My best friend came out as gay to me and now we've been arguing...?

D

Dare

New member
So I don't care if he's gay. You really can't tell at all, and it doesn't bother me, but I know literally nobody else in our town that won't care. So I honestly think that he should pretend to be straight, because if he tells anyone, he will not only be ridiculed, but physically hurt. I mean, he's a good fighter and I'd fight with him but believe me, the town is bad and it would be bad and I don't want to deal with it and once he stops keeping it secret, I know he'll regret it and wish he didn't have to deal with it either.

We're both about sixteen and both going to the same college which is in a much better place, so I think he should wait until then.

We have been arguing, however they have been very amusing arguments. I think it's a physical safety thing. He thinks I am just scared to get the crap beat out of me (he's my best friend so if people figured he was gay, I'm gay by association) but I just think it'd be a lot to deal with and he should harsh it out.

On top of getting his ass beat, his parents would for-sure kick him out, he'd end up living with me until my parents figured out, then he'd be somewhere on some street.

Any thoughts? I see only logic on my argument. His argument is that he wants to see what happens. I think curiosity killed the goddamned cat, but he hates that expression, so here we are, arguing. Thoughts, please.
 
dear friend, I do think your logical arguments hold merit. As you mention that you are fearful for his safety because of the reputation of your town. People might surprise you but it is taking a chance.
I like your idea to wait until college. He find more outlets to find other gay men.
I hope for the best for both of you. I wouldn't want to see either of you hurt.
 
I am going to think pretty logically here for the moment, which I tend not to do sometimes.

When he thinks about coming out, believe me, he knows the consequences, to every last detail. Whenever a gay person comes out, they know two things will happen, with two opposite results: hey come out, and everyone's okay with it (by okay, I don't mean necessarily accepting because they can be non-accepting but still respectful to him) or not okay with it from shutting the person out of their lives to down right verbal and physical assault, intimidation and in the very worst yet very rare cases death. He has thought and knows these options, from the youngest gay kid to the oldest gay person in a happy relationship, we know that some people in this world don't want us here and aren't afraid to act out against us. Showing this kid videos of gay bashing like others said, won't help what he already knows and has gotten enough to get over. I hope you see that your friend knows the consequences, but has decided to go for it anyway. That's big, a lot of gay people don't make that hurdle and stay closeted their whole lives living a giant, miserable lie. Others don't want to be miserable, they would rather deal with the bad stuff than live a long, lonely, unfulfilled life.

Now to your point (I see it, and I agree with you overall because it's more of the fact he will be homeless than assaulted in a manor), if the friend is willing to accept these consequences in a town you both know is highly unaccepting, then the angle that your coming from won't work. You need to focus more on the home-less part. You need to assure him that when his parents kick them out, because they will, you can't help him. Tell him your parents can't afford it. Tell him that he is risking not his body from beating, but the basic necessities of life: water, food, shelter. He will not be able to live, he will starve. Remind him it's freaking winter, it's getting cold. Tell him, he doesn't realize how good his setup is at home, he will lose it all, if that's how his parents really are. He is looking at a slow painful life. He will just be another homeless person, another statistic for the gay community. Tell him there is one solution: college.

His ass needs to wait for college, or at least a time where he can be self-supported. Maybe you to can room together, maybe that being in the back of his head as an option will help. He will have two options: one that is unpredictable and most probably very bad, or a known solution with a good happy result.

I think if you focus on these points, instead of mainly the town, he might snap to his senses. He might be thinking that coming out to a gay-hating society and be persecuted will make him a hero, but that happens all the daily.
 
He doesn't seem to be able to understand at the abstract level.

Show him videos of people getting gay bashed, or tell him about such events. Sounds like it's the only way he'll learn if not through experience.
 
he is 16 years old he is sick of hiding who he is, and not knowing if his friends are really his friends. I came out at 15 if he is anything like me he would rather die then spend anymore time pretending to be something he is not.
 
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