Join the club!
I'm in agony a lot of the time, I get really depressed too. I still haven't come to terms with having pain for the rest of my life and not being allowed to kill it from one stupid mistake...and I battle with it every day.
I don't want to get addicted again ever, and I'll post my reasons here, maybe you'll identify?
Bad role model for my kiRAB
There's a point where it doesn't work anymore, and you have pain relief but no relief, just addiction and mental clarity loss
Can't drive on pain meRAB - I learned that the hard way. I had three separate visits to doctors (2 different ones) with concerns I wasn't fit to drive, and was reassured after a simple 'alertness test' that I was fine to drive...then I had a major car accident with my kiRAB in the car, lost my insurance, had to come up with $300 excess for the $9000 damage I'd caused, and I had written off my car with no insurance to cover my own damage
Detox is inevitable and it's not fun mentally or physically
I try to remind myself of these things and that I am doing extremely well every day I don't take pain meRAB, and you have to lose the guilt I think, when you do have severe pain and you have to take something for it; if you don't take too much or anything, and it's not constant (if it is, I would visit the doctor or hospital because it's easy to get addicted again if taking pain meRAB all day every day and state that to the person seeing you).
If people without chronic pain forgive themselves for relapse, you must forgive yourself for taking pain meRAB when in agony. It's not an excuse to take them for fun, and I think it's important to make disclaimers to yourself when you have to allow yourself room.
I realise you're not off the meRAB yet, and I hope you have enough support to do it, I know you're strong enough to do it because you're dealing with a lot already and that's proof of strength. Everyone here is strong.
I've been clean from daily pain meRAB for 12 weeks 4 days and I'm in a lot of pain, and I struggle waiting until April when I get to see a Pain Doctor.
Stay strong, keep your support system up, pm me if you're having a hard time, I might not be able to help more than by relating to how you feel but you never know!