How do I help her? My younger sister dated a family friend for five years. They met when she was in high school--I was gone away to college. His parents moved here from a different state and he temporarily moved into our house with his mom and stepfather until they were able to get their own place. Both of our families felt odd about the relationship at first, but when it kept going throughout college, even when she studied abroad for a year, we came to see them as a couple and took it for granted and he was like my brother.
Since I went to college 9 years ago, I have lived 90-180 miles from my sister. We were always close, but when she became more distant, I assumed it was the distance and that we were in different life phases.
He proposed to her about a year and a half ago when she was done with college. She accepted, but did not tell anyone about it for 2 weeks and then she never wanted to make wedding plans. It seemed like a sign that things weren't quite right to everyone. When she broke it off suddenly and wouldn't give a real reason except that she didn't want to marry him, both families lashed out at her. My parents are still having trouble forgiving her as he is no longer part of the family and it has changed their relationships with his parents who have been good friends of theirs for over a decade.
A few months ago, she got a job close to where I live and we finally see each other on a regular basis again. She confessed to me yesterday that she had been uncomfortable with the relationship 6 months in, but stayed in it anyway. He was emotionally abusive. Early on in their relationship, he had raped her once when they were experimenting with acid and she had thought it was because of the drugs, but realized later that it was intentional.
I realize now that we should have seen the signs. She changed a lot then--became withdrawn and angry--and we assumed it was college. She clearly has trust issues now and feels guilty about suddenly walking out on a five year relationship. I assured her that she should have done it sooner and that it was a sign of strength not a heartless, rash move.
I was upset when she told me for obvious reasons and she didn't want me to be because it happened so long ago... yet it took her this long to tell me. My parents don't know and I feel that telling them since it took her so long to confide in anyone about it would be upsetting to her. I don't want them to say anything insensitive to her though because they don't understand... Even when they just bring him up in conversation must be painful to her... Should I keep it secret? How can I suggest that she get help without upsetting her?
She was a pretty good kid with good grades, but a slightly rebellious streak. Graduated college with honors. Has a good, respectable full-time job now in her field. He was a 'bad boy'. She tried the drugs, but doesn't do it anymore. His spending her money on drugs was one of the things she actually recognizes as being a huge problem in the relationship.
Since I went to college 9 years ago, I have lived 90-180 miles from my sister. We were always close, but when she became more distant, I assumed it was the distance and that we were in different life phases.
He proposed to her about a year and a half ago when she was done with college. She accepted, but did not tell anyone about it for 2 weeks and then she never wanted to make wedding plans. It seemed like a sign that things weren't quite right to everyone. When she broke it off suddenly and wouldn't give a real reason except that she didn't want to marry him, both families lashed out at her. My parents are still having trouble forgiving her as he is no longer part of the family and it has changed their relationships with his parents who have been good friends of theirs for over a decade.
A few months ago, she got a job close to where I live and we finally see each other on a regular basis again. She confessed to me yesterday that she had been uncomfortable with the relationship 6 months in, but stayed in it anyway. He was emotionally abusive. Early on in their relationship, he had raped her once when they were experimenting with acid and she had thought it was because of the drugs, but realized later that it was intentional.
I realize now that we should have seen the signs. She changed a lot then--became withdrawn and angry--and we assumed it was college. She clearly has trust issues now and feels guilty about suddenly walking out on a five year relationship. I assured her that she should have done it sooner and that it was a sign of strength not a heartless, rash move.
I was upset when she told me for obvious reasons and she didn't want me to be because it happened so long ago... yet it took her this long to tell me. My parents don't know and I feel that telling them since it took her so long to confide in anyone about it would be upsetting to her. I don't want them to say anything insensitive to her though because they don't understand... Even when they just bring him up in conversation must be painful to her... Should I keep it secret? How can I suggest that she get help without upsetting her?
She was a pretty good kid with good grades, but a slightly rebellious streak. Graduated college with honors. Has a good, respectable full-time job now in her field. He was a 'bad boy'. She tried the drugs, but doesn't do it anymore. His spending her money on drugs was one of the things she actually recognizes as being a huge problem in the relationship.