My Homicidal Mind

T

Torin W

New member
Put your hanRAB up

I remember when
I was just a kid
I can not believe
I let all that go
I am standing here
I am not alone
I have nothing to fear
I have not a home

You are disgusting
You have nothing
You are full of ****
You deserve to be hit
You are full of yourself
You need to burn in hell
You need to go away
You can not stay

Respect is what I'm fighting for
My pride has been thrown on the floor
Why don't you kick me around some more
And find out just what is in store

I wont let this go any further
You need to be told what's what
Even if I'm charged with murder
And your body's buried in the mud
 
I think you should invest some time into thinking of more creative ways to say things. This might be what you're going for because it's metal, but it seems too blunt. For one thing, starting so many lines in a row with "I" or "you" just suggests a lack of different ways to phrase your ideas. A lot of this is begging to be re-worded, because it loses all impact when stated so plainly. "You deserve to be hit" and "You are full of yourself" are the worst examples of these. Just go over this and try to think of something a little subtler, or using more interesting language at least.
 
This is pretty bad. Rhymes are crap, subject matter is overdone, and has been done better (though every lyric in this vein is equally pretty terrible.)
 
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