H
Had enough
Guest
Hi, I'm pretty desperate for an answer on this one so please any (polite!) ideas much appreciated.
My husband is Chinese, I am half Chinese, half English but very Western in many outlook. After plenty of arguments, often including heated discussions on unhelpful communication, we were both reading last night about the differences in Western and Oriental communication, eg. how Westerners are much more clear and mean what they say while Orientals are much more vague and expect to leave much more open to guessing and assumptions.
After some bad experiences (both within and outside the marriage,) where things have been left to guessing and assumptions instead of what I consider clear, open, honest communication, I am very strong about wanting clarity and efficient communication in our relationship. I do, however recognise it's give and take so I do make room for his vagueness and less definitive communication style, when I can.
Both of us would love more peace and less arguments between us but I simply can't bear the thought of us having children and struggling to get clear what the other is saying, when we're seriously overtired, stressed and just running on automatic in our parenting attempts. Because that's also when deep-seated cultural, familial and personality expectations on how things should be done, including helpful communication, also surface and tolerance for a different way of doing things is lower. The potential for arguments is scary!
So I try to get us on the same page as much as possible BEFORE we have kids. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think does he have ADD, does he have so many distracting thoughts flying around in his head at the same time that he just can't seem to understand the need for clear, coherent communication for the receiver? Honestly, there are times I feel I am practically asking him, 'Do you want blue or red?' (as a hypothetical example,) and his answer will be 'round!!!'
Is this a case of men don't listen? Is this cultural? Is this personality, (he's more laid back than me) or is this just sloppy communication? It really puts quite some stress on me. Long story short, I have also seen others quietly laugh at him behind his back and raise their eyebrows at the things he can say. I try not to care what others think but it is embarrassing yet he basically seems to remain oblivious both to what he says and other's reactions!!
He is gradually coming round to seeing how he presents himself is important, for his own sake, as well as seeing how clear communication is a sign of respect for the person you're communicating with, but the process of showing him is very ardous for me and really tries my patience.
This might seem to some degree, like trivialities but I come from a bi-cultural marriage where I have seen so many arguments, often based on simple little misunderstandings because of culture or language and of course, most of us deal with opposite personalities in our marriages too. They can then escalate and get so out of proportion and I would be desperate if I see my husband and I create for our children, the same argumentative, anxious atmosphere that my parents unintentionally created for my siblings and I! I do feel guilty I am being too anal about this and needing to have communication so clear, that it's not fair to expect that of my husband but I feel I have good reasons for it.
I'm sorry for rambling, because of our ages we really need to get started on a family soon but I am so afraid it will all degenerate in to one awful, battlefield of an existence for us! I am to some degree, a perfectionist about accurate communication but there's only so much I can let slide (red, blue, round!) Where is the middle ground and to be fair, what should I expect of me and what should I expect of my husband? I'm sorry this is so long even after editing, in advance, I appreciate any time spent answering.
My husband is Chinese, I am half Chinese, half English but very Western in many outlook. After plenty of arguments, often including heated discussions on unhelpful communication, we were both reading last night about the differences in Western and Oriental communication, eg. how Westerners are much more clear and mean what they say while Orientals are much more vague and expect to leave much more open to guessing and assumptions.
After some bad experiences (both within and outside the marriage,) where things have been left to guessing and assumptions instead of what I consider clear, open, honest communication, I am very strong about wanting clarity and efficient communication in our relationship. I do, however recognise it's give and take so I do make room for his vagueness and less definitive communication style, when I can.
Both of us would love more peace and less arguments between us but I simply can't bear the thought of us having children and struggling to get clear what the other is saying, when we're seriously overtired, stressed and just running on automatic in our parenting attempts. Because that's also when deep-seated cultural, familial and personality expectations on how things should be done, including helpful communication, also surface and tolerance for a different way of doing things is lower. The potential for arguments is scary!
So I try to get us on the same page as much as possible BEFORE we have kids. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think does he have ADD, does he have so many distracting thoughts flying around in his head at the same time that he just can't seem to understand the need for clear, coherent communication for the receiver? Honestly, there are times I feel I am practically asking him, 'Do you want blue or red?' (as a hypothetical example,) and his answer will be 'round!!!'
Is this a case of men don't listen? Is this cultural? Is this personality, (he's more laid back than me) or is this just sloppy communication? It really puts quite some stress on me. Long story short, I have also seen others quietly laugh at him behind his back and raise their eyebrows at the things he can say. I try not to care what others think but it is embarrassing yet he basically seems to remain oblivious both to what he says and other's reactions!!
He is gradually coming round to seeing how he presents himself is important, for his own sake, as well as seeing how clear communication is a sign of respect for the person you're communicating with, but the process of showing him is very ardous for me and really tries my patience.
This might seem to some degree, like trivialities but I come from a bi-cultural marriage where I have seen so many arguments, often based on simple little misunderstandings because of culture or language and of course, most of us deal with opposite personalities in our marriages too. They can then escalate and get so out of proportion and I would be desperate if I see my husband and I create for our children, the same argumentative, anxious atmosphere that my parents unintentionally created for my siblings and I! I do feel guilty I am being too anal about this and needing to have communication so clear, that it's not fair to expect that of my husband but I feel I have good reasons for it.
I'm sorry for rambling, because of our ages we really need to get started on a family soon but I am so afraid it will all degenerate in to one awful, battlefield of an existence for us! I am to some degree, a perfectionist about accurate communication but there's only so much I can let slide (red, blue, round!) Where is the middle ground and to be fair, what should I expect of me and what should I expect of my husband? I'm sorry this is so long even after editing, in advance, I appreciate any time spent answering.