need opinions on a poem?

[damagedconcrete]

I just need some honest opinions on my newest poem ( yes- its set up like a song, i am debating turning it into one)
please let me know what you think.

-IN WONDERLAND-
I know you love to hurt me.
"It's how it's supposed to be".
Take my heart, pull it down.
Bury me beneath the ground.

Drowning in my souls cries,
Falling down- soul suicide.
Take that last breath.
(All i have left)
Take that last breath...
(But, leave me in my mind.)

Pass into your wonderland...
I scream. You take my hand,
"hush now, hush, my little one.
Come now, come, we'll have some fun".

Drowning in my souls cries,
Falling down- soul suicide.
Take that last breath.
(All i have left)
Take that last breath...
(But, leave me in my mind.)

Please God, please, let me die
bring me my soul suicide.
please...
don't leave me now.

No senses, in the now and gone.
You're still proud of what you've done.
No piercing through cimmerian.
Me and my world forever one

Drowning in my souls cries,
Falling down- soul suicide.
Take that last breath.
(All i have left)
Take that last breath...
(But, leave me in my mind.)

 

[J L]

is this about MJ raping kids? sounds like it...

 

[Awkward]

i reeeeeeeally enjoyed this esp Falling down - soul suicide - awesome man !

and i love the thought behind the song/poem - it something a person would want to hear whe they're not feelin very good...

one suggestion tho ...

maybe...

"But, leave me my head" - mayb? - jus a thought

otha than that

awesome write !

 

[Jennifer M]

wow that was some deep crap.. I liked it although im not usually one to like gloomy dark stuff good I think you should keep it a poem

 

[skool girl11]

really nice rhyming you got there a really cool talent i think the poem is absolutely WONDERful!!!