Mabe A Perfect Poem?

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Gabbrielle

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My boyfriend has always been sending me really sweet stuff and now I want to send something to him. Here is what I have so far.......

When I look into your eyes something washes over me, something I just can't describe but it's here tonight. Then I look across your way and have to say.............. love it is with you and me tonight.


It is nothing much........ but please rate 1-10, 1=horrible,10=the best. Thank you!
 
let's give you a 8

it cannot be horrible since it's a love letter.

To upgrade it to the next level you should get a look a stylistic processes

These are meant to vary the information transfer pattern to make it more enjoyable.

as an example, your letter needs a little help with sounds; you don't play enough with them.

There are many sound rhythms you can follow.
The hardest, but well know is the rhymes of course.
Yet not being alone, there are two others alliterations and assonance.

Alliteration is the repetition of a consonant or a group of them in a sentence or more.
EX: A roasted rooster lying on the road. Is an alliteration in R.
And so would do a assonance, but with a vowel.

It gives a rhythm to a love letter. You can use it or not, it's a free choice.

You can also had some processes like I talked higher. You used some in your text without knowing it:

When I looked into your eyes
Something washes over me
Something I just can't describe
But it's here tonight
Then, I looked across your way
And have to say
love, it is you and me tonight

Using something twice in head is a figure of insistence and you used a nice rhyming pattern: the same word at the end is a process of insistence too and this pattern (-night/-ay/-ay/-night)
is called "hug". It's nice

You should have wrote it in the versification system like I did.
Eyes and describ is a partial poor rhyme. You should work to get it work better and you would have a great 10/10

Nice job, keep working!
 
I like it. It's simple and honest. It sounds like your boyfriend likes you too. He will appreciate it.
 
poetry is perfect if it comes from within you. It is not our place to judge.
 
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