My first poem attempt. Opinions pleasee...?

J

Jo B

New member
I need to write a poem including a telephone conversation for my English A level. It supposed to express the way i feel about "entrapped" emotions for some dude.
I have managed to write one, but my opinion of it is low, and to be honest it doesn't seem very poem like.
Opinions pleasee, If it is awful do give me some constructive advice.
Thanks

The receiver;
Cold and heavy in the hand of its captor. Hard against her skin.
The numbers;
Slowly pressed , the thought of your voice makes her shiver and the prisoner begins its battle.
The ringing;
An annoyance, something she longs to stop.
But replaced by the increasing volume
Of the prisoner, as it tries to escape
Its cage; so strongly structured
So tightly bound.
“Hello”
The voice so soft and soothing. But damaging to the prisoner inside.
“Hey”
“Are you okay?”
No, not with a prisoner so adamant to escape.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?”
“Yes I am. I’ve missed you.”
The cage wears thin,
It grows stronger.
Too strong.
The feeling of those words rising in her throat,
Almost reaching the tip of her tongue.
She will not let it escape.
“I have missed you too.”
It didn’t.

I’d love to let the prisoner go,
But I fear the damage it will do.
Yet keeping it entrapped is damaging too.

A woman, giggling;
The cage collapsed.
The prisoner tortured.
Unrepairable Damage.
But not for the first time, he does it frequently.
“I’m sorry, is it okay to call you back later? I‘m with a friend”
The crushing weight of the cage.
“…..sure.”
“okay…goodbye”
“Bye”
The dialling tone.
I love you.

I’d love to let the prisoner go,
But I fear the damage it will do.
Yet keeping it entrapped is damaging too.
 
Ok honestly if you are willing to spend that much time on a poem. It must be good. And it is.

Great job.

Turn it in and I can assure you that you will get no lower than a B+

Hope it gets an A+

GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!
 
I would repeat a phone conversation or have it start on every stanza, like

"Hello," the dark fellow declared
secretly, invisible, he sneered.

"Hello," the return was given
Innocent of the crime coming.



"
 
wow! that's really good! it's amazing! well done!
it's a bit long, but if it was shorter, it wouldn't be as good as there is so much that happens in the poem, it needs to be long.

again, well done! hope you get a good grade for it! : )
 
Wow!
That is fantastic!

I totally understand it.

It's about a girl who loves a guy and she thinks he is cheating on him, he doesn't have time to talk to her and it really hurts her.


That's great for your first time
 
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