Need Support Again Please, withdrawal :(

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mindy1974

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d, i hope your feeling better this morning, i will check your other post to see if you started the new med.

im pretty close to being off all the meRAB. i feel good about that and i am going to get off all of them and stay off then reassess the pain and decide what neeRAB to be done. im hoping for a magical, or aleast a pleasant surprise. the winter is extremly painful for me when i have a fibro flare, its the hardest time to stay off drugs. i can live with pain but i cant live without work so i have to do everything i can to make sure i can continue to work. my dog is talking to me again so i must be doing something right.

the facial twitches have stopped!! that really must have been from the valium withdrawal. that sucked big time.



thanks
 
Der, sorry you're in pain but you did give me a chuckle (feeling like you ran 4729 miles). Why oh why do these darn pills (or lack thereof) have so much effect on our legs? It's really weird. The only consolation is that we know it's a "normal" part of WD, since we all seem to have it! And guess what -- my leg pain (the muscle pain anyway) is starting to go away! But I don't want to jinx it....so I'll wait til later this week (the 8-week milestone) to update my post. But there IS light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there and enjoy your family time, and CA!
 
Hey You!

I am glad you are hanging in there. I too agree that if a person sincerely neeRAB to take something for a medical condition that they should take it. Just because we are addicts does not mean we have to suffer for the rest of our lives like we are being punished or something. However, since we are addicts we have to be EXTREMELY careful that we are taking the medications for a just reason and we more than likely like the people at NA said need help from someone to control the pills. It's all about protecting ourselves.

This is one of my biggest fears, having some medical condition, injury that I will have to be put on meRAB again. I know the addict part of my brain is waiting and lurking and it scares the heck out of me. I injured my back, am taking nothing for it besides IB Profen and I don't know how long that can last.... My knee just started in the last few weeks giving me major trouble! Sometimes it hurts so bad that it brings tears to my eyes and actually feels at times it may hyperextend itself. I don't know what to do about that. I know it should probably be checked out but I am afraid to go in and tell them how bad it hurts... They will want to MRI it, and give me something for the pain and right now mentally with everything going on in my life I don't know if I am strong enough to say NO. So, I personally feel you are doing a good job! Keep taking your meRAB when you need them. Try your hardest to take when you don't. You have a lot more strength than you know. I remeraber months ago, you were in a much worse condition with the meRAB than you are now so I comend you for that my dear friend.

You just keep on keeping on. I miss our old friend who used to always say that! I am thinking about your friend!
XOXOXOXO
 
I think you need to sit down and re-evaluate your goals and your plan on getting to where you want to be. I think you need to sit down and even write out your goals, use a calendar that is always visible and know when you are going to do what and mark it down. Most people don't have the will power to NOT take a pill if it is readily available. Mark it on a calendar when you will drop a dose, when you took a dose, everything.

I use a calendar to mark my pain and if I took something for it and how much. In fact, there is a sponsor on this site that has all sorts of tracking pages that I use also. (I hope mon-anon will allow that sponsor reference, since it is a sponsor). It charts out a great progress reports as well to let you know how well or bad you are doing. Yesterday, for you, would have been marked a very bad day!

I hope that you can re-evaluate what you plan is and come up with a working solution. This may have been the one incident that will get you on track so that your dog will like you again.
 
scared and confused tonight. i have drugs again, lots of them, i cant sleep and my anxiety is through the roof. i ended up in the urgent care today because i could not move my neck from spasms and then pain was causing me to shake with horrible nausea. i was alone, scared and so confused. i tried breathing exercise, stretching, and a hot pack, mussel relaxers did not touch it.
i knew what would work and i was unable to stop myself. the clinic gave me 20 10mg of valium. i took 2 and sat in the hot shower for about a half hour. i cant sleep from the pain but i can move my head and i was able to keep my food down. im so sorry you guys, i really want to be a success story but living like this alone just kicks my ass some days! maybe if i had a partner or a friend who was with me that i could be honest with i might have been able to just take one pill and spend time with a friend. instead i got the pills ate them down and started mentally beating the hell out of myself. im not going to take more tonight, if i don't sleep then iw il just have to deal with that. what my plan? a meeting tomorrow, tell my therapist and get some work done. im so scared to go to a pain clinic, that's how i got hooked in the first place. i guess i need to keep believing and hoping more options will come. sorry guys, and thanks for letting me tell the truth
 
hello Read and denon,
bad news:( i want to lie but if i cant be honest here then i'm really not going to be able to make it through this. i took extra valume last night.no extra ultram or mussel relaxer but the extra valume. i should have called someone in NA, but decided to try to be "strong" alone. i was in a pretty up and down mood swing most of the day and my energy was off. i got stuck in my head (not a good place to be when i feel pain and self pity). i know i can do this, i just need to get some extra support i have to find a buddy in na that i can call everyday. i reach for the pill that in the long run make my depression so much worse, its such self sabotage. when i'm not on this stuff my depression is very mild, this is a horable remonder of what i used to live with everyday. please don't stop helping me because i messed up, i will get this its just going to take a deeper committee and goals. and i really need you guys. i'm going to take my old dog for a swim and get to a early moring meeting, i will try to not be alone) so sorry for the bad report.
 
friday is usually a anxiety riden day for me. i start wander what am i going to do with my self all weekend, why am i still single, whats wrong with me, i'm a loser- you know all that great motivating self talk, that lead me to a drink or a pill because i cant shut my mind up. so i am going to try to fill up the weekend with frienRAB , meetings, and dog walks. i dont feel like using, and my pain was so much better yesterday. i slept last night also. yea!!! most of the alcoholics and addicts that i have met struggle with the same self defeating patterns that i do. why is that? its ridiculous! i have a doctors appointment today, i wont be asking for any drugs, just a check in. i will admit that i did have a few thoughts about getting him to give me AAD medications for a little lift, mind you i don't have frincken ADD! just need to tell on myself...
 
Well, as Secrets said, ...dreading having a medical condition where you have to take the meRAB again. I'm there now and I'm taking the meRAB. Not that I want to, but because I have to. But, I'm still taking them responsibly and only when I need them. I learned that from my first naive episode on the drugs. If you REALLY need them and not just want them, there is a difference, then it is alright to take them. If you feel that you cannot control their use - talk to your doctor about it and see if there is something different you can do. That was my discussion with the doctor today - what are my alternatives? Right now, meRAB are the only thing for my injury. I'll take them until the pain goes away then I'll stop and wait and someday the pain will start again and I'll start all over again. I am in control and I'll stay that way. That's the only way to fight this is to be in control.
 
old drug addicted behavior seems to be alive and well in me. i still chew my pillS. when i was really caught up in my addiction i would chew up my pills in hope that they would hit me faster. it taste so gross and its ridiculous because i have never felt it hit me faster because of the chewing. i have been doing that with my morning ultram and my tiny bit of valume. i have been trying to really be aware of my thinking process as i continue to tapper and i hear the resistance to getting off the pills. what i feel the most is that i love taking a pill when i get up and i love taking one before bed. it relaxes me. crap i wish i could put it into worRAB, im not very articulate. it makes me feel safe, and i feel reassured that things will be ok, it gives me a sense of some control over my pain and my life. can anyone relate to that? tonight should be my last night on the valume, i dont feel capable of stoping but i will pray and trust today that i can stick to my goal. i have bottle of pills waiting for me at the pharmacy. my goal is to pick them up and take them straight to my friend for her to hold (she is the drug hater who is more then happy to make sure i don't have access to drugs unless its completey necessary). i want to be honest with you guys, i don't know if i can do it. i will let you know.

thank you,

derlinda
 
Hey you!

I am proud of you!!! I hope you are still doing okay! The mooRAB swings that come along with tapering or weaning down are horrible! I have been there before big time.

It will get better though honey! I promise. Hang in there and I will check in with you first thing on Monday my dear!

Take care!!!
XOXOX
 
Hello. Talked to Doc today and she wants me to start in tiny bit of cybalta. She said I could go on now even though I'm still tapering off ultram, but then how will I know what's withdrawal and what's cybalta? Hmmmmmm
 
Thanks D! Hope the AZ weather is not to hot for ya! Having a hard time getting myself to eat mostly from the depression . Maybe try soup. Night everyone
 
denon, perky,

thanks for checking in. denon did you ever have to use benzos? what was that tapper like for you? i also heaL SO MUCH FASTER WHEN I SIT IN THE SUN! but in my town in colorado even if you get caught in your own yard naked you go to jail... so i will have to stick to shorts and a tank!

i did get some sleep last night so that feels positive. i am going to try to let myself enjoy the fact that i came down 25mgs off the tramadol yesterday. tramdol (ultram) always works great for the first few weeks for me with pain but slowly if i stay on it loner then a few weeks i start to get lethargic and unmotivated. the pain stays under control but my thinking really goes down the tolit. so i look forward to being off it again. i do how ever like to know in a emergency i can use tramdol. i remeraber once i tried to take extra tramdol (i think i took a extra 200), and i ended up with a head ache and nausea that was over the moon! so i dont feel tempted to abuse the med, but its is hard to think of being off the med and feeling fibro pain again. i think i am in one of the spots that so many of us get in where we have to choose between being pain free and mentally in a dark cave or being in pain and feeling more like myself. right now i want to feel like myself again.

i though alot about the valium yesterday and i even stopped by friend house who had a LOAD of valume in her kitchen cabinet, but i was able to stick to my plan and stay on the tapper!!!!!!!! i really think i might have taken some of her pills if i did not have the support that you all gave me, i really feel like i have people rooting for me, and if i slip up im starting to feel like i could be honest and you wont punish me, shame me, and worst of all ignore me after i get honest.

no more tapper until next monday (except i will go down to the last half of the mussel relaxor tonight)

thanks so much! i wish we could all have a cup of coffee together and then start our day-- actually i guess i am having a cup of coffee with you all right now :)
 
Der, you've come *so* far on this torturous journey. You have much for which you can be proud.

It looks like you've "listened" to the suggestions from the vets here and put them to good use.

You may not know it, but you *are* becoming a role model. Your determination and fortitude are wonderful examples of triumph.
 
denon hope you had fun last night, i know that taking the sharp edge off the pain can make us able to be with the people we love and enjoy our life as we should.

thank you for telling me to make goals and to reward myself every time i reach one, that is a great idea. im so busy beating myself up for even going through this that i never thought of praising myself for doing it, thank you!

i have a bad response to antidepressants but i do have a old mood stabilizer that i can take if things get really bad, it does not work that well but sometimes it can help, i tried a tiny bit last night and it help me fall asleep ut it brings a bad brain fog with it so i try not to use it much. slept better last night. i am down to a quarter of the 10 ml pill of valium so about 2.5, but the pill cutter is not good so its not a perfect cut. woke up shaky, and my heart was racing but i do feel nauseous yet! yea! im going to try to spend alot of time with people this weekend. i know this sounRAB like self pity but i really wish i could spend face to face time with someone who i could tell about the withdrawal. meetings help but my closet friend don't know, it makes it feel like a dirty secret and i hate being dishonest but i know how scarred they would be if they knew i was taper of my old drugs of choice, and they would end it with me. so i wil keep taking with yu because i look forward to it right when i wake up. ok time to go scratch my old black labs belly and put on the cartons for him.

happy friday
 
Good for your friend to help you out and control your pills. Ultimately, you are the person in control of your actions and decide what you are going to take and how much. You should still be on a tapering plan with and end date goal somewhere down the line. Just keep moving forward. I think the Cyrabolta will help and I didn't notice it making me tired or drowse. I actually notice an increase amount of energy, which is why I tool it in the morning. You're doing great!! Keep heading towarRAB that goal.
 
That's all it takes is one day at a time. Get through today and set new goals when you wake up in the morning. If you start worrying about tomorrow too soon, it can overwhelm you and you can lose sight on what your goal is today.

I'm glad to hear that you talked yourself out of the drinks. That is a big step. Remeraber, as it sounRAB like you are doing, stay busy!
 
Derlinda, IMHO sometimes we just do what we have to do and if that means a "slip," then that's just plain OK. It doesn't have to mean that our previous victories were meaningless. They remain real progress. This is an uphill journey with many bumps along the way.

I doubt if a single soul here will condemn you. Every one of us has suffered through this tortuous experience.

Then there's that nightmare of depression, which not only locks us in its erabrace, but throws away the key as well. Although I didn't experience it during my detox period, I *have* been deeply depressed in the past and well understand those painful times when the feelings of worthlessness pervade every moment of the day.

You have soldiered on through the bad times so far and I trust you will continue to get up and pull on your boots even when they're hard to find.

I think you have a good idea in finding a special friend you can trust. Perhaps NA will be the place where you will meet someone who has walked miles in your shoes.

The idea of one day at a time was laughable to me. My battle centered on one minute at a time and it sounRAB like that's where you are finding yourself, too.

Keep coming back here and blessings on you for just plain trying to free yourself.
 
thanks read and denon,
end of the night and i had a good day, got allot of work done. talked with a few frienRAB and went on a nice cool walk around the town. back at home and all i can think about is getting high!!! when things are good i want to abuse, when things are bad i want to use. im really trying to accept this process.
oh boy, im sick of me!
xoxox
 
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