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rowan66

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I am new to this forum. I know I have had an addiction problem most of my life. It started at age 13. I have been addicted to one thing or another since then. It started with alcohol and now for 10 years or so I have been using opioRAB. Always with a doc. prescription. When I run out there is always a friend or two that can help me out until my re fills. I am currentley taking norco 10/325 about 20 or more a day when I run out of my 200 per month fill of 15 mg oxycodone. I also get 180 methadone per month. I have been seeing a pain doc. since I broke my tailbone and lower back in 2003. Before that I was on darvocet for severe headaches for a few years. He keeps upping my meRAB and dosages due to tolerance. I do have significant chronic pain but I know I am using for other reasons. The wrong reasons. With all that he prescribes me I still can run out before my monthly visit with him. I am highly functional, hold down a good job, handle 4 children, and keep a nice house. I have dropped all of my hobbies though, for drug use. I have stopped drinking regularly now for about 8 years and can take alcohol or leave it, as I much prefer the opioRAB. I am at a point where I am worried about what I am putting my body through. I have been through withdrawl many times, and I am sure my liver is pretty much shot. I also have a constant aching in my lower back and I am sure it ismore than my ususal back pain. I fear it is my kidneys. I feel as if I am fading away and am so afraid of life without my crutch I am not sure If I can stop or how I can find the strength and motivation to quit. The one thing that keeps me going are my kiRAB. They are soooo beautiful and I love them so much I cry when I think of leaving them with no mother. I fear this is what will happen soon if I don't get myself under control. I have thought of talking with my doc but am afraid he will take my drugs away. I know he will help me quit, he is a good doc. I just have not known who the real me is for so long I am afraid I will never be happy again. I am very hard working and dedicated to my family. I just cannot stand the feeling of being sober. I have been on every antidepressant known to man with no result. The only way I feel happy is on these pills. I have heard you can destroy your chemical balance permanently with long term use and can become clinicaly depressed forever. I am not sure what I am looking for by posting here. I guess I hope that something someone has to say will get through to me. I just don't like myself much these days. I have hidden this from my children, but have a boyfriend who somewhat knows. He has no idea how much I take or how bad this is.
I have been reading alot of posts and want to say I admire and respect those of you who are battling with this.
God bless you all
 
Hi Rowan

I guess what I would say to you first is that I was on high doses of all kinRAB of opiates as well as benzos for 12 years or so. My scripts were, like yours, for pain. Today, I have been opiate free and benzo free for 2 plus years.

I didn't recognize the addict in myself until I had a complete and total breakdown. It was then that I finally was forced to work with my doctors to taper off all the meRAB. It was a long, tearful road that took me nearly a year. However, it was a year of personal growth also. I learned how to live life on life's terms and today I am happier than I was for so many years in drug haze.

The fear of not having drugs is a fear we all experience when we finally commit to getting off of them for good. However, each of us, in retrospect, realizes that the fear was not founded. We face the fear, do it anyway, and then find that happiness is what we were really missing all along.

I hope you stick around, find hope ( for there is so much), and the courage to face your fear and do it anyway.

With all hope
reach
 
Thank you so much for the kind worRAB and sharing your experience. It does help. I know of no one around me with my problem. Though I am sure I would be surprised! It is nice to know others understand. What did you do for withdrawl symptoms? How long was it before you could sleep through the night? What do you use for pain control now? Sorry for all of the questions I know what short term wd is like just don't know how I will cope long term.
Thanks
Rowan
 
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