My 8th birthday, today.

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Something about myself: For some reason I tried to drink myself to death for about 27 years. It was like a self imposed torture that I had no control over. I also was not able to have a relationship with any woman for very long. I suppose they saw me drinking and that was that. The only person who gave me a chance was my wife. She stuck by me and tried to help me with my drinking problem and the way I just seemed to want to destroy everything once I was drunk. I would disappear for sometimes days on a bender.It seemed I just wanted to drink myself into oblivion. Finality I started to settle down and then my wife wanted to go. she eventually left me one Christmas day when her birth mother came and picked up all of her things. I did get very drunk a couple of times but I changed I didn't even want to drink anymore. I didn't care about living but didn't really want to die either. I found myself outside a job site sitting in the car crying uncontrollably. That is when I was first diagnosed with clinical depression. About 3 months later I had a complete breakdown. I was outside my ex wife's absolutely broken.

I was very lucky I had a good brother in Sydney and a loving sister in Brisbane who then took me in while I tried to recover. It was very difficult and I drank myself stupid a few more times until I could no longer do it again I was to my braking point. I rang my sister and told her I could no longer go on like this and the next day she took me to my first AA meeting. I have not been drunk for 8 years tomorrow. This I believe along with my family saved my life and turned me into a different person. I did go right through the steps with a sponsor and myself sponsored some other men in that first 3 years.

My biggest problem now is not the drinking or even quite as much the depression, But pain. I have been in chronic pain now for almost as long as I have been sober. It is now my demon not the liquor. I used to live my life in turmoil, now I have a lot more piece than I ever had and also the love of some of my extended family. This is sometimes all that keeps me going as the pain is very hard to live with.
But not as bad as the pain I felt as an alcoholic. This pain I have several doctors working to help me get through the worst of the pain. But I suppose It could never be as bad as when I through up every night before bed. And that was a horrible way to live.
I have also lost numerous frienRAB and mates who didn't make it through those years of abuse and even more recently had to become the father figure of my younger sister's son and daughter after their father committed suicide. His life was unorthodox as he was a dope grower and isolated in the country area 4 hours from here. He had mistreated a young girl who's parents left her with him while they got drunk. He was facing a long prison sentence but after his mate got him out on bail he gassed himself in his car. The police had turned him out when he life was threatened seriously by the now concerned father of the young girl. He took his own life rather than face his family and or the years in prison.

I have done what I can for my family and as I love his children like my own they are a big part of my life now. It helps me to know I am needed and loved. It gets me through the pain often when I feel like giving up.

That's about covered that for tonight. But my 8 year birthday means a lot to me now today.

Allan
 
Sorry not much of a dancer. I suffer from chronic pain! I'll just remeraber when I could. Allan
 
i suffer from chronic pain too... migraines and lower back (im only 35)... so i totally get'cha! good that your are taking those pills as dr orders. my mistake was taking them NOT as ordered, and that is a slippery slope. And one you dont want to go down after such a rockin' accomplishment. 8 years! so cool! you must feel pretty happy about that! such an inspiration to all who read.
thanks for posting your story and good luck with the pain issues.
not sure if im allowed to say this on the board, but i use to take a non narcotic for nerve pain, neurontin... it practically saved my life at one paint and let me ease off the narcs. gained a bit of weight and it does have some other side effects, but i thought it was a good drug for nerve pain, if u have that.
anyhow- just sharing.
im kicking the very start of day 4. im wired. took 2 somas, 3.5 ativans and a lunesta (trust me y'all... it takes A LOT to get to me to go sleep. i have awful sleep habits... and an anxiety disorder which is treated thru a Dr. with effexor..... this isn't to find a high, it's truly to try and let me sleep through the leg/ stomach cramps of the night)... i hope to get sleepy soon.
ANYHOW - i started rarabling about me and this is about you and your bday. A sincere congrats to that!!! all the best! yay!!
 
Thanks Wendy, it does take a big leep to get here. I basically had to change my whole life. But the chronic pain has also changed me. I do get nerve pain but couldn't afford the Lyrica the surgeon gave me. I only used it for a month but nothing changed. I really need the surgery so will have to wait until Noveraber for that. A double fusion lower back surgery on L4-L5 L5-S1. I hope you are doing ok and I will maybe see you about here again. Allan
 
just want to say congrats on the birthday. i'm still struggling with addiction. mine is to prescription meRAB. i hope someday, i'll have my 8th sober birthday!! keep ur head up!!
 
good luck with that surgery. my mother had a fusion surgery and it worked wonders for her...this was years and years ago. so, you know... there may be an end in sight for this pain. mine can't be fixed surgically... i have to go to the gym and build my core more to give my back support.
much luck! i use to go to the back issues message board for support and ideas... dont know if you've ever stopped by there.
:)
 
Thank you for your wishes, I also hope to see you here again as it is so wonderful to be out of that world of fear, I now take narcotic medication but I feel I depend on them but don't believe I am addicted to them. I know a lot of people would say it is the same thing but I do not abuse the medication, I only take what my doctor tells me. And I am too aware of what that life is like. I am so much better for having stopped drinking but I also stopped smoking as well. Since then I have only ever had one cigarette at my mates funeral. I am so much healthier and can breath much better also. It makes a huge difference in your life. I will never go back. I know I will always be an alcoholic but if I never have one I can't get drunk. Good luck to you, and If you ever need to talk to someone just message me and I will do my best to help. Allan
 
Hey Allen,

I just saw this post of yours and HAD to drop in and say congrats my friend!! I am so happy for you and your sisters kiRAB are very lucky to have you in their lives. I'm going to get in the kitchen right now and start baking your birthday cake.... do you want chocolate????

Much love,

Bullymom:wave:
 
thank you for that share allen,lts of feeling came up for me when i read it. first let me say thank you-for taking on those kiRAB, my step dad saved ours lives as my my drank herself to death. he never had to help 4 kiRAB that were not his but he busted his butt to make sure we knew he loved us. drinking killed him in the end but i hasd 20 great years with the coolest guy i have ever met. i have been in recovery 15 years anRAB stayed sober 90% of the time, and im ok with that today. i started having sever chronic pain 7 years ago, and your right its so much better then walking around all day with back pain then walking around all day on the verge of throwing up or shaking from drinking all day and trying to hide it from those who-love me.
my BF just had major surgery on L4 and L5, 4 months now and he has his life back. his doctor told him that he would not preform the surgery until he lost 40 pounRAB because his fat gut would never let him really heal, every pound pulling on his back would make it worse. to much pain to excersise so he just cut his food in half and now not only is he almost pain free but he looks like he did n collage!
good luck and keep us updated!
oxox,
der
 
Thanks all of you guys, I do love those kiRAB like they are my own and it makes my life feel like I am worth something. I had many years of self pity but now I try to help the ones who love me. They have had a rough time with there dad and when they really needed him he got himself in a lot of trouble and while out on bail he killed himself. I can't take his place but I will be their uncle. and now great uncle. I just hope I really have done the right thing concerning their dad's property but really all I can do is pass on their feelings to the solicitor and be here for them. I might just need them soon so I am sure they will do what they can to help me even when I am so used to being self sufficient, Part of love is excepting their offers of help as well and not be to proud and enjoy the appreciation they return to me. I often get calls when there are little emergencies and I try not to ever say no as that could be the time when they need me the most and just haven't told me fully so I watch out for when they are distressed, or just wanting to talk to me. I love them very much and hope I can live up to their expectations. Now I don't drink I don't let people down like I used to every other day.
Being 8 years sober comes with some responsibilities, no busting or feeling sorry for myself, but still not hurt myself in the process. My back pain dominates how much I can do but I am always contactable and will go if it is important. It all make ones life feel worth while. So try it some time help someone without expectations of payback or conditions, it makes for a wonderful warm feeling inside.
Allan
 
Allan,

Happy 8th birthday! What an amazing accomplishment. Your story was very inspiring - thank you for sharing :)

All the best to you,
emsmom
 
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