Hey! I'm writing a story about a homeless man and this is the first paragraph I have just written. Does it sound alright? please be honest...but not too mean..thank you!
Jak leaned forward from the hard park bench, its green paint slowly peeling away. He cleared his throat as If to start a long story.
"My papa had once told me I was destined for greatness. Somehow I could never lead myself to believe him. One of four children growing up in the cold winters of New York I was never sure I would reach the expectations my family held for me."
A plump faced boy stared into his dull eyes almost sensing pity as he wrapped his thick wooly scarf tighter around his neck.
" I had forgotton " he stammered. "I haven't even introduced myself, but you see I'm not one for introductions" he said in a heavy sigh. "Usually people don't stay to hear stories. My stories anyway." The conversation was broken by the loud clatter of heels down the path. A pale faced women finally emerged, grabbing the boys arm. " Come Jackie " her stern voice attempted to lead him away from Jak. "But I want to stay" he said in a high pitched whine. " Its ok buddy, maybe some other time, go with mama"
Eyes heavily painted with liner turned a both fierce but fearful glance at the man. With a grasping hand on the back of her boy, she shuffled him along in such a hurry that the boy nearly tripped over his feet.
"Its always the same" Jak muttered as he parted the stale snow from the ground with his worn shoe. With a sad and lonely glance, he watched the pair disappear past the white dusted trees and away forever.
The energy of the city seemed to slowly rise as men with combed hair and tight suits began to clutter the long streets. Jak observed with admiration the tightly grasped leather briefcases. Carrying them as if they contained precious metals.
The shout for a taxi began to grow louder every couple of minutes. The city's echo, felt by the dull skyscrapers which seemed to grow taller everyday.
Jak entered the small pizza shop, adorned 'Mak's Slice' with faulty neon lettering and approached the counter. A few people were wedged between the small benches and seats. One chair trembled significantly under one of the customers. The pizza sat on view inside the thin glass, grease dripping off Salami, cheese and other variations of toppings. The serving trays seemed welcoming, stacked high yet with some of the edges adorned in aging cheese. Jak thought the whole atmosphere was quite reclusive. A tall man towered over the counter. "I'll have a Supreme, please" Jak said slightly hesitantly as he observed a maggot wriggling deeper into the raw crust. He was used to it though. Jak slipped his hand into his worn pocket and for once in years felt the cool touch of a round metal coin. "That'll be $2.00 for that you bum" Jak tried not to show his regret for coming here as he collected the aging pizza. Balancing the paper plate he strolled out casually and slipped it into the bin with no regrets.
Jak leaned forward from the hard park bench, its green paint slowly peeling away. He cleared his throat as If to start a long story.
"My papa had once told me I was destined for greatness. Somehow I could never lead myself to believe him. One of four children growing up in the cold winters of New York I was never sure I would reach the expectations my family held for me."
A plump faced boy stared into his dull eyes almost sensing pity as he wrapped his thick wooly scarf tighter around his neck.
" I had forgotton " he stammered. "I haven't even introduced myself, but you see I'm not one for introductions" he said in a heavy sigh. "Usually people don't stay to hear stories. My stories anyway." The conversation was broken by the loud clatter of heels down the path. A pale faced women finally emerged, grabbing the boys arm. " Come Jackie " her stern voice attempted to lead him away from Jak. "But I want to stay" he said in a high pitched whine. " Its ok buddy, maybe some other time, go with mama"
Eyes heavily painted with liner turned a both fierce but fearful glance at the man. With a grasping hand on the back of her boy, she shuffled him along in such a hurry that the boy nearly tripped over his feet.
"Its always the same" Jak muttered as he parted the stale snow from the ground with his worn shoe. With a sad and lonely glance, he watched the pair disappear past the white dusted trees and away forever.
The energy of the city seemed to slowly rise as men with combed hair and tight suits began to clutter the long streets. Jak observed with admiration the tightly grasped leather briefcases. Carrying them as if they contained precious metals.
The shout for a taxi began to grow louder every couple of minutes. The city's echo, felt by the dull skyscrapers which seemed to grow taller everyday.
Jak entered the small pizza shop, adorned 'Mak's Slice' with faulty neon lettering and approached the counter. A few people were wedged between the small benches and seats. One chair trembled significantly under one of the customers. The pizza sat on view inside the thin glass, grease dripping off Salami, cheese and other variations of toppings. The serving trays seemed welcoming, stacked high yet with some of the edges adorned in aging cheese. Jak thought the whole atmosphere was quite reclusive. A tall man towered over the counter. "I'll have a Supreme, please" Jak said slightly hesitantly as he observed a maggot wriggling deeper into the raw crust. He was used to it though. Jak slipped his hand into his worn pocket and for once in years felt the cool touch of a round metal coin. "That'll be $2.00 for that you bum" Jak tried not to show his regret for coming here as he collected the aging pizza. Balancing the paper plate he strolled out casually and slipped it into the bin with no regrets.