need advice!

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hurt36512

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I have recently discovered that my bf has been doing drugs. He won't admit this to me yet, but I know he is in trouble. I have always know of his history of pain pills, and did catch him up last year. This time he is very angry with me, will not give me a straight answer for any questions, and right now is barley speaking to me. I know that he is hiding something because he pays no bills at all, yet still never has any money, and I believe that he is pawning some stuff. I have always been able to see his mood swings, and sometimes its like I can smell the pills on him. I know that he has to be the one to ask for help, and I want him to get better more than anything, but it is so hard waiting. When he is not using we have a great relationship, respect each other, and very much enjoy spending time with each other, but not when he's using. He tells me that he has no doubt that we will make it thru this and end up together, but I do not have this same faith. I am angry at him for lying to me and hiding things from me, I am angry for finding out that he talks to this "dealers" more than me. I am trying not to show my anger, but more of telling him I pray that he will get better, but he has left me alone to deal with this and that hurts. I'm never sure of what his the best way to handle the situation. Please if anybody has any advice!
 
I am sorry to hear of your situation. It sounRAB like a tough one.

I am NO expert but I will tell you what I think you should do... I would tell him that he neeRAB to come completely clean with you on everything. Tell him how unhappy you are when he is using and that you are concerned for him. Be stern and let him know you are not willing to stand by and watch him kill himself or waste his life away using. Tell him you are in full support of helping with recover (if you are) but if he is not ready for that.... than you and he can't have a healthy relationship together the way things are going. It's not fair for you to suffer because of his addiction. Addicts can be master manipulators so remeraber that when dealing with him.

I hope something i said helps! Please kup!
Blessings!
 
Hello hurt,

I agree with Secrets. You need to tell him how you feel. Tell him it will be ok if he tells you the truth. The two of you can get through this together. The hardest thing for an addict to do is to be honest. Withdrawal scares us, more than a non-addict could ever know. It's easier to just take more pills, then to go through everything an addict must go through, in order to get clean.

You really can't let this go, otherwise it will tear you apart eventually.

"If nothing changes, nothing changes." Period.

Keep in touch, we'll all help you get through this.

Sincerely,
emsmom.
 
Hi again Hurt,

"When do I break the silence and say enough is enough?"

Now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Try not to think about it too much, cause you may get this picture in your head of how the conversation will go and it may be disappointing if things turn out differently. Try to be open minded. Your boyfriend may not want to open up to you, so you have to be patient and understanding.

One thing I'll share with you...

When I was abusing pain pills, I walked around with this nervous energy/anxiety, always afraid I was going to get caught. One time, my husband confronted me cause I took his debit card and withdrew cash - well, naturally, he was upset. I immediately got defensive and refused to talk to him cause I felt like I was backed into a corner. I was pissed off that I'd gotten caught but didn't care about the consequences.

So, be careful how you "word" things. We (addicts) don't use drugs cause we "want" to, it's cause we have to. Somewhere, up in our brains, we believe that what we're doing really isn't all that bad. That's the addict talking back to us. So, if you get upset, yell/scream, point blame etc., it may make him not want to open up to you.

Wishing you all the best,
emsmom
 
Thanks you both so much for your help. I feel like I am dealing with this all alone and it helps so much to know that people who don't even know me, are trying to help. I have explained to him that I have to have answers to all the questions, and that I would be willing to help him recover, but that he has to be the one who wants it. I have a degree in Psychology with experience in the mental health/substance abuse world, but this is so much harder when it is someone you love. We are basically not speaking right now, I am trying to give him time that he has asked for to deal with things, but I don't know how long I can continue this path though? There comes a point that I have to put myself first. I feel very abandoned right now, and for what? I am feeling so many different emotions but mostly anger and hurt. I never know day to day what is happening. This is someone who I was ready to spend the rest of my life with, and now he has completely shut me out. He tells me that he has faith that we will get through this, but I do not have this same faith that he does. When do I break the silence and say enough is enough?
 
Well since last week he finally came clean with everything and has asked for help. It was such a relief to both us. He has already made steps to get treatment. We both know that it is going to be a long hard road, but we are taking it one day at a time. I told him as long as he is honest I will be there to help him.
 
Well I thought you had already done some talking to him.. it is hard being with someone who uses.. also tho it is hard to be the user as well.. compasion is the key at least if you can have it. sometimes it is best to use tough love with some ppl. so just try and be prepared for whatever comes.. wish you the best..
 
Hi hurt,

I am so happy to read that everything is working out. Please know (and always remind yourself) that it is very hard for an addict to come clean with the people in his/her life regarding their addiction. It is equally as hard to ask for help. So, don't be surprised if he backs down a little. This is a scary time for him, whether he admits it or not. The fear of withdrawal can be so consuming, and that reason alone, is why most addicts continue to use. Withdrawal is, by far, the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I've had kidney stones and natural labour without pain meRAB and I'd rather be in labour WITH kidney stones, then go through even one more hour of withdrawal.

So, you can be the voice of reason, and you can (and should) give him a little nudge every now and then (if you find he is taking a step backwarRAB) but tread lightly and give him a little space. The best thing you can do right now is educate yourself as much as you can. Do some research on addiction - what to expect from him physically/emotionally/mentally as the next few weeks are going to be tough on both of you (assuming he is going to stop taking the pain pills).

Always keep in mind that withdrawal is very tough to deal with but sometimes it's just as tough for the spouse of the addict. My husband told me he felt terrible when I detoxed off OxyContin. He watched me go through everything - sweating, chills, diarrhea, nausea/vomiting, shakes, restless legs etc. and he felt completely helpless. I was a moody woman, let me tell you. Anything and everything upset me. My mother-in-law flew to Toronto when I detoxed and took my daughters to Great Wolf Lodge for a week. I am so glad they weren't here, cause I can't imagine if I had to deal with them on top of it. I still feel terrible for doing what I did to my family, and I'm sure your bf does (or he will in the future) so try not to take it personally if he is moody, emotional, even angry at times. Withdrawal brings out the monster in us.

Again, I'm so happy that things are going well. Keep in touch, let us know how everything goes, and what actions your bf is taking to get himself on a good path to recovery.

One last thing - it is always advised that addicts detox under a doctors supervision. Is your bf able to confide in his family physician? "Most" doctors do not judge the addict, and are willing to help them taper/detox. If he is able to, I strongly suggest he make an appt. to discuss everything with his doc.

Good luck,
emsmom
 
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