Interesting. Over the years I've done a few different things and I've listened to so many talks and lectures and I've done Yoga and such and after awhile it's like I maybe think I have a good grasp of such things...but then I come back to my senses and better judgement to realize once again that I totally don't know anything really
. Listening to talks sometimes quiets my mind when it's very busy sometimes and there are tons of little short ones now with The Internet and youtube and such things so just clicking a mouse gets this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLrMVous0Ac&feature=related for example. Like a mini vacation from the chatter?
What really blew me away a few weeks ago was when a young woman I know who is a Nurse told me she was going away to do a 10 Day Silent Meditation Retreat. What? Ten Days? I could not believe anyone would subject themselves to such a thing...
But as you asked this question and you are going through something...well, maybe that's the type of intense thing you might be ready for, if you are really passionate about this question and really want to take the time to explore it in an extreme manner.
I've heard good things about these 10 day things, and there are interviews online with people who have done it, but right now it's not something for me.
I have a very busy mind and I've come to enjoy this, using various means to keep it from getting me into trouble, while driving for example...and these days I'm writing a book, so it helps to have the creative thing raging for that.
Anyway, I'm more just getting inspiration from your question than I am answering it I suppose...so thank you. When I first started meditation and Yoga an instructor guided me to "be with" various sensations in my body as a focus or distraction or job for my mind, then just listening to my own breath and "looking" at the universe, or whatever.
It's not so much about strict rules really, is it? Maybe your mind has some serious stuff it needs to work out, and maybe you just need to reassure yourself, or trust in yourself, that you'll get those concerns done and that it's ok to really take a break.
Sometimes dreams are about unfinished business, or things we did not say or do, or deep desires or needs...so mediation can be interupted like getting an urgent phone call from the brain.
Sometimes if there is nothing on your mind it can mean you need to find more passions or interests, maybe? Sometimes a busy mind is a very cool thing. Take a run, a swim, a bike ride, sing, dance, play a drum, howl at the moon...sometimes sitting and being quiet just ain't the thing ya wanna do so take a clue and come unglued and be shrewd, lewd, blued, or tattooed for a change...or just do Yoga and get into the various positions and moves giving yoursefl something to "do" other than think.
And, Duh!, oh yeah...the question;
How do you see the self you are so used to being?
I see it as sort of flexible depending upon the life situation, occasion, need, who I'm with, etc., as a conglomeration of many things added up...that's my "self"...the me that shows up in all these ways...shy, outgoing, funny, asleep, creative, dull, radical...and it's sort of a sense of who I am that is not easy to hold in my mind at one time, and sometimes it's something out of my control...like one day years ago when I was just standing with some guys and I heard something in the distance...it was like my body just started running like hell in the direction of this noise, and the guys just thought I was nuts...but there was a six year old boy hanging by his fingers from the ledge of a second story window of a house down the road, across a bridge, and through some trees...it was amazing even to me...I climbed up on top of a car and convinced him to let go and I caught him...and he was ok...but to this day I don't really know "the self" that did that thing...it was really "beyond me". So my simple long winded rambling answer today is....
don't look for a difinitive limited box to put your "self" in and consider it maybe a mysterious amazing awesome thing you continue to get to know.
How's them apples?
Bliss.
