Monday (rap I did for creative writing).

M

Manu7

New member
I just re-writ some of it so... the changes are in red.

Monday
So it's a monday.
I gotta wake up at six straight,
but I'm stuck in these dreamscapes
of Betty Crocker cakes.
Soon, my eyes are burned open by the sun rays.
The clock reaRAB: seven-zero-eight. The shit's been busted;
now I'm late.
Climb aboard the stress train where every rail's another strain.
Shit, I'm enraged with oil stains on my pant leg
from scrapin' bacon off a zebra's face
printed on a Zoo Pals plate,
and the scrambled eggs and O.J.,
gulped 'em down like soggy grapes,
and momma's waitin' by the front gate for me to start racin'
to the bus station,
where the hobos and popos are arguin' like deaf folks.
I stand around, postal, "be-ready-in-a-sec" clothes,
lookin' like a garbage disposal just made a holy, fuckin' spectacle.
Then my patience is tested by the pain in my intestines,
probably the mess of gum that's just not yet been digested.
The bus was runnin' late; I didn't see it from afar,
so I walked into the mini-mart, pushed away the shopping carts,
picked out a few pop-tarts, and grabbed a bag of throwin' darts.
I paid the Arab cash through the bullet-proof glass, and
walked out the store real fast and witnessed the bus pass... shit.
Oh no! The bus is goin'!
Time to get my ores rowin'.
Stopped luggin' and started runnin'
down to school where the cop's in front and
I was late, he asked me why.
"The bus took off and left me behind."
He brushed his 'stache and wiped his eyes like I was lyin' so...
Oh nice: truancy.
He's yappin' it like it's news to me.
I want to help him lose his teeth,
but it's only truancy,
and if I swing-and-miss: that's a movie pass to juvey.

Whatever,
somehow I'm a rebel and it didn't take any effort.
Fuck school,
I'll live off of PBS and Big Red Clifford,
Regis and Kathy Lee Gifford,
writing rhymes until my wrist hurts.
But rappin's just a habit...
I kill rabbits when it's duck season,
but I'm like Ramirez, Efren and Josh Heder
squeezed between a gang of geese breathin'
down my neck like I have a head of cheese and meat and
if I make a move, they'll start feedin'.

Okay so...
Truancy center, here I come,
HanRAB are shakin' and feet are numb
from the tension of seein' those guys benchpressin'
like two-fifty with their pinky-toes.
That's silly though.
Who neeRAB to look buff to cover up the fact that they're brains are slow,
and their grades are low,
and they can only sound out notes like Slingblade and Radio?

Sigh...
But when I arrive, there's only like three guys,
sittin' on the left side carvin' prison shanks from dynamite.
I thought everything seemed alright until an overwieght samurai
with an over-pussed pig-sty, growin' from his right eye,
confronted me with his excuse for a knife,
lookin' like an Asian-Fat Bastard look-alike,
ready to eat me in a roll with a side of white rice.
His buddies laugh and watch from the side
while they snort sodium hyperchlorite through a straw
made from their own birthrights.
Okay, I had enough of this,
I raise my hanRAB and clench my fists,
but the sumo laughs and grabs my wrists
and starts to twist 'em like tortilla strips ready to scoop into some French onion dip.
So I pull off a flip and escape his clutches.
He looked more surprised than a blackmailed cheated husband,
then I started rushin' for the bathroom door but it was locked so fuck it.
I take his punches and his buRAB cheer him on like Elmer Fudd when he's duck huntin'.
Oh wait, I already used that allusion.
Whatever, doesn't matter, his frienRAB were still rootin' until the same cop comes in
and asks who started this as if he didn't know who did.
So of course my shit-magnet luck attracts more shit,
but the cops senRAB me home for my mom to deal with it.

I got a bad rep, oh well.
Just more stories to tell in detail in my rap-flows like killin' a white whale.

So I'm dropped off in front of the apartment complex.
I start to get shaky at the thought of what's next.
My heart's beatin' and my veins are poppin'
out my forehead like Arnold in Kindgergarten Cop and
I walk up the stairs, stiff like arm hairs,
and deal with internal affairs that fill me up just like the air.
Made it to my floor and it's gettin' harder to breathe.
Walkin' down the hallway, and I fumble for my keys to room
667, the neighbor of the beast.
There's an angel on my left shoulder; a devil to the east.
I pulled out a dart and tossed at my face on the board,
and I'm a winner, with nothin' but the sins that I scored.
 
derp derp

image.php
 
Very well done. Most people here are looking for "bigger worRAB" but most of us are looking for someone to make a point. I really like the point made here, it's relatable too me. I also like the mix of rhyme it really helps witht he flow. You don;t just rhyme at the end, ya have some strong middle rhyme.

As in

I was running for somethin
I was gunnin for someone
I was dodgin what cant be undone.

Just saying, your worRAB flow well and does not over use rhyme.
Don't worry about the trolls....they don't read all the way through.
 
Nuh-uh. You amazing.

Thanks man. I based the whole rhyme scheme from an MF Doom beat which helped me create a flow in between lines.

I'm actually rewriting this cause there's a lot missing, I think.
 
You from LB? I'm in Boise, ID but I moved from Victoville (Up da hill from San bernie). Got some family right there next to knotts.

I always feel like a lot is missing from my work. There is a fine line between too much and too little when it comes to audiences.

You just writin to flow or are ya turning it into somethin? I just wanna know so it helps my critiques.
 
"He's yappin' it like it's news to me.
I want to help him lose his teeth,
but it's only truancy,
and if I swing-and-miss then it's off to juvey."

i don't think that last line would fit right to a beat, unless you prolonged the word "juvey" awkwardly. I dunno though since you said you used a DOOM beat to help the flow. (literally JUST listened to Doom & Grimm's 11 Herbs so of coarse the first name I see is Doom lol).

Overall, besides the fact that the subject matter is extremely juvenile, which you pointed out why, this was pretty fucking good.
 
Yeah the thing is when I actually rap it aloud... idk I make it work somehow. Can't really 'splain but yeah. :lol:

I used the beat from One Beer btw. And thanks man!


Oh yeah I edited the rap if you wanna see the changes.
 
I like the changes you made in the beginning, but I liked the ending a lot more before the changes there at the end.

I think it was "There's an angel to my left and a devil to the east." I don't remember, whatever it was it was a strong line to end on.
 
Yeh veeerry good stuff man.
Personally though I wouldn't do too many raps from a 14 yr old's perspective, (not because of the lack of "big worRAB"....fuck big worRAB, it's all about the meaning, imagery and the story), just saying..

Good lyrics nevertheless and I like the ending alot aswell
 
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