i want a boyfriend! and in order for someone to retain that title he has to have certain "qualities". i haven't found a guy like that and if i have, they aren't interested in me! i don't think im too ugly..i mean guys check me out all the time but i dunno. i know im on the plumper side but still i have have no will power to work out everyday. maybe im afraid to. a friend of mine lost over 50 pounds and i think he looks way better but another girl told him that he looked better wit meat on him. what if that happens to me? but u know what if i lost like 20 pounds i think i would have an amazing figure! i am pretty well propotioned and even now ppl tell me all the time that i have a great ass. so i guess that's what's making me afraid...can u imagine if i looked bad after putting in all that effort???
and my friends. oh god my friends..i luv them but...i CAN'T STAND THEM SOMETIMES! and i know its prolly all me but STILL..for instance. 2 of my friends met thru me and now they have become reallie close. which bothered me a lot at first but now im okay with it (most of the time). see i realized that what they wanted was to be SOO close that they couldn't make a move without consulting the other person first. i am WAY to independent to do that! but i did try it with them for a week and it drove me CRAZY! i mean there's close and then there's "damn are they lesbians?" close. so today one of them tells me that shes gonna switch into my other friends lab next semester. usually the fact that she wanted to be in HER lab and not mine would bother me but now what bothers me is that she is so insecure? that she needs to do that. and im thinking is it me that's the weird one or is it her?
and as far as exercising goes...they go all the time together. i am not mad at them cuz they invite me along all the time but i dunno is this what being friends is all about? living like u can't live without each other?????
i mean my friend who i think im closest to (not one of the forementioned) ...we don't even chill like that. but that could be cuz she's older than me and our schedules don't match (actually its the complete opposite) but we still talk and all.
then there's me in relation to everyone else...i do kind of want to be the center of it all (one of my "best-friends" in elementary school told me i was an attention grabber) but at the same time when i have it, i just want everyone to look away. i feel like im under a microscope or im doing a solo performance on stage and the whole audience is watching to see if i'll fall flat on my face.
and i think the first person to shout/get up and laugh/walk out/ come to me would be my mom. we have our ISSUES. 364/365 days of the yr i can't stand her!! she is the biggest nag ive EVER known. and she's a complete BITCH too sometimes.
but this summer i went to visit her side of the family and found that it runs in the family. ALL THE GIRLS ON MY MOMS SIDE ARE CRAZY! they are stubborn, loud, grumpy and most importantly they love to critize their daughters. and its the tone they use with them that is the worst thing. my cousin told me that when she came to visit us once when i was younger, she heard the way my mom talked to me and felt soo bad but saw the immediate resemblence to her mom. (side bar: they don't get along well either). the strange thing is to other ppl, my mom is the coolest, funnest person. all thru when i was growing up my friends would tell me how great my mom was and how chill she was and how they wished she was their mom. but all i would say is: BE CAREFUL WHAT U WISH FOR. cuz they had no clue.
all i wonder is: does my mom, her sisters, and my grandma know how annoying they are????
and then there's my future life: until recently i wanted to become a veterinarian. but now that im actually working towards it. I REALLIE DON"T LIKE SCIENCE! its soo BORING! but the problem is if i don't do the whole vet thing...i have no clue what else to do! and the time is quickly approaching for me to decide. see i know what im looking for in a career: lots of money, exciting, something im passionate about, and travel but not making it impossible for me to have a family. that doesn't seem too hard rite? well IT IS!
im somewhat passionate about pshchology, atleast i find it parts of it interesting BUT the only profession where u can make a lot of mula is in clinical pysch which means id have to go to med school which inteferes with the whole family thing. AHHH...why is life so hard???
speaking of hard..we are back to the guy topic again. i keep hearing (in my head) that if u want happiness with a guy, u have to have happiness within urself first. i don't know if im happy. half the time i feel like im walking around numb and the other i feel like im a roller coaster of emotions. that doesn't make me an unhappy person does it? but i don't feel like running on the hills singing either so i dunno.
i guess the first step i have to take is making myself truly happy...the problem is i have no clue how to do that.
signed minx
and my friends. oh god my friends..i luv them but...i CAN'T STAND THEM SOMETIMES! and i know its prolly all me but STILL..for instance. 2 of my friends met thru me and now they have become reallie close. which bothered me a lot at first but now im okay with it (most of the time). see i realized that what they wanted was to be SOO close that they couldn't make a move without consulting the other person first. i am WAY to independent to do that! but i did try it with them for a week and it drove me CRAZY! i mean there's close and then there's "damn are they lesbians?" close. so today one of them tells me that shes gonna switch into my other friends lab next semester. usually the fact that she wanted to be in HER lab and not mine would bother me but now what bothers me is that she is so insecure? that she needs to do that. and im thinking is it me that's the weird one or is it her?
and as far as exercising goes...they go all the time together. i am not mad at them cuz they invite me along all the time but i dunno is this what being friends is all about? living like u can't live without each other?????
i mean my friend who i think im closest to (not one of the forementioned) ...we don't even chill like that. but that could be cuz she's older than me and our schedules don't match (actually its the complete opposite) but we still talk and all.
then there's me in relation to everyone else...i do kind of want to be the center of it all (one of my "best-friends" in elementary school told me i was an attention grabber) but at the same time when i have it, i just want everyone to look away. i feel like im under a microscope or im doing a solo performance on stage and the whole audience is watching to see if i'll fall flat on my face.
and i think the first person to shout/get up and laugh/walk out/ come to me would be my mom. we have our ISSUES. 364/365 days of the yr i can't stand her!! she is the biggest nag ive EVER known. and she's a complete BITCH too sometimes.
but this summer i went to visit her side of the family and found that it runs in the family. ALL THE GIRLS ON MY MOMS SIDE ARE CRAZY! they are stubborn, loud, grumpy and most importantly they love to critize their daughters. and its the tone they use with them that is the worst thing. my cousin told me that when she came to visit us once when i was younger, she heard the way my mom talked to me and felt soo bad but saw the immediate resemblence to her mom. (side bar: they don't get along well either). the strange thing is to other ppl, my mom is the coolest, funnest person. all thru when i was growing up my friends would tell me how great my mom was and how chill she was and how they wished she was their mom. but all i would say is: BE CAREFUL WHAT U WISH FOR. cuz they had no clue.
all i wonder is: does my mom, her sisters, and my grandma know how annoying they are????
and then there's my future life: until recently i wanted to become a veterinarian. but now that im actually working towards it. I REALLIE DON"T LIKE SCIENCE! its soo BORING! but the problem is if i don't do the whole vet thing...i have no clue what else to do! and the time is quickly approaching for me to decide. see i know what im looking for in a career: lots of money, exciting, something im passionate about, and travel but not making it impossible for me to have a family. that doesn't seem too hard rite? well IT IS!
im somewhat passionate about pshchology, atleast i find it parts of it interesting BUT the only profession where u can make a lot of mula is in clinical pysch which means id have to go to med school which inteferes with the whole family thing. AHHH...why is life so hard???
speaking of hard..we are back to the guy topic again. i keep hearing (in my head) that if u want happiness with a guy, u have to have happiness within urself first. i don't know if im happy. half the time i feel like im walking around numb and the other i feel like im a roller coaster of emotions. that doesn't make me an unhappy person does it? but i don't feel like running on the hills singing either so i dunno.
i guess the first step i have to take is making myself truly happy...the problem is i have no clue how to do that.
signed minx
