L
luminescent
Guest
I have so many physicals symptoms, but I can't be bothered to get into those right now. Basically, at this point, every problem I have, if I google it, I find that the answer truly is, "oh, it's because of anxiety."
But mentally, as you know, is where it's really at. Suicidal thoughts have a hard time staying out of my head. At 300mg of Wellbutrin, they tend to stay out, but that doesn't mean that I really feel much better. Wellbutrin is probably, however, increasing my anxiety even further, because I've had some pretty bad crashes lately. I tried Paxil at first, couldn't handle the side effects, moved onto Wellbutrin, and have as of a week ago added Lexapro to the mix. Unfortunately, my Wellbutrin has lapsed a bit thanks to insurance problems, and suicidal thinking has returned. Lexapro is going to take forever to see if it's even going to work, so here I am, stuck thinking like this for a few weeks at least.
I can't handle it. My current stress that's really setting off the thoughts is school. I'm used to being a straight A student in college, but last semester, I made two B+s due to basically being incapable of learning, and this semester, I've already failed my first two tests. And I don't fail tests. I thoroughly feel now that I am truly incapable of picking up new information and it's really going to be screwing me over in school. I'd LOVE to drop this semester and return when my head is straight again, but I'm absolutely relying on the financial aid that I'll be receiving to even live.
And no wonder why I'm incapable of learning, I can't even remeraber things that I know. I got in the shower once and forgot which knob is for the hot water. I forgot my boyfriend's first name, remerabered it 5 or 10 seconRAB later, then spent another 5 or 10 seconRAB thinking of his last name. I spent ALL day today trying to figure out the name of what I'm allergic to. It's vinyl... not exactly a word I've never heard of before. There are serious barriers in my thoughts and I'm being judged to the standarRAB of people who are thinking properly every day.
Doctors have run all sorts of blood tests, I got a second opinion, blah blah, they're thoroughly convinced that it's solely anxiety. But I'm truly falling apart here and getting worse by the day. This medication is going to take forever to work. I'm seeing a therapist, but there's only so much that can be done there. I'm honest and sincere when I say that I want to die, but I know that I absolutely cannot because I have a daughter and a serious boyfriend that I can't leave behind. If it weren't for those two, I honestly don't think I'd have come this far.
But here I am, and I can't take anymore of this. I know it's only going to go more downhill because that's all it's ever done. How do I keep getting through the days until hopefully this Lexapro kicks in and rescues me in a sweeping miracle?
But mentally, as you know, is where it's really at. Suicidal thoughts have a hard time staying out of my head. At 300mg of Wellbutrin, they tend to stay out, but that doesn't mean that I really feel much better. Wellbutrin is probably, however, increasing my anxiety even further, because I've had some pretty bad crashes lately. I tried Paxil at first, couldn't handle the side effects, moved onto Wellbutrin, and have as of a week ago added Lexapro to the mix. Unfortunately, my Wellbutrin has lapsed a bit thanks to insurance problems, and suicidal thinking has returned. Lexapro is going to take forever to see if it's even going to work, so here I am, stuck thinking like this for a few weeks at least.
I can't handle it. My current stress that's really setting off the thoughts is school. I'm used to being a straight A student in college, but last semester, I made two B+s due to basically being incapable of learning, and this semester, I've already failed my first two tests. And I don't fail tests. I thoroughly feel now that I am truly incapable of picking up new information and it's really going to be screwing me over in school. I'd LOVE to drop this semester and return when my head is straight again, but I'm absolutely relying on the financial aid that I'll be receiving to even live.
And no wonder why I'm incapable of learning, I can't even remeraber things that I know. I got in the shower once and forgot which knob is for the hot water. I forgot my boyfriend's first name, remerabered it 5 or 10 seconRAB later, then spent another 5 or 10 seconRAB thinking of his last name. I spent ALL day today trying to figure out the name of what I'm allergic to. It's vinyl... not exactly a word I've never heard of before. There are serious barriers in my thoughts and I'm being judged to the standarRAB of people who are thinking properly every day.
Doctors have run all sorts of blood tests, I got a second opinion, blah blah, they're thoroughly convinced that it's solely anxiety. But I'm truly falling apart here and getting worse by the day. This medication is going to take forever to work. I'm seeing a therapist, but there's only so much that can be done there. I'm honest and sincere when I say that I want to die, but I know that I absolutely cannot because I have a daughter and a serious boyfriend that I can't leave behind. If it weren't for those two, I honestly don't think I'd have come this far.
But here I am, and I can't take anymore of this. I know it's only going to go more downhill because that's all it's ever done. How do I keep getting through the days until hopefully this Lexapro kicks in and rescues me in a sweeping miracle?