my daughter relapsed big time, at end my rope

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I have been on here on an off over last 5 or so years regarding my daughters addiction to opiates. She has been an opiate addict many years, percocets,vicodin then it went to methadone,oxys an herion. A few years ago she was very bad an eventually got in trouble got put on probation an went through a drug court program an was put on suboxune program. For over a year I took her to her na meetings drug court an counseling an had temp custody of her child. She seemed to be gettin it together an got her daughter back. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then my mother was diagnosed w alzheimers an my brother with cancer all at same time an for a year I was the main caregiver to both of them. Down to feeding them changing them plus working for myself at same time. They both died last year within 3 months of each other. During this time my daughter got pregnant wile on sub the baby was born addictd an was in neo hospital about a month an the baby had to be weaned. Right after the baby got home my daughter startd takin ritalin, a lot of it she didn't even make it to her grandmas showing, she relapsed again 3 months later when my brother died or maybe she never stopped. The week after he was buried she was evicted from her house came lived with me 7 months til I couldn't take it anymore. She is always wining about her life an kiRAB. Anyways during last 3 months she has moved 4 times sold her car for nothing so now has no transportatiom. She quit taking the subs started selling them to buy methadone. I didn't even know until she told me she needed to get to rehab. Well finally she told me she went from methadone to herion. I have been takin her 30 miles north trying get her into methadone clinic,they found out she was selling her subs an that has delayed her dosing. She will be 28 next month. My other kiRAB are tellin me they will bury me early for tryng to save her. She is making me mentally an physically sick. She texts me constantly for rides, diapers, cigs or complaining about being dope sick. I'm sick of driving to the clinic I don't have time to work an I love my work. I don't know where my responsibility with her an her kiRAB end. I'm angry all the time an scared to lose her. Feel like I've lost so many years to her addiction. I have been an enabler an did tough love to now I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Please anyone with any advice I need help. Sorry so long her history an this addiction has destroyed so much of our family. Thanks for your time,tami
 
First let me say I am so sorry for the losses of your father and brother. You are one special lady to have been able to take care of them. I cannot even imagine the burden that must have been let alone dealing with your daughter and caring for your grand-daughter. Unfortunately, good care takers make great enablers, and I mean no disrespect with that statement. Your daughter has been able to live the way she does because you have always been there to pick up the pieces. That is a wonderful thing when she is doing what she neeRAB to do, working, taking care of her children, etc.

There are no easy answers here. If it was me, after all the water under the bridge, I would tell your daughter she has one last chance to get clean and if not, then I would be filing to take her children away. Then I would focus on making a nice life for my myself and my grandchildren.

Your daughter has had many opportunities to get help. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the last one. If there was something you could do to make her get well then you would have already done it. This is something she has to do for herself. There are experts there to guide her but she has to make that decision. As long as you are there to rescue her, she doesn't have to change.

I know that is easy to say but it is the truth. You sound like a wonderful mother even though I am sure you don't feel like one with all this with your daughter. You selflessly took care of your other family, you took in your granddaughter. You have moved heaven and earth to help your daughter as I know you are now doing for your grandchildren. It's time for your daughter to make it on her own. Can she? I don't know but I do know you can't do it for her no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you love her. That's what sucks about this, no amount of love will cure addiction, and it feels like it should.

It's time for you to think about you for a change. It hurts, it sucks and it feels very wrong to leave her to her own devices, but it is the best thing for HER. I know it's not for you. You want to hold her close, keep her safe and chase all her demons away. I wish it worked like that but it does not. She has got to find her own way.

I wish I had a better answer for you.
 
Hello Tami

If nothing changes, then nothing changes...

Close your eyes and think about that for a minute.

I agree with boxerluver. Although you may not have realized it, you are enabling your daughter.

You have to be firm and give her an ultimatum. It will most likely be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but it is something that neeRAB to happen. You can't go on like this, and neither can she.

You have been through so much lately, and you deserve a break. These years are supposed to be spent playing with your grandchildren, going to lunch or getting a pedicure with your oldest girlfrienRAB, making fancy dinners just because you have the time etc.

I suggest you make a plan, decide what you will or will not tolerate from your daughter, write it down and stick to it no matter what. No matter what (this is where it gets pretty hard).

Your daughter will most likely turn against you, blame you, hate you, even threaten you, however you have to remeraber that you've been the one helping her fuel her addiction. Now you're about to stop the train dead in it's tracks and she's not going to like it.

You are a wonderful mother Tami, and an even better grandmother. You want your daughter to be "normal" and healthy again but you don't know the right way to go about it. Well, you've come to the right place for help, cause there are some really wonderful people on this board who are always willing to help.

I wish you lots of luck. Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes. Just remeraber - God isn't going to give you more than you can handle (pass that along to your daughter).

Sincerely,
emsmom
 
Thank u so much for your advice, I was feeling that its time to save myself an feeling resentful then I would feel guilt an like I'm a terrible mother for feeling that way. I am goin to tell her the only help or support I will give her is if she is working a recovery an as long as she has been in this cycle I feel she neeRAB residential treatment. She has been living the life as a hustler an addict for most of her adult life an the way I see it that is the only chance she has at life. I cannot take custody of my granchildren again an have been feeling major guilt for that because there is no one else. Her brothers are done with any kind of help or communication with her at this time an they get angry with me for all I been doin for her. I agree that care takers can make very good enablers. I have trouble determining were the line is drawn on helping her an enabling her. I want a life an feel guilty about that. Thank you so much I really needed support an sure will in future.
 
Tami,

You are a wonderful mother and grandmother. You should not feel guilty for wanting peace in your life. Being the parent/spouse of an addict is harder then most people realize. My husband supported me through my addiction and recovery, however he didn't realize he was enabling me. I knew all the tricks, and what to say to get him to do what I wanted.

I am an addict and have been through rehab, NA meetings, addiction doctors etc. I am at a very good place in my life. I have been clean for over a year and a half and I couldn't be happier. So, just know this advice is coming from someone who has been there, done that.

You deserve to have a life, free of worry and guilt. Your daughter neeRAB to grow up, get help and get her life back too.

I'll be thinking of you...

emsmom
 
I agree with ensmom, you are a wonderful mother and grandmother. I am not an addict, but a close family meraber was and I understand being afraid of feeling guilty. It's very hard to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Your worried that if something happens to her while you are not "taking care" of her it will be your fault. It will NOT be. She is making the choices that are causing the chaos. After all this as ensmom said, you deserve peace in your life.

I like the sound of your plan and we are here anytime you need us!
 
so sorry to hear about what u r going thru. we r just beginning to go thru it. the sad thing is because of our sons age(20), we have no legal recourse. he has to be the one to sign himself in. he took 17 hits of lsd at one time and did permanent brain damage and thinks illegal drugs will help. he already told us he will never get a job and will use all his frienRAB and family to get by. thank god he has no children. we do not know what to do. going crazy. we end up fighting all the time because of this. it is ruining our lives and we have a 12 yr old daughter to raise. we will not let him be around her. he lives in ct with his mom...until she kicks him out. we live in upstate ny. the one good thing is at least his parents are working together(hated each other for like the past 20 years but we r all in this together...good luck and god bless..
 
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