my friend is dying from anorexia... help please!

T

TexasGirl15

New member
My friends been suffering from anorexia for years but I didnt find out about it until a year and a half ago. Her livers collapsing now and she still wont do anything. I know its not entirely her fault...its a mental thing but I'm having such a hard time understanding. How can I help her? She has anxiety attacks when she see's people and I've been texting her (but she hasn't been texting back lately) but the texting isn't enough because she's getting worse. I can't lose her...I need some advice, pleasee, I don't want her to go. Shes too young. She went to the priory in england and got up to a healthy-ish weight and she signed herself out. She got to her worst just before she went to hospital and told the doc she'd rather die than eat. I've such mixed emotions and need someone to help, she says I've had such a big impact on her recovery yet shes dying. Where do I go from here?
 
what about calling an ambulance for her? There are also ways to involuntarily commit people, though I'm not sure how to do it in your neck of the woods.
 
Hazeyy - My heart goes out to you and your friend. I have been on both sides of the fence, as the patient, and as a friend of the patient. The best thing you could do at this point is to keep in touch with your friend. Understand that her illness has nothing to do with you. What I found most helpful was when people came to see me. Please go see her, either by yourself, or with her mother. I remember that friends and relatives would ask me if I wanted company and I always said no, I didn't want to put anyone out, but when people knocked at my door I appreciated it. Your friend, and her family, is very lucky to have you in their lives. It takes a special person to stick with someone when they're down and out, when the going gets tough. Trust me, your friend will look back someday and will realize what an incredible friend you are. She can't see it now, but she will. I believe that her mother will find your continued support to be very helpful. At a time like this, the family feels helpless, they want to help the patient, but there's so little they can do.
Ann - With all due respect,Hazzey is a friend to her friend. Her friend is not by any means trying to pull her down. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
Please let us know what else we can do for you Hazzey. I'll say a prayer.
Peggy
 
you really are a great friend ya know? despite her fathers lack of believing in mental illness(very strange to say the least)like i mentioned above, depending upon how much that liver is actually being impacted right now, the ammonia CAN create a heck of alot of brain/thinking problems. it just does. that thing alone should be mentioned to both her mom and dad too. if they notice any big changes and alterations in her overall thinking decision making capacity, there IS room here for at least one of her parents to just speak with her doc about options. since her mom appears to be the most caring here i would speak to her and see what she can find out or simply ask her doc how badly her liver is impacted and could that affect her decision making and for her to at least be able to get her admitted into a hosp right now for further evaluation. thats kind of all i can think of as far as getting anywhere with her at this point.

if she is also suffering from depression, this would just help alot too. it does not matter what her father "thinks" about it, it is actually up to her doc to actually diagnose it and appropriately treat it too. this could help. as far as what you can do for her? don't walk away even tho she may try and push you away right now, thats what depressed people usually do, they don't want to really be bugged or bothered with a whole lot, including family and even best friends at times. all you can do is try and convince her that she IS cared about and has things to live for so she needs to get herself help. knowing that you just really DO have people who love you and are there for you, even when you attempt to push them away, believe me, it really DOES matter.

but i would just try talking to her and really see if you also notice any possible real changes in her personality or memory lapses when speaking or confusion. this IS a sign that the liver is not filtering the ammonia or other toxins in her blood right now. this is just what will give at least her mom some room to intervene upon her behalf, espescially if depression is also there too. then her mom really needs to speak with her doc about this. she is just wayyy too young to be having to go thru all this and deal with it just like you are.

i do hope that someone can get the right info here on her overall condition and just hopefully get her placed into a health facility for that eval to see what still can be done. the sooner the better. she just NEEDS to try and save her liver and herself. i would think that her doc, just considering everything would already be trying to get this part done ya know? if he KNOWS her medical history and has any doubts that her thinking is not the norm(because of both mental health and disease processes going on), he does have a duty to try and step in here too.

i do hope she will help herself here, or somone can legally intervene on her behalf soon. if that liver is actually failing on her she does not have alot of time here. it all depends upon how well it is still functioning. please keep me posted hon, hang in there, FB
 
everyone kind of copes with things like this in thier own ways so i cannot really give you a true answer here only some guesses? if she has been telling you how truely important you are for her daughter right now, well, i would actually just show up at her moms house one day to just simply check on "HER". having gone thru my own experience where my son was dying from liver failure when he was 12 back in 2000, i was feeling pretty much constantly drained and overwhelmed by everything, ya know? after his transplant, some things got better but other things were replaced by brand new fears too. the key here is just to try and reach out to her mom right now in order to really find out if she IS having her own problems here in just dealing with everything and most importantly, asking her if there is just ANYTHING that YOU can really do for HER to make things a bit easier. trust me, when things are not going well with our children, we just tend to focus only on the child and not a whole lot more(you just do NOT have that energy),so anything that you can do for her would probably feel very much welcomed and you could just speak with her then too and see how your freind really is doing.

discussing ways of keeping in contact with maybe her just putting the new and important hings going on in one compiled email at the end of a week or something and simply sending it ou to all the people who really do care about her daughter might be easier. all she has to do is keep kind of a running email and just add anything that is going on during the week maybe a few minutes each day? this also would be helpful for her too as a place where she could just vent her real feelings and you would all know how "everyone" is really doing? just one thought.

but since she HAS told you already how much your involvement is actually appreciated here, i would just take the initiative and pop in and just see what YOU can do for HER and get some updatd info too. she just may feel a bit too tired or overwhelmed like i was to even think of talking to anyone on the phone, so just dropping by may be the thing to do in this situation. all you can do is just try things and see how it goes from there ya know?

at the very least it will truely show her just how much you REALLY care about all of the family. and it will get you the info you want too. just tell her you are there for whatever she needs done. if you see something while you are there that looks like it just needs doing, insist on doing it for her. she may be hesitant but if this particular thing has not yet been done and you just know it should be, tell her you do insist on making something better for her and do it anyway. i really do think it will be much more appreaciated than you or she may even think. this will also just maybe give her a chane to just vent a bit and discuss things with you too ya know? sometimes all you really do need is someone to listen to you when you are dealing with some pretty crappy stuff. i hope this helps some. just do what you think you may need or wouldf want in this type of situation too. evry little bit can help and contribute. good luck with her hazey, and please let me know anything you should find out too, hang in there hon, Marcia
 
i did show up 2 her house in april and i know they appreciated it but she startd slipping after it so dont know if they would appreciate it as much this time and when i mentioned coming back up her ma didnt think it was d best of ideas! iv asked her ma countless times if shes ok and said im here for her as much as i am for my friend. i know she must feel 10times worse den i do...i cant even imagine what shes going through! what her whole family is going throw for that matter!
her ma has cut me & the girls off completely & 'the internets down' for the last few weeks...i dunno what else i can really do! i know its not nice to say but i dont think its fair all her friends are being kept in the dark! even just 2 answer her phone ya know?! but sure having to go through all this isnt fair for anyone!
i also hope your son has recovered!...& your keeping well too! i'll keep everyone updated...thanks a mill Marcia, its interesting to hear what you would have liked & found helpful! you were in the same position as my friends ma & i didnt really thought about it much til recently!
Best wishes, H xxx
 
her ma has told me shes being hospitalized within 2week...im so delighted! feel awful that its against her will but I understand now she cant think properly. Thanks a mill 4 this...you cant believe how much you've done for me and I appreciate it soooo much. I'll keep u updated and thanks again!
H xx
 
I am sorry you are involved with this friend because it is you that is going to suffer in the end. You can't help her no matter what you say or do you can't help her. If you could help she would be back to 'normal' wouldn't you think? but she isn't ...she is killing herself and there isn't anything a doctor, hospital or you or her family can do. Anorexia is all about control issues...it is deep seated and she apparently can't let go and it is much like an alcoholic or anyone that is addicted to something they themselves have to be the one to climb back out of that black hole...only she can do this. She has been given all the tools to be able to help herself but she has decided to check out. You now are left with this very sad outcome...it is the ones that are left behind that will suffer and time for you to not invest too much of yourself into this loosing battle. If you have the need to help people then help those that truly appreciate the help and do volunteer work at a shelter of some sort but limit yourself with this 'friend' or you are going to find yourself in so much pain...and by the way she is not a friend. Good luck.
 
Hi Pegala,
what you said really means a lot 2 me. Sometimes its so hard 2 stick it out with all that goes on in my head & its a relief 2 hear that it cud mak the tiniest diff. I hope your doing well...never understood these eating disorders before my friend but god, theres alot & i dnt understand what people go through but i know its awful.. i really do pray 4 them!
I dont think now s a great time 2 visit cause shes very sick at the moment & dnt think id get as much of a warm welcome from her as well as her family as i did the first time but i definately have it in the cards! i know she appreciated it when me & another friend went to visit but cant help feeling guilty cause it was a few weeks aftr we went 2 visit that she started 2 slip. Hopefully she gets a place in hosp. and maybe could visit her then. do u know if friends can visit if shes hospitalized? well sure i'll ring and see. Hope so!
But thanks so, so much. All these comments have been so helpful and i reeeally appreciate the support and help. I dont know what i'd do if i hadnt of become a member here.
I appreciate where Ann is coming from but I'm unbelieveably happy i'm friends with her and I wouldnt change that =) you guys would LOVE this girl, she means so much 2 me and i love her so much. Just unfortunate that she has an ED. But im trying 2 help as much as i can so fingers crossed.
Ahhh cant stop crying now...so grateful people are here 2 help and listen so thanks so much.
H xxx
 
I just saw this and i hope your friend recovers with full speed and completely. I will keep your friend in my prayers and i agree with the other person who says that you are a good friend. there are not many people who are as loyal and caring as a friend as you seem to be and for this, i must tip my hat to you.

frankly, people like you and the other person who posted help for you make the world a better place.
 
Hazey, You are such a sweet and compassionate friend.

There is a Board on this site, the Eating Disorder Recovery Board and I was thinking you may get some additional support there as well:

Here is the link:
forumdisplay.php


Also, the UK has a Government website for its' citizens (you're in Ireland no?) called Directgov providing information and online services for the public all in one place.

They supplied this link for info on anorexia:

DG_10036728


Hope this helps.

zuzu xx
 
when you say her liver is 'collapsing" what exactly does that mean? there are a few things that could also be going on here too, besides just the anorexia. one other thing is depression that it really does also appear,not wanting to see people and not caring about her current situation either. when it becomes severe,you just very easily can feel that way(i myself suffer from severe recurrent depression and i know how that can be). another thing here is how badly her liver is really being impacted. when the liver starts to lose certain functions, there are some big issues that arise. one of them is called encephalopathy from lack of the normal toxins(espescially the ammonia we just have in our bodies)being removed from the system. this can very EASILY affect the cognative/decision making capabilities in anyone who just has this going on. ammonia directly attaches itself to brain cells for some reason and that alone can cause memeory lapses, confusion, and loss of ability to just make the right decisions or any real thought out decisons. it would all depend upon how severe the impact is on her liver right now.

just how old is she? do her parents want to be involved here or have they given up on her? unfortunetly some parents do. the thing with the liver being involved and the possible brain impairment combined with what appears to be depression,well that alone could be making her feel this way and that could at least give her parents some wiggle room as far as getting her into a hospital where they can at least try and clear things enough to see where she really actually is inside her head,you know what i mean?

if someone is mentally altered like she could just possibly be right now, that does change possible forms of intervention here. but like ann mentioned, the rest is really up to her only. the key that you need to find here right now is whether or not she IS actually mentally not able to make rational decisions for herself due to illness or altering of mental status by disease. this i would think would be up to her parents possibly. if they can simply speak with her doc about this particular issue. it can possibly at least get her the treatment so she CAN think more clearly. if she knows her liver is being impacted at all, that doc who dxed this would be the one for her parents to possibly talk to. while the doc cannot share her actual info.THEY can at least ask questions of him and bring up what i just mentioned. at that point, it would be up to him and all the medical info he has, to make that possible decision.

this is just a shot here but it may be happeneing and there is some room for intervention ONLY due to possible affectation of her normal mental status. i hope this works out for her, but no matter what, she has a very long and difficult road ahead. please keep us posted, FB
 
Hey everyone!
Quick update!
My friends not been doin the best! Shes been having her down days a lot! She has sent a few texts in the last year on special occasions like christmas & when i was going in 4 my operation! I havnt heard from her family in ages .. i text them at christmas to see if they could collect my christmas present for my friend but no reply! My friends kept in touch with 1 of the other girls too which is great! Its nice to know she still has some trust in us, otherwise she wouldnt text at all! Shes been tellin us abou her goals 4 the week & its great to hear she has some plan! But her ma has recently had a mental breakdown & i wonder how this will affect my friend! .. will it push her to get better or will she turn back to anorexia to 'cope'?
I'm really at a dead end .. i text her a lot & act as though i'm fine but its hard not knowing whether my support is helping or whether its falling on deaf ears!
Anyway thats all i know ... unfortunately! wish i could know more!
All the best,
H xx
 
believe me H,you are making more than just a "tiny' impact here on her and her family. people just really DO remember who their true friends were when things were rough. trust me on that one. some people back off because they cannot handle it or its just a 'bother" for them to even get involved. it is people like you who just are there that matter most when we feel scared and alone and like no one really understands where we are at. all you ever have to do if you are ever at a loss for words, is just think about what YOU yourself would want and need if you were in a bad medical situation, ya know? everything you do just does matter to your friend right now. just knowing that she can count on you to be there,tho it may not seem like it at times because of how 'she" is feeling, it does give her a great feeling of being cared about ya know? having anyone care about is always special to us.just keep on being you H.

have you heard anything new or found out just when she is goin to be admitted to the hospital yet? just wondering how things are going, thats all. please update when you can. hang in there H, FB
 
hi H, good to hear from you, really. honestly? if she is actually texting you, she WANTS that friendship, but what any person can actually 'give" to any relationship when dealing with alot of medical and emotional issues is what you have to take for now, ya know what i mean? believe me, only becasue of the huge amount of medical issues i have been dealing with and my sons and my ongoing pain? ALL of my friendships have been changed in some way or form. you just cannot give what is usually given in any real releationship now. its very very different for her now than it was before? so do not take lack of like a constant form of contact with her or expect to even 'have' the same exact "type' of ongoing relationship right now personally. it is NOT you, its the changes in HER and what SHE is just dealing with here, thats all. honestly H, just really understanding THAT part of things and why your relationship just is the way it is right now truely IS the best thing you CAN actually do for her since not all people will get that part unless they have actually been in THAT type of a situation? so YOU right now ARE a step ahead here in just what i am telling you to always keep in mind, K?

sorry her mom had the breakdown, but it really is not suprising with all she has had to endure. when your kid is sick, it just drains you every single day in just trying to actually cope and deal with everything that comes along for the ride just being in that situation. espescially if you are really helpless in being able to actually even 'do' anything to actually help your child? it sucks the life out of you. so she(your friend) may be also dealing with some guilt here in what this all has done to her mom? just keep in mind that this just takes its toll on the "family' as a whole but in very different ways hon. the best thing you can do right now is just 'be there'. anytime she texts you,text back or if she needs you for a particular reason, try and be there for her. like i said, your relationship is still there? its just going to be a bit 'different' for at least a while yet. but you ARE truely a really great friend. just NOT pulling away or out of her life right now is what you need to do that really IS the best thing for her. let her know that you know things are indeed different but how much her friendship means to you just IS the same, that that has not changed at all? just do what you seem to already do here H, and that is simply care about her. being there for someone in a situation like hers really means TONS to the person who is having to suffer thru it, trust me on that one. just keep trying and hanging in there H, like i said, you really ARE a great friend already. FB
 
Her mam just told me her liver is on the verge of collapsing & i dont know what that means.
Shes 19 now! Her da's a different religion and from what her ma has told me, he doesnt believe in mental illness & kind of just puts it to the side. But her ma is so heartbroken & I dont think shes ever going to give up.
I know some people can call it a 'hopeless case' but I know my friend is strong and determined, I just dont know if shes determined to get better or to make herself worse.
I'm really sorry to hear about your suffering from depression. Do you have any advice as to how to make thngs even a tiny bit better? Should I keep letting her know Im here for her or should I be straight with her? I'm really worried about telling her just how I feel incase I break the last piece of trust she has with me. But I guess Im going to have to. Could make things worse or make things even a little better! Its just soo hard to get my head around it and the lack of info and support in Ireland is absolutely shocking. Im only 18 and a lot of voluntary works requires you to be 20. Is there really nothing i can do?
 
thanks feelbad =)
iv no update unfortunately...her ma hasnt talkd 2 me 4 a while! but i know shes lookin at a clinic in sweden called mandometer! ill let ya kno as soon as i do!
thanks 4 the support xxxxx
 
im so happy she wants my friendship ... it was jus so sudden 2 hav my best friend stuck 2 my hip 24/7 & then shes gone completely with only a few texts throughtout the year! bu its scary that she keeps goin up & dwn and by the time its done she'll hav 4gotn abou me & i kno that sounds selfish ...well it is, bu as much as i want her 2 ge better..im worried its guna take 2 long & shes guna think 'well its been this long & things will b awkward' & then i wont hear frm her! its kinda hard 2 explain! & of course id prefer 4 her 2 b better .. id giv anything! really i wud!
i knooow ... its so sad! her ma's so lovely & always been so bright bu when i went 2 visit in april & my friend was in havin lunch (although it took her awhile it was sooo reassuring she was on the right path) i had sucha sad convo wit her ma! .. she told me how she feels & what its lik & d pain in her eyes wer unbelievable & iv never really understood wa people meant by that bu i really could .. she was sooo heartbroken! & her bro seemed quite angry with her! of course he luvs her bu i think he was so frustrated! i felt weak when i saw her ... of course i was happier more than anything cuz iv missed, & do miss her so so so soooo much bu i was almost scared 2 hug her! bu when i did i cudnt let go haha .. it automatically felt lik it was only yesterdy that i saw her!
its soo nice 2 know ur here 4 when things get bad...u understand & i thank thank THANK you sooo much!
Best wishes,
H xxx
 
im very confused now! her ma keeps telling us how important our involvement is bu she hasnt text us back or answered our calls in weeks! i know shes having a v. hard time bu i dont know why she would b avoiding us!!! do you think it has anything 2 do with my friend not wanting her ma 2 be involved wit us? =(
 
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