Mother hates my boyfriend - I'm tired of arguing. Are her values messed up?

[citygirl]

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. We were best friends all through college and started going out during our senior year. His parents are wonderful and always welcome me into their home, but I hate that he has to feel so awkward and unwelcome on the rare occasion that he visits me at home.

Just for starters - I used to chat with my boyfriend on Gmail (and they saved). Since I had saved my password (I had been receiving e-mails about a relative and thought that it would just be easier for my mom to check on the situation if the password was saved), she was able to get into my e-mail, and actually WENT THROUGH my messages with him. She completely misinterpreted one of the conversations, and wrongly accused me of sleeping with him. Now, I don't pass judgment on anyone who does that, but I wouldn't have sex before marriage. It's just my preference, but she insists that I did, and in the meantime, couldn't care less that she violated my privacy.

We have a huge argument about him at least once every 2-3 months, and I'm so tired of it. She says he's too cheap, and that I "would never get a car out of this relationship" (she dated someone a few years back who ended up buying her a car, and always brings up finances when she talks about dating). I'm sick of her trying to impose her "take the money" perspective on me, and then saying that my boyfriend is no good for me because he's "cheap."

I'm currently saving up to get a new car and eventually move out, but in the mean time, how should I deal with this? I've tried everything, but she refuses to listen to me and says that "I'll learn when it's too late." My boyfriend is brilliant, teaches high school kids, has been driving down (quite a distance, I might add) to pick me up because my car is basically useless, and is very thoughtful among other things. I can tell him anything and never worry about him judging me. Why can she not understand this?!

Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Invisigoth]

1. Granted, you are correct that she violated your privacy but YOU gave her your password. You have lived with your mom for your entire life. you already know she's the type to take a mile when you give her an inch. this isn't some out of character behavior on her part. She's a snoop and you practically gave her permission to snoop. NEVER place someone in the path of temptation if you don't want them to do something. Don't give a theif your account numbers and you don't give a snoop the oppurtunity to snoop.

2. just stop arguing with your mother about the BF. Tell her once, "you read something that was none of your business. you read it out of context and misunderstood the meaning. I am an adult and how I choose to live my life is my concern not yours. I'm saddened that you don't believe me when I tell you that you misunderstood. I thought you knew me better than that. This subject is now closed. I will not discuss it with you any more and I will not tolerate you bad mouthing him because of your mistake." then change the subject whenever she brings it up or leave the room or hang up the phone or leave the house or escort her off of your property if she won't stop.

3. acknowledge who your mother really is, not wish for her to be someone else. Once you are able to see her as she really is then you can modify your relationship with her so that you don't discuss certain things with her or you don't place her in a situation where she can snoop on you again.

Good Luck.

edit:
FWIW: my mom hated almost EVERYONE I dated. There was always something "wrong" with them--they weren't good looking enough, they were too good looking for me, they weren't rich enough (we weren't rich), they were the wrong race (my father isn't lily white), the wrong religion (we didn't even practice & I'm agnostic), she didn't like their jobs--it never mattered how they treated me, or how they felt about me or how I felt about them--she had an image she wanted to project to the public & I & my eclectic taste in men just drove her batty.

I stopped worrying about whether or not she liked anyone. I found the more she hated the guy I was with, the better he actually was for me. The more she liked a guy I was with, the more likely I was going to be seriously hurt in some way, shape or form by that guy.