Hi. I am 24. I am an Israeli. I am a university student, I am gay, probably. I have never been in a relationship. I have never dated before. I am insecure, and have a low self-esteem.
I started masturbating when I was 11. Starting with straight pron, but moved on to gay porn and stuck with it. I was always afraid I would turn out gay, was ashamed of it and preyed I wouldn't be like that. I always had my doubts. I was very insecure about my sexual orientation, and still am. When my friends started talking about sex and their girlfriends, I felt uneasy.
I served in the army for 3 years from when I was 18 to 21. I shared a room with 7 other guys, and we had shared showers. I never though of my friends sexually, and I never had a boner when showering with other guys. I tried asking out a girl who served with me, but she said she couldn't, and it took me 6 months to get the clue. I don't know if I was attracted to her, but she is one of the most interesting girls I know, and she is one of my close friends from the army. I felt uncomfortable when the guys had their guy's talk at night speaking of girls, and comparing their body parts, who was sexy, who wasn't , and who they would sleep with. It felt like they viewed them as chunks of meat in a butcher shop, which I think is demeaning and inappropriate.
I moved to Canada after my service, about 2 years ago, to study in university. My friends drugged me out to a strip club, and they even bought me a lap dance once. I wasn't aroused at all, and was ashamed, but played along with the show, telling them I enjoyed every minute of it, though I felt like I didn't know where to bury myself.
So I started seeing a psychiatrist here on campus, after I felt I carried this sexual insecurity for too long. He said that if 99% of the porn I see is gay porn I am probably gay, 99% sure.
I then told my parents after they sent me among the usual junk mail a speech of a gay husband from his marriage in Israel, about tolerance, and his relationship with his father, that I found very touching and inspiring, so I shared it on facebook, 20 minutes later my mom asked me why did I do that, as it will attract unwanted attention to me. I told her to call my father, and sat them both in front of the computer cam, and told them the story. They said they love and accept me just the way I am, but asked if I was sure of it, and I told them 90%.
I felt good for telling them, but it raised more questions than answers that added to my insecurity.
I was talking with a close friend of mine here on campus yesterday, coming back from a party. Over the past few times I met him, he told me about how he is interested in a girl we both know from a student club we all go to on campus. We talked about it yesterday too, and I said I have no experience in relationships but suggested he goes with the flow, and try to ask her out when he feels he's ready. He then said that he opened up to me, but knows very little about me. So I told him, I think I was gay, and he was fine with it. I feel I want to tell every one, as being out is better than being in. but I need to be sure of my sexuality.
My psychiatrist recommended I start dating and get a feel of it.
So I met this guy online, and we had 2 dates, he's nice and funny, but I don't think I am attracted to him. I don't feel any chemistry. This is the first person I ever dated. I don't know what am I supposed to feel. We went out for coffee, and we meet again tomorrow.
I think of giving it a chance, and see what goes, if I start to develop an attraction to him. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I'll what happens till then.
But I am not sure what am I? Am I gay? Am I a terrible person for not being attracted to him?
What did I do wrong? Why is it so complicated? What can I do? How will I know? What am I supposed to feel? What's wrong with me?
I started masturbating when I was 11. Starting with straight pron, but moved on to gay porn and stuck with it. I was always afraid I would turn out gay, was ashamed of it and preyed I wouldn't be like that. I always had my doubts. I was very insecure about my sexual orientation, and still am. When my friends started talking about sex and their girlfriends, I felt uneasy.
I served in the army for 3 years from when I was 18 to 21. I shared a room with 7 other guys, and we had shared showers. I never though of my friends sexually, and I never had a boner when showering with other guys. I tried asking out a girl who served with me, but she said she couldn't, and it took me 6 months to get the clue. I don't know if I was attracted to her, but she is one of the most interesting girls I know, and she is one of my close friends from the army. I felt uncomfortable when the guys had their guy's talk at night speaking of girls, and comparing their body parts, who was sexy, who wasn't , and who they would sleep with. It felt like they viewed them as chunks of meat in a butcher shop, which I think is demeaning and inappropriate.
I moved to Canada after my service, about 2 years ago, to study in university. My friends drugged me out to a strip club, and they even bought me a lap dance once. I wasn't aroused at all, and was ashamed, but played along with the show, telling them I enjoyed every minute of it, though I felt like I didn't know where to bury myself.
So I started seeing a psychiatrist here on campus, after I felt I carried this sexual insecurity for too long. He said that if 99% of the porn I see is gay porn I am probably gay, 99% sure.
I then told my parents after they sent me among the usual junk mail a speech of a gay husband from his marriage in Israel, about tolerance, and his relationship with his father, that I found very touching and inspiring, so I shared it on facebook, 20 minutes later my mom asked me why did I do that, as it will attract unwanted attention to me. I told her to call my father, and sat them both in front of the computer cam, and told them the story. They said they love and accept me just the way I am, but asked if I was sure of it, and I told them 90%.
I felt good for telling them, but it raised more questions than answers that added to my insecurity.
I was talking with a close friend of mine here on campus yesterday, coming back from a party. Over the past few times I met him, he told me about how he is interested in a girl we both know from a student club we all go to on campus. We talked about it yesterday too, and I said I have no experience in relationships but suggested he goes with the flow, and try to ask her out when he feels he's ready. He then said that he opened up to me, but knows very little about me. So I told him, I think I was gay, and he was fine with it. I feel I want to tell every one, as being out is better than being in. but I need to be sure of my sexuality.
My psychiatrist recommended I start dating and get a feel of it.
So I met this guy online, and we had 2 dates, he's nice and funny, but I don't think I am attracted to him. I don't feel any chemistry. This is the first person I ever dated. I don't know what am I supposed to feel. We went out for coffee, and we meet again tomorrow.
I think of giving it a chance, and see what goes, if I start to develop an attraction to him. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I'll what happens till then.
But I am not sure what am I? Am I gay? Am I a terrible person for not being attracted to him?
What did I do wrong? Why is it so complicated? What can I do? How will I know? What am I supposed to feel? What's wrong with me?