BambiiGirlHottie
New member
Heya guys!!
Ok, so in one of my previous question, I asked for help with showing not telling. Well, i was wondering how this sounds?
My character Ryan (she's a girl) is pushing herself to the absolute limit. She's a Hip Hop Dancer and she's recently got some bad news which has sent her emotional state (which was already pretty bad after her best friend was bashed to death a few months ago) into a complete low. I just want to know if this scene portrays how she's just let go and danced for hours on end with no break.
How does this sound to you?
If a set of words have brackets around them, it means she's thinking it. On Microsoft Word they're in italics though so yeah. yahoo answers don't do that.
It didn’t seem possible to push myself so hard for so long and not feel the effects. Everything seemed perfectly fine to me. My moves were dead on time every time with little effort, making the moves seem like they were attached and flowing together smoothly. My breathing, although slightly ragged, was still just as good as any other day when I was dancing. My head wasn’t light and my vision wasn’t blurry at all. I was unstoppable! As my left leg kicked out underneath me, I landed on my right before spinning to face the other way and jumped in the air. Nice! Right on time!
The same thoughts kept going through my mind like a bullet, ricocheting as if it were in room full of metal, clanging around and drumming words and emotions into me. (Mikey.)
I pushed on. A heavy bass line rumbled through my iPod speakers and I started to glide across the gravel. It crunched underneath my Nike Airs as I whipped my head left and raised my arms above my body, pulling them back into my chest and bringing my head down as well. I was in a trance and it was a strong one as well. The next half hour or so passed by so quickly that I couldn’t even remember any of the songs I had listened to, or when I did my handless cartwheel. (Moving to Tokyo.) Hm, guess I’ll have to do it again. As I prepared to kick my legs over my head, something strange happened. Suddenly, I crouched down as a horrific pain shot down the right side of my body, sending me into a hyperventilating mess. And that’s when I noticed. I wasn’t unstoppable and I hadn’t gotten off spot free. Not at all. (College.) My lungs were working overtime as I wheezed, trying to take in air. The clothes I was wearing were saturated in sweat and were sticky against my clammy skin, making it hard to move around freely. (Seeing Logan again.) The pain in my side intensified as I noticed the state the rest of my body was in.
My lips stung as I ran my tongue over them, trying to moisten them up again after so long without a drink. A clump of phlegm found its way up my sore throat and I spat it out onto the ground in front of me, coughing after I did so. (JC’s in debt.) My thoughts were starting to take hold of me, but the same name kept popping up more than others.
“M...Mikey...” I choked, running a hand through my damp hair and pushing it out of my face. A figure stood not far from me with a sad, broken smile. His dark brown eyes glazed over with a dreadful sadness watching me on the ground. I had to get to him. But...
My eyes were slowly starting to burn but as I squinted them shut, the skin on my sweaty forehead tightened and burnt harshly. The sun blared down on my broken body and I held back tears. On my hands on knees, I could only see the ground underneath me. It hurt too much to lift my head up. “Mikey...” Another coughing fit, another wad of phlegm. My muscles ached horribly when I tried to stand up, tightening slowly and ripping up calves. When I did manage to stand up, I swayed a few times before collapsing into a nearby rail. I held on tight, afraid to let go. My breathing was still heavy with exhaustion, but now also panic. I had pushed myself too far too soon. The rail was hot under my touch so I pulled away, wobbling on my throbbing feet. I took a step forward, towards Mikey, but that was the last straw. My legs gave in and my body slumped to the ground like lead, bashing my knees roughly against the gravel and scraping my skin away. (Mikey...don’t go!) My eyes now felt as if they were ablaze, stinging horribly and tearing up. (Please!)
“Ryan!” F*ck....darkness.
Sooo?? How did it sound? Was it telling and not showing??
Which bit was the best and which bit needs improving?
Please help me
CRITIQUE IS WELCOME!!!
Ok, so in one of my previous question, I asked for help with showing not telling. Well, i was wondering how this sounds?
My character Ryan (she's a girl) is pushing herself to the absolute limit. She's a Hip Hop Dancer and she's recently got some bad news which has sent her emotional state (which was already pretty bad after her best friend was bashed to death a few months ago) into a complete low. I just want to know if this scene portrays how she's just let go and danced for hours on end with no break.
How does this sound to you?
If a set of words have brackets around them, it means she's thinking it. On Microsoft Word they're in italics though so yeah. yahoo answers don't do that.
It didn’t seem possible to push myself so hard for so long and not feel the effects. Everything seemed perfectly fine to me. My moves were dead on time every time with little effort, making the moves seem like they were attached and flowing together smoothly. My breathing, although slightly ragged, was still just as good as any other day when I was dancing. My head wasn’t light and my vision wasn’t blurry at all. I was unstoppable! As my left leg kicked out underneath me, I landed on my right before spinning to face the other way and jumped in the air. Nice! Right on time!
The same thoughts kept going through my mind like a bullet, ricocheting as if it were in room full of metal, clanging around and drumming words and emotions into me. (Mikey.)
I pushed on. A heavy bass line rumbled through my iPod speakers and I started to glide across the gravel. It crunched underneath my Nike Airs as I whipped my head left and raised my arms above my body, pulling them back into my chest and bringing my head down as well. I was in a trance and it was a strong one as well. The next half hour or so passed by so quickly that I couldn’t even remember any of the songs I had listened to, or when I did my handless cartwheel. (Moving to Tokyo.) Hm, guess I’ll have to do it again. As I prepared to kick my legs over my head, something strange happened. Suddenly, I crouched down as a horrific pain shot down the right side of my body, sending me into a hyperventilating mess. And that’s when I noticed. I wasn’t unstoppable and I hadn’t gotten off spot free. Not at all. (College.) My lungs were working overtime as I wheezed, trying to take in air. The clothes I was wearing were saturated in sweat and were sticky against my clammy skin, making it hard to move around freely. (Seeing Logan again.) The pain in my side intensified as I noticed the state the rest of my body was in.
My lips stung as I ran my tongue over them, trying to moisten them up again after so long without a drink. A clump of phlegm found its way up my sore throat and I spat it out onto the ground in front of me, coughing after I did so. (JC’s in debt.) My thoughts were starting to take hold of me, but the same name kept popping up more than others.
“M...Mikey...” I choked, running a hand through my damp hair and pushing it out of my face. A figure stood not far from me with a sad, broken smile. His dark brown eyes glazed over with a dreadful sadness watching me on the ground. I had to get to him. But...
My eyes were slowly starting to burn but as I squinted them shut, the skin on my sweaty forehead tightened and burnt harshly. The sun blared down on my broken body and I held back tears. On my hands on knees, I could only see the ground underneath me. It hurt too much to lift my head up. “Mikey...” Another coughing fit, another wad of phlegm. My muscles ached horribly when I tried to stand up, tightening slowly and ripping up calves. When I did manage to stand up, I swayed a few times before collapsing into a nearby rail. I held on tight, afraid to let go. My breathing was still heavy with exhaustion, but now also panic. I had pushed myself too far too soon. The rail was hot under my touch so I pulled away, wobbling on my throbbing feet. I took a step forward, towards Mikey, but that was the last straw. My legs gave in and my body slumped to the ground like lead, bashing my knees roughly against the gravel and scraping my skin away. (Mikey...don’t go!) My eyes now felt as if they were ablaze, stinging horribly and tearing up. (Please!)
“Ryan!” F*ck....darkness.
Sooo?? How did it sound? Was it telling and not showing??
Which bit was the best and which bit needs improving?
Please help me
CRITIQUE IS WELCOME!!!