through most of it. some of your word choice is catching, some of it is a little grating - 'an ironic ode of jaundiced proportions'? does that mean something? well it probably does to you but it's hard to really get anything from it other than perhaps appreciating its expression.

 

[Mikara]

Well basically, some crust punks mad desecrated an abandoned church and spray painted shitty "art" over some beautiful murals recently, and idk, I'm not even religious anymore, but it's really upsetting how much they ruined such a beautiful building.

The part about Alcoholics Anonymous, is that it's an anonymously written book by an alcoholic, and they burned a copy of the bible and put that book in its place, I guess it was supposed to be some sort of ironic symbolism or something, but it's about as trite as Jaundice's constant references to being ironic, so there you go. This piece is extremely literal actually.

 

[gear_head26]

with the context i like the poem a lot more

one thing i'll suggest, maybe you can take it on or something, but put some rhythm or flow to your writing. doesn't have to necessarily rhyme, but what i've noticed is that a lot of the time when i read yours aloud it feels awkward, either due to the worRAB or just the length of the sentences you use. some of them, for example this one, lack a certain oomph which i think can be remedied with a distinct flow. maybe give it a shot, i dunno.

 

[iDrinkemAlDai]

I know what you're saying, but I write so sporatically and in the moment that I never really pay attention to structure. I mean I really should, but idk.

Drew Speziale ruined me, I was just like, oh sick I don't need to structure things, and went from caring too much about structure to not caring enough. :lol:

 

[pink88]

well you still dont need to have structure, i dont bother with structure much anymore either, but at least have a sense of flow going, where you don't have so many syllables cluttering your style

 

[Dr. Celtic™]

Well the whole syllabic clutter thing comes from how I scream things I guess. IDK I've just developed this thing where I like to say as much as I can as incoherently as possible over blastbeats, and it's leaked into stuff I don't even intend to scream.

I really should fix it though, hrm.

 

[<morgiexXxbear>]

oh yeah that's true, i forgot that most of your stuff is actually lyrics from songs. i guess in that case it's different, but maybe try writing something that isn't meant to be a song, i think it could be very good

 

[Kazu]

Thanks bbgrl.