Need Support Again Please, withdrawal :(

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GREAT JOB!!!!

That is awesome. I am so proud of you! Keep it up. I agree with Denon. Speak to your dr. about all the options and make the best choice you can for yourself.

You keep doing what you are doing honey! We are all here cheering you on!
XOXOXO
 
happy sunday denon,
well i slepted last night pretty good. i went down one more half on the mussel relaxer so i'm half way done with that one, maybe i will reward myself with a cookie or something :).

as usual i woke up in fear and panic, negative hopless thoughts running all over my head. i kept thinking why the hell am i even trying to get off the benzos when i know that as soon as get almost off the ultram the worst of the withdrawals will happen, crawling legs, restlessness, no sleep at all, and then im just going to have to take the benzos for 5 days to get over the ultram! derlinda your so stupid!!! then i thought, well i dont have to worry about the final days of the ultra for a while so i will worry about reusing the benzos when the time comes. do only drug addicts have to do this much drug math in there head or do normal people freak out like this also?

i think coming off the mussel relaxer is not hard, i might try to come off one more half tomorrow.
 
when i was little i reached for food when i was anxious, when i was older i reached for alcohol and pills. now i just need to reach with in me​

Derlinda

I think these are some of the most profound worRAB I have ever read on this board! Wowsers. A great evaluation and worRAB I am going to seal in my head. They sure fit me to a tee.

Many thanks
reach
 
FYI_ my spelling and grammer is really bad because i write this from my tiny blackberry!!! so sorry its hard to read at times :) i write like a 3rd greader
 
Hey Honey,

I am glad you are getting this stuff off your chest because if you keep it all in it will just eat you alive. That is what we are here for!

You know that you can stay strong but we both know how easy it is to buckle!!!!!! We have been on both sides of that and we know when we stay strong.... we always feel a lot better about ourselves. I have faith in you.

Just keep writing and writing and we will be here for you.

Hang in there honey. I know how hard it is to stay strong... I know... I wish I could make it better for you!

Blessings to you!
 
read,
thank yu so much for your worRAB, you lifted me up!
today was ok. i stayed busy. i had to take a 10mg valium today when my neck gammed up and shot pain up into my ears. i feel ok about that. i have a moring AA meeting so that will be a good way to keep mind off what i dont think i have and back on to looking at all the things i Do have.
lets have a good weekend. thanks for listening. i really need you guys (i say that alot, but i really do)
 
Good for you. You are doing great! Just keep going toward your goal and one day you'll look back and say, "I'm glad to get that over with." Before i re-injured my neck, I took Advil every morning and evening and it really helped with the "everyday" pain that I have. As soon as I feel more than normal pain starting, I start taking the Lyrica, which I see is mostly advertised for fibromyalgia these days from their commercials. I guess nerve pain is nerve pain no matter where it originates. All of the posts seem to blend together after a while, but I believe you were starting Cyrabolta. I know it takes a while for it to kick in, but that should help your depression. Staying busy so your mind cannot dwell on things help kill the depression too. I know sometimes its hard to force yourself to get out and do something, but in the end it is worth it and it seemed to help me when I got those feelings.

Sort of funny how I look back at the different stages I went through and now I realize that it was the drug that caused all of them. I think that is why I'm so careful now on what I take, how much i take and for how long.

I hope that today is a good day for you and that you stay strong. Good Luck!!
 
Hey derlinda... Haven't heard from you in a while. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident and having to take the pain meRAB again.

Actually, it appears you have a doctor that knows something about the drugs and withdrawal process. So many are in the dark about what to do. He's right to slowly taper off of each drug, maybe not on a daily basis, but a little each week. Cutting down by 10-20% seems to work well with most people. Even then, some people still get the withdrawal symptoms. I was one of them. I had withdrawals the entire time I was tapering. You just have to keep going forward and work your way through it. I wish we had a magic button to press to make the withdrawals go away, but unfortunately there just isn't one.

We're here to help you along and going to your 12-step meetings will help also. Wishing the best for you. Good Luck!
 
Hello my dear friend,

I have missed you so much. Sorry I have not been around the last couple days much. We were wrapping up the end of the month goals and work and it had me slammed.:dizzy:
I just caught up reading about your week and I have a lot of feelings to share with you. First and foremost, I am proud of your honesty. That is one thing addicts have a hard time with sometimes but you have been so honest with yourself and us that it is so inspirational. Congrats on getting thru that time with your family without abusing your meRAB. I am so proud of you. I am sure it was really difficult. It did sound like you had some nice times there though as stressful as I am sure it was for you.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with pain and anxiety. It's just so unfair. I am sorry to hear you are lonely and at times think you are a loser because you don't have a partner. Let me tell you this though, you are not. You are a beautiful person and I hope you are able to start seeing that more and more. You have a lot to offer when the "right" one comes along. That I promise you.
I am also proud of you for filling your time.. That is so important for us addicts. Idle hanRAB are never an addicts friend. Your commitment to your meetings is great and I am so glad that they make you feel so good. Looking around that room and realizing you are not alone is so wonderful.
Well, I will be around here all weekend as I am visiting my Mom for the weekend so I will check in with you lots. I am here for you honey.. That is a promise I will make and keep.
Sending you a warm healing hug all the way from Minnesota!
XOXOXOX
 
hi denon and secrets!!!
bad bad reaction to the cyrablata. i guess i was hoping for a miracle, im one of the few people who have a manic reaction to anti depressants. last night i started to feel agitated all over my body, i could not concentrate on what my friend was saying and i felt so "off", its different then the skin crawling of withdrawals. i have only taken it for a few days so i'm sure (well i hope) that i will be back to normal by tomorrow. i really want to take something to calm down, but i'm not going to. will try to stay busy and keep myself away from my home where i get most tempted. i going down another quarter off the ultram tomorrow, i feel pretty ok about that. i have been up since 3 so i can expect a pretty big energy crash by noon, so i want to prepare myself so i dont feel tempted to pop a little something to feel up again. boy i'm sick of sounding like a drug addict. i went on a blind date yesterday, he was really hyper and talked super fast and his eyes kept darting around. i thought to myself, is he high? is he on uppers? then i remerabered that just because i'm a pill popper i should not assume everyone else is also! he was just probably nerves like me to be on a date. maybe dating while tapering off drugs is not very smart? at least it gives me something to-do and gets my mind off of my favorite obsession--- me!
i want to thank you again for responing to my posts, its the first thing i do when i wake up and it changes my mood in a huge way, thank you for the help....

i really wanted the cyrabalta to work. maybe i can try again later in conjunction with mood stabilizer, i'm open to that.
 
thank you for your experance with that drug. im very nerves to try it because i have had a hard time with antidepressants, but i'm going to take the 30mg capsule and try just half for a week. if i get manic (only happens on anti depressants) then i will stop.

i did not take extra valume yesterday. my was pain was very tolerable yesterday so they temptation was minimal. on a day when i'm not all balled up from pain it feels like i'm high. i laugh allot, i just have a positive atatude and i get so much done! i'm trying really hard to get the positive and happy in pain or not, not easy but i believe i can get close if i work really hard at it.

i do have a very stressful trip coming up on the 25th (family get together....) and my little addict in my brain said ("hey der don't toss out all that valum before you go to see your family, the pill could make all the difference on weather you have a good time or not!". as long as i let my non-addict friend hold my pills i wont have a chance to mess around.

i am like many of us, my creativity and my work is much more impressive when i'm on medication. that a hard bit of reality to deal with. i get stuck in the cycle that i need money, i take pills, i get work done, i make more money. i had one person tell me to try for disability, it would be better then taking a pill. i really am not open to that right now. i know i need to stay open.

my plan is to stay on taper today!!!!!!! denon i cant think of a fun reward for myself if i make it to my next tapper, any suggestions?

have a great thursday!
 
its sunday and i dont want to tapper anymore!!!!!!!!!! but i will :)

i wanted to drink last night. after i dropped off my friend from the movies, i thought how nice it would be to drive by the liquor store and go home and make myself a few margaritas. and then promptly pass out.

but i played it out in my head. i would have to hide in my room from my roommate, i would wake up in the middle of the night and not fall back asleep, i would have anxiety and depression and a huge waves of shame, i would not be able to go to my morning meeting because everyone would smell the booze on me, the whole day would be lost. so i made it home and went to bed without a drink or a drug. feels good to make it one more day. you guys are the only who know about my inner struggles, i let some people know about the surface struggles but not the hell i battle at times. i don't think i would be clean today if not for the ability to check in with you all. i have a big workday today, and i will not bring any extra pills with me. just a big green salad and some water (and maybe some chocolate)

thanks for listening.......or reading, witch ever....
 
went down in the ultram and slept fine. the weather change here has been huge so my joint and mussel pain is so strong that its making me feel nauseous. im going to talk to my doctor about what we can do. i feel pulled in both directions, get off the ultram and be drug free, or stay on ultram and keep function. i need to just gather information and really search my heart.
the physical therapy should make a difference.
other then that i feel sooooo good about not being benzos!!!
 
I am a proponet of mental health. Our minRAB make deals with ourselves for reasons of self preservation. Cyrabalta takes a few weeks to kick in, but it is different in each case. I read your posts and my heart hurts for you. I feel your pain as I went through a very similiar situation. It was the "creepy leg thing" that got me. I would be in a full body sweat fetal position grabbing my legs, tying ace bandeges around them to cut off circulation (not recommended) while trying to keep my stomach and bowels inside my body (night, after night, after night). The only thing that got me through it were posts like these, and knowing I wasn't alone. You have received all excellant posts. My custom booked trip to Hell is much like many others and yours. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, know you are not alone. I have emailed some of my frienRAB with your story so know that people half-way around the world are with you. Drawing and meditation were my stress managers. We have each other, and that is huge. Hope never got out of the box, watch the snow fall, enjoy the Holidays and give your dog a hug for us. May all the GoRAB bless you. Have faith and know life is good.
 
:pok just got back from seeing my shrink and he knocked me around a bit... he pointed out that i have come very far, and just because i was disabled yesterday and took the prescribed amount does not mean a slip. it means self care. he did point out that i should have not gone to the doctor by myself because that's a slippery place for me but that i did do the right things. i pulled 2 days worth of the Valium for tonight pain and if i need it tomorrow and gave the rest to a trusted friend. when i start beating myself up i need help getting back into realty. thanks for being here you guys. i feel calmer, i have no range of motion in my neck but my anxiety is better.
happy Wednesday to all my favorite addicts!
 
thank you and please know that i am very familiar with what you are talking about, the fear of what might happen and the fear of what is happening. the good news is that we know for a fact we can make it through, we have done it before and we will do it again. i got busy today so i really felt better then yesterday. but now i am watching the clock and obsessing on when i get to take my meRAB at 8 pm. i just want to sleep this all away. i thought about a drink tonight, but i know every-time i do that i sleep even less and i wake up in a depression much worse then anything i would have had to go through without the booze. just need to tell on my thoughts.
i will not tapper more tonight, i will do the same as last night and hopefully i will be able to cut back a tiny bit more on friday night.
thanks!
 
The good thing about my injury and being on the oxy for so long is I gave up drinking. I still have an occasional drink with frienRAB, but for the most part I just don't drink anymore. Tell you the truth... I don't miss it either.

I'm hurting pretty bad tonight and I did have to take a pill earlier that I thought I would because we were going out to meet frienRAB. I know that my Pain Doc is going to read me the riot act next week when I see him, but I'm not the type of person to sit around an let life go by me. I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.

Derlinda, you should set up a schedule of tapering about 10-20% a week and allow time for your body to adjust to each lower dose. I used a calendar to mark the days I would drop my dose down, as a visual goal. You need to set goals during your tapering so you have something to strive towarRAB. Also, remeraber to reward yourself when you reach goals to make them fun.

Depression is terrible. Have you talked to your doctor about it and see if they have something to help you? I was on Cyrabolta during my recovery and withdrawals and it seemed to help. There are other depression drugs that they may suggest as well. Just keep heading toward your goal! Good Luck!!
 
good luck with the pain doc and i hope you are as comfortable as possible until you get him. i also think that benzos were harder for me to get off of then opiates. the pain doc in my town was the one who got me on so many different drugs with-in 2 months that i ended up in a detox program. after to to the local pharmacist he said that this doctors over prescribes all the time and he has seen many people loss everything when they start to work with him. i will be going to a new pain specialist soon so i hope to get some new ideas. hope your feeling a bit better today!
 
hi secrets and denon,
its actual snowing here in boulder colorado today, tiny flakes, just enough to make my bones hurt. ok, off the pity pot.
good talk with the doc today, he was happy to hear the detail of my taper with the benzos. he said pain management is a personal thing and you have to be honest and loving with yourself on what you can and cant handle. he said if im trying to be "super derlinda never takes drugs for pain" then im just going to set myself up for increased pain and resenting the heck out of everyone in my life that im trying to impress. talked to my sponcer about it and i'm going to stay on my ultram dose until the end of october. i will have had 10 PT sessions by then and willl have done my amenRAB with my famlie. i might find that by then the pain has lessed and i can go down on the ultram. my fatiuge and depression is alot better, so i dont think the dose of ultram im on is making that worse right now. i do think i might have to be open to moving to a warmer climent next year, this mountain living is not very fibro friendly. i think i would feel alot better in a desert. i do know that if i were to make hue changes right now i would relapse, im not handling stress very well when i'm in pain.
so im not sure but i guess i should start posting on the pain management board?
everyone here has been so helpful, the power and joy and being honest about slips, relapse, and crazy thoughts has helped me take action in getting better.
der
 
wow i got 4 hours of sleep last night!!!! im not being sarcastic, i really do feel grateful that i got some sleep. i was walking around most of yesterday like a stoned out zorabie. i tried to carry on some conversations with a few clients but in all honesty i have no recall of what they were saying, pure exhaustion.

i went down 25mg of the ultram last night, my legs had the creepy crawlies but i took melatonin and benadril so i got through it. i would rather have a

headache then RLS. next thursday i will go 25 more mgs of the ultram witch will put me at 125mgs, my goal is to get to 100mg and stay at that for a month or so. i have about 30mg of the valium on hand if my neck freaks out on me, i handed the rest of the pills over to a friend, i have no way to get to them. im also taking the Anabuse lately because i want to take the drinking temptation off the table. i still feel weak for taking anabuse but you know what- its part of how i stay sober right now, its good self care and its a h*ll of a lot better then being drunk and curled up in a ball on my bathroom flore. I was looking around my NA meeting and had a huge wave of "im not alone" it was very setteling anf helpful.

have a great day
 
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