Meditations on Toilets

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Pull My Finger

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I fucking hate squat toilets. There is an art to these things that I have just not mastered. Sure, the squatting part is easy, but the not pissing and shitting all over your pants is where it gets tricky. So far, I seem to be able to manage only if I'm wearing shorts or if I just remove my pants completely. And even then, what do I do with my pants? Do I drape 'em over my shoulder, like some rejected Ralph Lauren model who couldn't figure out the difference between his pastel sweater and his slacks? Do I hold 'em up in the air until my arm gets tired and let them just fall to the always-dirty floor? Why am I even taking off my pants in a public bathroom anyway?

Assuming I've gotten past this part, there's the awkward squat position one must assume. I've been blessed with ankles that allow me to be flat footed on these things but woe be to him (or her) who has to chill on the balls of their feet. One toilet I visited had a pull-up bar across the stall, which, while handy to hold on to, also sat there happily as I walked into it not once but twice.

Now let's hope (against hope) that you've made it through this ridiculous procedure, you're treated to: a bucket full of water. None of these places have toilet paper, so unless you brought your own, you're shit out of luck (ha ha). Me? I have to cowboy up and, y'know, do what I have to do. Fucking disgusting. Assuming you use water to douse your ass, how do you then dry off? Do you walk around with a wet spot there all day? Then you have to flush these goddamn things by pouring water from the bucket into the toilet, and it never flushes completely. One time, after having to be very hands-on with my personal cleaning, I step outside and there was no soap and none of the faucets worked. Some of them had cobwebs on them from lack of use. Great!

Fuck you, squat toilets. American Standard, my ass. Call me back when you've got a heated, plush seat with shag carpeting and soothing music.
 
Wow. We are ridiculously spoiled in the U.S. What the fuck is a "squat toilet?" I have never heard of that.

If I'm in a public restroom, I either use the santiary disposable seat covers that are provided or put toilet paper down all over the seat. My ass is NOT coming into contact with anything that 300 other people have had THEIR ass on...no thank you. I won't even touch the faucet handles in a public bathroom. I use paper towels to turn them on and off. I touch literally NOTHING in a public restroom.

If I am at ALL able to hold it...I'm waiting until I get home!
 
Umm.. what is a "squat toilet" exactly? I have never seen or used one in my life, and by the sound of it i never want to either. I myself only use the restrooms in my house or someone I know's house. If I do go in a public place, I put toilet paper on the seat, I advise you strongly to do the same, instead of going through that crazy procedure system. :D
 
Hahah damn right. I hate people who thrust into the urinal. It makes me wonder just how much piss they're getting on them. Even when I stand back from the urinal you can feel the "piss-mist" coming back at you. Once everyone is gone I get back a bit further ;)
 
where do you live, the middle east? I think thats the only culture i know of that uses squat toilets.

For those that dont know, the squat toilet is just a hole in the groung that kinda looks like a bedpan, its connected to a pipe and goes outstide, or goes straight down into a well.

I dont know about you... but ive been pretty resourseful when it has come to shitting. i've had to shit on the side of the road in iraq, or sometimes i just didnt have access to a shitter. This is all one reason im sure to be wearing socks, or carrying a hankercheif with me. Socks will give you a good wipe... and i mean to me thats better than having shit on your hands, or getting the worm butt.

if the only thing you have in your area are squat toilets... be sure to impliment the use of the environment around you. Also carry some of that hand sanitizer crap.

Where are you from anyway?
 
toilet-squat-2-large.jpg
That's a squat toilet

Seems kinda silly to me, looks like it uses the same amount of porcelin that is used in toilets in the US. Who the fuck would actually use something that uncomfortable...?

I only use toilets in relatively clean houses or in a hotel because I'm a clean freak like that.
 
If I saw one of those things when I walked into a bathroom, I would immediatley turn around and leave. I would hold it rather then having to squat own like that to take a shit in the in-ground urinal type thing.:D
 
buaaahahahaha where is swid when you need her. she must hate this thread.

my friend went to japan about a year or so ago and he had a picture of a smaller squat toilet than the picture above. i always assumed the sucked, but dear lord that really sucks! i'd honestly have to bring my own toilet paper around. i have a to pay for toilet paper before i could use the bathroom in Cost Rica. However, in the bars there you want to squat anyways, and yes they were real toilets, but drunk its hard to do. i'm thankful here was toilet paper too. wow, we are spoiled here in the US.
 
That has got to be one of the nicest squat toilets I've ever seen in my life. Look! The tile floor is clean! The light is working! It can flush! I'm stunned - STUNNED - to see that there is actual, real-life toilet paper there. Oh, it doesn't matter anyway: you see that bin over the toilet? Yeah, that's where the used TP goes, because the archaic plumbing can't handle it. Otherwise, it's a pretty solid representation.

One thing the picture does not show is the confounding hose apparatus. It's similar to those hoses on sinks that you can pull out and spray your dishes with, but apparently you're supposed to point it at your ass. Sounds great! And now, assuming you haven't gotten water everywhere (you probably have; the bathrooms have tiled floors and raised door stoops for a reason), you have to dry off with...what? There's nothing there. Good luck with that.

Anytime you find yourself thinking about using one of these hell-spawned shitpits (literally), don't walk, don't run, but do that hobbling thing people do when they need to crap really bad to the nearest building advertising a western style toilet.
 
Yeah, that's a shitty moment. When you sit down, do your business, look around and you see no toilet paper.

That's when I have to improvise and walk around with no socks the rest of the day. You do the math.
 
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