my first attempt at poetry. comments suggestions appreciated?

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gargoyl

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these walls that surround me now
with the stench of hell
used to be alive
with a beautiful smell
panic sets in
my chest so tight
i race here i wounder there
can not find my sight
i am picked up to be thrown down
there's only one place
she can be found
our dreams now dust
benevolent attempts to renew
in the garden where dreams grew
now stagnate me
 
I agree with Stevo - mind you, it is beautiful! I would just get a rhyme scheme going and also change the third to last line (benevolent attempts to renew) though you have used some great choices of words, I would say it has too many sylables....
<3 great poem tho!
 
This is a very good first poem. Keep up the good work. You will find writing poetry will help get all those angry hurt feelings out. One thing I noticed was in the seventh line, although it may be a Freudian slip, as you may feel wounded. But did you mean wander? Good job.

PS I hope you find true love!
 
Oh, I LOVE it! You have a great talent. It rhymes nicely. Very sad... But i love it! It is beautiful. Please, write more poems!
 
Your poem doesn't need to rhyme. Rhymes are chains that keep your poem imprisoned and keep your words from flowing freely. Plus they're a little elementary. I would say no rhymes at all.
 
Imagine
there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
Your POME is so depressing
It's gonna make me cry
So hand me my lager
And a bowl of pretzels too
The next time you write such stuff
I'm going to the ZOO!!
***
 
i like it alot. one small thing i would take away though is "now" in the first sentance. i just think is flows better. try reading it outloud with and with out the "now"

:)
 
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