Marriage?

Other than hearing that someone you knew and cared about has died, this has got to be one of the worst things to ever have to hear because it turns your whole world upside down, completely preoccupies your every thought and has you questioning everything.

In my experience, once someone has made up their mind they very rarely change it back and there are usually signs or markers along the way, it's not often out of the blue, though it probably seems that way to you.

And I hope you don't mind me saying this, but in the same way it takes two people to make a relationship work, it also takes two people to make it fail so you are both responsible, not just you and not just her.

You are not a failure nor a bad person, things change because people change and relationships are an ongoing project, they don't just succeed because you've got married, it is not an end point.

You have nothing to lose by engaging in marriage counselling, if your wife is willing, otherwise you will have to focus your energies on what happens next - practical stuff like the family home and the kiRAB, any financial stuff that's joint.

The most important thing is that you keep communicating with your wife without being angry (if you can) and let your feelings out, don't bury them. Try not to be self-destructive, eat and sleep well, and look after your kiRAB because they still need their dad.

I know it's painful and there will be times when it feels like it will never end, but we are resilient and we do survive, so I very much hope that you will choose to swim rather than sink.

I wish you well.

Derek
 
I'm similar but a few more years down the line.

Had about 5 years that were good, worshipped my wife and then gradually came to the conclusion that the relationship was very one sided . Over time this only got worse. I would always be prepared to support anything she found important in her life even if I didn't agree with it or understand it but this was rarely reciprocated and eventually self-preservation kicks in.

Marriage is a partnership and with the best will in the world you cannot force the other partner to take it seriously.

I'm still married but primarily for my children's sake however I don't wish my wife any ill will and would always be concerned about her welfare.

This was a decision I took that it wasn't in the children's best interest for us to break up the marriage at least not at this point in time. Heard all the arguments about clean breaks and the children would be better in a non-hostile environment but our home enviroment is on the whole harmonious and stable and we are pretty aligned with regard to the children's welfare.

There are multiple options and what is right for you is not necessarily something that you should seek other people's agreement or understanding on.

Try to treat it as a damage limitation exercise ; politeness and mutual respect can go a long way in terms of preventing the situation from disintegrating catastrophically . Even if you do split ensure you do it in a controlled fashion , be adult and avoid any knee jerk reactions.

Don't approach any discussions as being an argumentative conflict that one of you has to win. Don't see it in terms of winning and losing , compromise where possible and accomodate your wife's wishes. If you do split then this approach will make things much more amicable for everyone.

Ask your wife what would make her happy , if she isn't sure then help her think through things , don't pressurise her. The goal is to ensure everyone is happy with their life you included.

Don't be afraid to try a few different approaches , see if a trial seperation gives you both some space to think clearly.

You can split , you can stay together for the children's sake to maintain a stable household , you can split further down the line , you may patch things back up. You've invested a lot of your life and time in your marriage so far so there is no hurry to reach a conclusion.

Might sound strange but relax a bit , don't try to hard , listen to your wife's point of view and value it even if its not something you like or agree with.

I know that whilst I want to continue to be supportive to her and our children the prospect of remaining married to her for the rest of my life is something that I couldn't live with but again I don't feel its a race against time.
 
Please don't take this the wrong way as I'm not judging your decision or anything like that, just commenting from my point of view.

But I would find that pretty horrible: living with someone you don't love and pretending to be a couple for many years just for the children. It seems like such a waste when you both could have a loving and complete relationship with someone else.
I think children want their parents to be happy too.

As much as I wouldn't want my son's life to be turned up side down, I don't feel the athmosphere in the house would be very nice (even if polite and respectful etc.) if his dad and me were together as an agreement rather than through love.
 
We were both pretty relaxed about it in the car on the way to work this morning...she feels like she has missed out on "something" by marrying me and having 2 kiRAB but doesn't know what. Her brother and sister-in-law splitting up yesterday gave her the courage to say something to me because she has felt this way for a couple of months...I probably knew it but missed or ignored the signs. Throughout our time together we have had quite a lot of trials not relating to our marriage which we have come through and now that we are at a point where everything is good and there is not much to worry about, rather than relax she feels she has to search for something...and now that she has time to truly look at me she has lost sight of what she used to see.
 
Agreed. What was interesting, I was actually eating more than normal and sleeping but the amount of weight I lost was silly. In the space of two months, I went from a 34 waist to a 30 .. I was waking up in sweats, it was awful. Interesting what stress can do to a body
 
Yeah, for me, the signs where there.. She even said to me many times that she hated our so called 'relationship' .. I just ignored it and hoped it would heal itself... How silly of me and looking back.. I should have got out of there a long time ago. But then if I did, I would have meet my wife. Things happen for a reason...
 
Would she be happy in her life with you if she had that missing something?

There are times in your life when you look at it all and feel like "what if I was still young and free?" and you wonder about all the things you think you would have liked to do or what you would have liked to do with your life.
It can be silly things like going dancing together once a week, or getting into a hobby, or travelling etc.
 
Can't add much to the good advice given, just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this Dec, hope you can resolve things in the best possible way - whatever that might be.
 
I understand your impression of this but I'd say its different for everyone. No one is living in denial or with false hope in my household any more . The atmosphere in the house is pleasant and relaxed and we both get a lot of comfort from that.

There is nothing enforced about things and we both realise that we are entitled to happiness in our lives and that the children will always be supported and come first. its not a cold war and whilst we are no longer a couple we are not leading seperate lives. Its comfortable and secure for everyone.

The alternative wouldn't help anyone and be pointless.
 
I feel for you mate, after the things you went through with your lad it can't be easy. I don't know what else to say but I really hope you work it out.

I do find the 'missing something' thing rather odd though, I mean if one chooses to settle down and have children then its a given that you should/would have to sacrifice some things, just my view on it.
 
Really sorry to hear this.

This is something that happened to me last year.

I noticed a few signs and then asked my wife outright. She admitted she had lost any feelings she had for me. We decided the best course of action was to separate.

It wasn't something either of us had done but as we had aged we both changed and weren't the people who had fell in love and got married. Don't look for someone/something to blame, there may not be anything other than time.

Initially it was tough, I won't lie to you mate, but things are going good for me now. If anything I am happier now as we aren't constantly trying to make something work that never could.

We are still frienRAB, which is one thing we were both keen on. We don't hate each other we just don't have that bond any more. Its also made the divorce a lot easier than it has been for many other people as our key goal was to protect our frienRABhip and not strip each other of everything we had.

It will be complicated and more difficult because of the kiRAB, but hopefully won't be as traumatic as when adultery etc is involved and the couple are trying to get revenge.

All the best mate, and be sure to talk to frienRAB etc about this. I found that helped me a lot rather than trying to deal with it alone.
 
You see, this is how oblivious I am...I think that the worst crises are over for us but I think she is facing problems that affect her more than me and I've dropped the ball with my lack of meaningful support, ie. her job is going through enforced changes (merging with another office), she has been stressing over her brother's US Tourist Visa Application because she said it was okay but he ended up being rejected...loaRAB of little things like that where I have not done much about it...I know it probably goes back quite a long way but for her she has had a lot of personal things which have built up. I should have done more...I could have done more. probably wouldn't have prevented this situation but would have made the way back from it a bit shorter...or more possible.

She may be depressed and need help that way.
 
The best thing, is to sit down and talk. Maybe see if the grandparents or frienRAB can look after children for an evening and have an open and honest conversation without having to worry about the kiRAB hearing.

Try to stay calm as well, it may be she says somethings that are hurtful or in your view wrong/misconstrued. If you just end up shouting at each other you won't achieve anything.
 
I don't know much about this kind of stuff. But I suppose its possible that she just doesn't have enough 'emotional energy' left for you at the moment. Which perhaps has come through as a lack of feelings. It seems you have a lot on your plate between you, the lad, her job, (although quite why her brothers US visa should have anything to do with you, is beyond me)

Don't risk losing everything because of what may be a temporary 'emotional overload'. It may be utterly thankless over the next few months, but try being the reliable, unwavering, non-complaining rock that everybody neeRAB once in a while and see if things calm down.
 
Sorry to hear this, however, it doesn't read like you've reached a tipping point yet? Hopefully this isn't beyond resolution, most relationships go through a rough patch and the what ifs, but the grass isn't always greener and simple changes at home can make a difference, sounRAB like you've already identified some.
 
It’s a tricky situation and there is no right answer.

Talking is key, although maybe right now isn’t the right time for her to talk.

It may be easier to talk things through with an independent 3rd party. Mrs T and I went through a very rough patch about 18 months ago and we couldn’t talk without arguing, so nothing ever got resolved. Having that person there helped us, stopped the arguments becoming too bad and made sure we acknowledged what each other said.

Maybe it’s just some space she neeRAB?

One thing is for sure, the more amicable you can make things, the easier it will be, even if you eventually decide that enough is enough.
 
Back
Top