My first Post...so tear it up guys. Fresh meat.

I

ilovemyarmyguy

New member
(disclaimer...... none)
Daddy's Boy
Daddy did you stumble in?
Or is this just pretend?
Your voice is fadin.
Just another lie,
While I wave to you good bye.

You left me sitting alone
neva stayin, neva swayin

Your face made of stone.

Your with a family of your own.
No one's home.

I try to call you on the phone,
No one's home.

Im all grown,
you have no dial tone.

But i'm still a daddy's boy....

Did she whither and break?
Was your intent to destroy?

Was I just a mistake.
Was she your ploy?

You slithered in like a snake.
Were you just a boy?

Does your heart even ache?
Was she your toy?

But i'm still a daddy's boy....

You act coy while you grin.

Daddy did I just win?
Or is this just pretend?
You said you were stayin.
Just another lie,
While I sit alone and cry.

You left me spinnin alone
Neva prayin, Neva playin

Your life made of stone.

No one is home daddy....

Who will recall your sins?

Daddy did you give in?
I wish this was pretend.
Your voice is fadin.
I wish I could cry,
While I watch you die.

But I know im still a daddy's boy....​

(Re wrote it a bit, let me know if its better. There were some parts I was trying to work in too much emotion. Just wondering how the flow sounRAB. It still neeRAB editing, I'm trying to use repetition in a way that is doen't sound chorusy.)
 
Lol kistch, I am glad you think so.

hmmmm There are many many songs that deal with fathers It is a re-occuring theme in a lot of music.

Eitherway, im glad to see some sort of response so quickly.

The no one's home is definately a second voice. A lot of my writing incorporates two voices. This was more of a poem for MY GF who still has not gotten over her father. However, I can see where it is a little tad emotional and honest for some.
 
Welp Klitch you have no basis for the arguement of forced rhyme, due to the fact that the structue is sound.

I can definately agree with cliches. No one's home is definately a bit too cliche and I think I will definately omit it. It's good to see honest opinions. People in this day and age hold their tongues too much.

One of the hard things in poetry is relating to as many people as you can, while still maintaining uniqueness. I havent seen any of your work, please send me some so I can see where your comming from. I don't know how to take your comments if I don't know your writing style. For all I know, your extremely cryptic and only wrtie poetry to satisfy some deep desire to sound smarter then the rest of us.

My only two rules for my poetry are
Dont use anyhting just for shock value
and be honest.

Other then that....i'm easy going on art.
 
a rule of thumb, if your poem rhymes it had better say something that's never been said before. poems that enjamb and don't say anything new are tolerable. bad poems that rhyme are real bad.
 
i don't think there's anything wrong with rhyming as long as the rhymes aren't this simple. I think that's what ruins this one more than anything, the rhyming is way too simple
 
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