Misanthropy, depression, and self esteem, or, Why I fail at life.

I

*Isabella*

New member
Ok, so this is going to be negative, most likely tl;dr, and possibly a bit :emo: so I apologize in advance. you've been warned.

Some of you may have noticed that all the threads I have started in the last several months (few as they may be) have been fairly depressing or angry. This reflects my general mood lately. I was pondering my negativity at the bar tonight, and getting myself even more depressed, and felt that I needed to write some of my thoughts down. That is the purpose of this post, so here goes.

There's nothing wrong with my life. I live on a beautiful tropical island, I have a steady job, I've got a great family, who love me, and would do anything for me, And yet I feel totally unfulfilled. I work hard, every week day, 7 to 2, with my father. He pays me better than any of his previous employees, not because I'm his son, but because I'm clever, work hard, and don't break his tools. In the afternoon, I pursue my passion: working with computers. When I can get the work, I spend my afternoons doing repairs and general troubleshooting. On saturday nights, I make 180 dollars MCing the local karaoke show.

Even with all this income, I find myself living from paycheck to paycheck. I blow all my money on alcohol, weed, and gadgets purchased online. I think this is in an attempt to make myself happy, but it rarely works. I only go out every night because I'm lonely, But I find no solace in the bars. Even though I usually know everyone there, I never talk to anyone, and they don't talk to me. This is probably because my negativity drives people away, and after a while, they just don't feel like trying anymore.

Also, I suck at small talk. I've always been shy, and find social interaction tedious and difficult. Furthermore, I usually find the drivel that most people ramble on about petty and boring. I can never come up with anything relevant to add to the conversation. I usually find it hard to even pay attention. Most of the people I meet bore me, or piss me off within the first five minutes.

For example, tonight, a woman tried to strike up a conversation with me. She was nice, attractive enough, for an older woman, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. I was already depressed, which may have contributed to it, but I really couldn't come up with much to say to her. Not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. Nothing came into my head. It's like my brain, which is usually abuzz with all kinds of thoughts and ideas, just malfunctions when anyone talks to me. Within five minutes, she was put off, and went to talk to someone else.

Now, that's rare to begin with, because women never talk to me. Maybe I appear scary, or dangerous, or maybe I'm just ugly. I don't know. I think people can see how upset and depressed I am all the time, and don't want me to bring them down. Or I could just be incredibly boring.

So basically, I'm feeling pretty fed up with the world lately. I'm no stranger to these feelings, but over the past year or so, they have intensified alot. A year ago, when I joined this site, I even had a girlfriend. She was very nice, had enormous tits, and loved me to pieces. I dumped her because I was completely unhappy, and somehow thought it was her fault.

The reality is, I'm 28, and I feel like I have absolutely nothing to show for my life. I have no property, no savings.... The only thing I have of value is my car, and it's all fucked up because I didn't give some crackhead a dollar one night. I dropped out of college, I've wrecked every good relationship I've ever had, and every time things are going well, I sabotage myself, and watch it all go to hell.

All the things I used to enjoy doing have lost their joy. I don't go snorkeling, or mountain biking, or boogie boarding anymore... I've let my body go to shit.

I just don't know what I'm missing. Some of the time I'm happy, but those moments are brief and uncommon. I feel lost, and I don't know what I can do to get better. I've gotten my personal hygiene under control, finally, but my apartment is trashed, because I just don't care enough to get up and do anything about it.

Ok, that's all for now. There's alot more shit going through my head, but this post is getting way too long. To those of you who read this far, thank you.

/venting
 
Dude this does sound emo. You are feeling sorry for yourself way too much. You hate being alone, yet you hate talking to people. There is no advice I can give you other than sprout one, stop feeling sorry for yourself and learn to be sociable.
 
Unlike some people, I do understand what you're going through steelasp. The only "cure" is to find joy within yourself. You have to work it out inside, before you can let it out. I suggest reading a lot, thinking a lot, maybe you should try Lucid Dreaming (google it), writing some poetry, listening to different kinds of music, working your mind, and your spirit. Talking to people helps, but often it feels empty, like you're just wasting time together. Without inner joy and acceptance of who and what you are, you'll never Really be happy.

On the plus side, and I consider this a big fucking plus, you seem to be one of the few people REALLY capable of understanding what I'm saying. Being able to move beyond the shallow realm most people live in, and really delve into yourself, if you figure it out, will make you much happier than most people will ever know. I don't give a fuck what other people think, this world is fucking hard, mean, and evil. That doesn't mean you have to be miserable, because when you find out what you're all about, and accept it, you'll be able to have a safe place to be whenever you need it, within yourself.

I'm not talking religion, though I am talking about inner peace/spirituality. You're not alone. If you want to talk, really talk, PM me. I don't usually bother because so many people are so shallow it's not worth the time to type. Good luck. Look inside, that's where your answers lie.
 
I know how you feel, steel. I really, honestly do.

You (and I) seem stuck and unable to go anywhere. Your ambition and motivation (if you ever even HAD any (I sure haven't, lol)) is gone and you just don't know what to do with your life at this point. I'm there.

I was talking with my best friend not too long ago. She was telling me why her life sucks right now. I found myself telling her that everything was going to be alright; that things get better because they have to. Then, I realized that I've been telling myself and others the exact same thing for YEARS. Then I realized that it's not going to happen. Life is a filthy, dirty bitch.

The only fucking thing that even keeps me alive (because nothing in my life is REALLY significant) is appreciating the small things that make me smile throughout the day. The fucking scenery is one of the main ones for me. The skies, cloud formations, colors, plants, smells, stars, mountains, etc. You live on a tropical island, dude. What I wouldn't give...

Just realize what your little things are, and do your best to make them happen more often. If sunsets make you happy, then make it a point to take the time out of your day to watch them. It really, REALLY helps.

Another thing is to find something that really ignites passion within you. A talent of sorts. Whether it be drawing, writing, or even bowling. Something that you're good at and enjoy thoroughly, and DO IT. You kind of have to make your own life worth living. If you don't have one, then find one.

As far as people go, JLXC is right. You can't depend on others to make you happy, it has to come from within you. I have invested so much of myself and of my love into other people and been disappointed EVERY fucking time. People fucking suck and there is no getting around that. In fact, they usually do the exact opposite of making one happy. Learn to be satisfied with one or two close friends that you can converse with comfortably and trust. They're VERY hard to find, but you will avoid much pain.

Sure, relationships are nice to have. It's nice to have someone to fall asleep next to and kiss. The pain that you experience when it's over, however, is shitty. Not even worth a real effort on my part, right now.

I figure that I will only truly be happy with another person when I am happy with myself. Working on that is a goal that will make your life valuable.

It's fucking hard to do, I know. It doesn't and won't just happen overnight. It takes much dedication and years of struggle to make it happen. I've been working on it for fucking YEARS. It's also not something that should be taken with flippancy. It's fucking IMPORTANT. The quality of your life is and should be a top priority. Other wise, what's the fucking point? Ya know?

Good luck, feel better. :happysad:
 
Ya know I have been there done that as well. Self pity is a horrible thing. It will never stop. All you can do is take it day by day. Each day do something different. Instead of going to a bar get out the bike. Go to that place on your island you always wanted to go but didn't. Happiness is easy for some hard for others. For me it is hard a lot of times. Lay off the pot for a few days and you may get some motivation. Your growing older and wonder wtf happened. Life is what happened and life can be so shitty sometimes. Just try your best to change your routines you sound a little bored with them.Try smiling a few times a day it may make you feel better. Sounds gay I know but it works. Happiness just doesn't occur out of no where you have to go out and grab it for yourself.
 
If I were you, I'd go back out with the girl who loved you to pieces and had enormous tits. Play with those funbags some more this time and you may be happier. I would be!
 
I think your problem is your motivation. You should realize that nobody can make you happy but you, so get up, get your ass back into shape, and do something different. You're obviously in a rut, and there's nothing wrong with that but you're the only one who can get yourself out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself and making pity threads isn't going to solve your problem, only help you wallow in it.

So you need to try something against your normal routine. Start going to the gym a few days a week. Stop going to the bar. Something different, out of the norm.
 
Take it from me: Don't self pity. EVER.

You'll go straight to hell.

When you have thoughts of how worthless and weak you are. Contradict them.

It doesn't matter if you are feel like lying to yourself, as long as they aren't too outlandish you will eventually convince yourself you can do all this stuff.

You should also go to a doctor and get checked for bipolar disorder, clinical depression, and Aspergers.

Seriously bro, there are times when I read your posts and feel like I am looking at former self in the mirror.
 
..And if that doesn't make you more depressed, I don't know what will!

Kidding, of course Descent...

Anyways, someone else said it best and what I thought when reading your post. You are in a rut, simple as that. You need something to get you out of it, otherwise you will forever be stuck in this rut, you need to find something that really interests you so you can fight to stick at it, and hopefully that will help.

I hope you can figure it out soon enough, because I've been in a rut a few times before, and I never liked it.
 
Thank you all, for your advice, everyone.
In response:

TFO: thank you Captain obvious! Once again, you have skillfully pointed out what was already known!
But really, thanks for reading and responding. Duly noted.

JL: I expected that you might understand what I'm talking about. We're both alot smarter than most of the people around us realize, but unfortunately, I think intelligence often leads to depression and/or boredom with the limitations of the world around us. I know about lucid dreaming, but have never been able to achieve it. I've also experimented with meditation, mind altering drugs, and astral projection, all with limited to no luck. I may take you up on that and PM you later.

mdot: I think maybe we both need to lay off the pot for a while and see where we really are in life. I don't buy into any of that "dope makes you throw your life away" crap, but it certainly doesn't help. I find when I don't smoke for a few days, I feel alot more motivated, and get alot of shit done. I also find myself even less satisfied with my life. But that could be the motivation needed to implement change. I smoke mostly to calm my mind, but sometimes I do it just to take the edge off of the feelings of uselessness, but while this makes me feel a little better for a while, it doesn't cure anything.(except glaucoma, athsma, headaches, nausea, none of which are my problems) Thanks for reading, and for the good advice.

ruserious: Once again, thanks for the advice. The problem is, I've been everywhere and done everything there is on this island(except hard drugs, but, enh... no thank you.). I think I may need a change of scenery, but I feel a bit stuck here, with all the shit I'd have to deal with to get out, and trying to save up enough money to make it happen... It just feels impossible alot of the time.

Premier: She left the island shortly after I dumped her. Also, she was dumb as a rock, and stupid people annoy me to no end.

Unspun: The glorious return of Captain Obvious!!
There is no gym here for one thing. And if my problem is lack of motivation, where do I find the motivation to get myself motivated??

Descent: Lying to myself is one of my worst traits already. And if I remind you of you without medication..... yeah, I think I'll pass on the medication.

Anyway, just getting it all typed out helped a lot, and I feel better already. I know this was something of a pity party, but hey, you all bought into it and replied. So thanks. You guys all rock for trying to help, and a few of you really did help.
 
You have to really want a change in your life, and not just be bitching about it. I'm sorry, obviously I didn't know you don't have a gym. It was just an example of something you could do. You said you let yourself go. Try running in the mornings then. (exercise can be very therapeutic, and can generally help that motivation come back)
 
Never! ;)



I've tried going without pot, so that motivation might magically spring into my very being. It didn't happen. In fact, what happened, is I became more depressed with nothing to take the edge off. I was moody and angry. Pot makes me smile. :D
 
Well in some people's cases (read: High IQ) more exercise of the Mind will help motivate. I understand that for most people exercise is the answer, and shallow dating, and having babies, and ... I don't want to go off on a rant here.

Even stuck on an Island, you can exercise the most important muscle, your brain. Finding ways to do this is the hardest part. For me it's using my imagination, usually role-playing, writing, reading, etc. Stretching my mental muscle fills the void that exists when you look at life with too much intelligence. I would suggest against therapy for a wide variety of reasons, but to each their own. Pot only kills motivation in that it allows one to accept how fucked up things are for a time, and eventually it catches up, and of course, I'm only referring to continual use.

Finding ways to let your intelligence focus on things other than reality, as it is, allows one some inner peace. It works for the all people I know afflicted with too much intelligence. Good luck again steelasp. :thumbsup:
 
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