my STORY, would you read it from just reading the blurb I wrote? Can you help me?

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vsprincess

New member
Hello, I need help writing a blurb (the back cover of the book) for my story. I have named it Behind her Eyes. What do you think of the Name, does it sound interesting could you offer a different one?

Blurb:
Behind Miranda Colman’s eyes she still see’s the man she once fell in love with five years ago. As Miranda looks closer at Christian she sees little of how she remembers him. As if struggling to keep the apartment rent wasn’t hard enough Miranda’s growing suspicions of her husband increases. But what is really going on behind Christian’s eyes is something Miranda had never hoped to discover.

Details
(Oh she suspects him of possibly cheating as he is working in the 'bank' later, but she discovers he was fired from taking money to fuel his gambeling addiction. He then gets a job as a drug dealer for the biggest drig rig in the city.)

Can you give me some tips, or help me change how i have wrote it, to make it sound better. I am not a great writer but i want to learn.
Thank You ~ xo
 
Well, i've got to say, i love your blurb. i love because it catches my interest and makes me want to know more of it. good job. if you like tips, i highly recommend this site. total help for aspiring writers:

http://www.cassandraclare.com/cms/writing

has all advice about describing characters, backstories, lots. totally recommend it.
 
This is good but has room to improve. Watch your grammar; use more commas. Constantly saying "behind their eyes" and such can become repetitive and tedious. Overall, you did a good job.
 
By reading the blurb I would suspect that the story title should be Behind HIS Eyes. Anyway it's not something I would read, but I doubt that I am your target audience.

The blurb itself is ok but you can make it much better. Don't try to work in too many details; a blurb should hit hard and give enough of a tease that readers buy the book. How many years they've been married isn't relevant at this point.

Also I have to ask; Is the story written? If not, it's way too early to be designing your cover blurb. Finish the story, do the rewrites, then move on to these things.

Not great, but here's my effort.

"Miranda Colman suspects her husband of being unfaithful. Christian's mood swings, his sullenness, all point towards another woman but Miranda struggles not to believe for she still sees the man she married, the man she fell in love with. She doesn't want to accept what is happening because she still sees him as the man he was, the man who only exists Behind Her Eyes."
 
You need to be a bit clearer. From the first sentences I thought Christian was dead or had left her or something, which only confused me 'cos then I was like 'why is she worrying about whether her dead husband had an affair?'. Obviously I don't know your story well enough to write a blurb, but maybe something like this based on what you've given, and maybe change it to 'Behind His Eyes' as that's where the secrets seem to be.

'Miranda Colman was struggling to see her husband as the man she fell in love with five years ago, the man who could show how much he loved her with just one look. He had changed so much, only increasing her suspicions that something was going on that he didn't want her to know about. With financial pressure building, Miranda is struggling to trust Christian, instead wanting to find out what exactly is going on behind his eyes.'
 
When writing don't overplay any one word. You use her name quite a bit of times in the blurb so switch some of them to pronouns rather than her noun name... she, her, etc vs Miranda. Also, never start a sentence with the words but or and. Those words are connecting conjunctions and are used to continue a sentence. In the last sentence of the blurb the word but can just be left off and start with 'What is..' for that sentence. It has more impact that way anyway. You can also omit the 'details' section and that should go on the blurb someway. Start that without the word 'Oh' too. When a blurb is on the back of a book you never see a 'details' section. The details are part of the blurb. Hope that helps.
 
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