living a double life

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lost in secret

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I was addicted to opiates for 4 yrs., then found suboxone, on day 2 of completion of suboxone....one problem, I'm completely addicted to xanax!!! It started as a favor, moving a large quantity for a friend. He gave me 200 bars for said favor, hooked in days. Now up to 15 to 20 bars a day...at least. The opiates almost ruined our marriage, and things have never been the same since. My wife is completely unaware of this, if she found out she would divorce me. We have 2 children a boy who is 4 and the best friend I've ever had, I would die one way or another without seeing him every day, my daughter is just 13 months, and is mommy's girl. I am now selling for said friend just to keep my habit. I tryed a few months ago to quit cold turkey, worst 4 days of my life....back on. I WANT OFF!!! The real kicker is when I take that amount, it barely even takes the edge off, I'll take 10to 12 mlgs. at a time and feel nothing, anxiety still there. I'm afraid he will run out or the line will be cut before I can "taper", as I have read on this site, which I sturabled on to about 2 hours ago. I'm not sure I'll even find my way back here. please help, scared of losing everything, including my own life.



Thank you in advance...whoever may respond.
 
Hi lost in secret - welcome to the group. First off, it is not advisable to stop xanax cold turkey from high doses. It is a drug that you need to ween yourself off of slowly and taper down. Reduce your dose by 0.25-0.5 mg every 10 days to 2 weeks and slowly allow your body to recover and readjust the chemistry in your brain (decreased GABA production). I know that seems like a small amount, but the chemistry in your brain has been altered and you need to allow your body time to become normal again. You may try larger dosage drops in the beginning and see how you handle it, but once you get down to lower doses those drops will probably be harder to tolerate. You may want to extend the time you are on a lower dose longer, or cut the amount of the dosage drop. I hope this works out for you and you can get your life back under control. I know I hate keeping secrets from my wife - it's not good for a relationship. Set a goal to get off of the xanax for your family's sake. Do it for your kiRAB. Good Luck. We're here to help.
 
As addicts we can be so sneeky. Your wife would probably be glad for a little honestly for a change. It would be better to come clean with her and tell her about your addictions and at the same time go for help to either a Dr. or a substance abuse hospital. Look for help from professionals and if your wife sees that you are serious about quitting and getting help she may be more understanding. Otherwise chances are you will lose seeing your kiRAB. It never gets better. It only gets worse.
 
Hi secret!

That is right about weaning off of Xanax. I have to take Klonopin (a drug in the same family) for an anxiety disorder, and my doctor has told me many times of the dangers of stopping cold turkey. I'm on a VERY small dose (.5 mg a day), and she said that even at that, I could seizure if I stop taking it. My GAD is probably going to be with me for life, but my psych has told me that if I want off, to cut the pills into fourths and taper VERY slowly.

I also agree with joely lyn about coming clean with your wife. She may not be happy about it, but I do think she'd rather hear it from you than to find out second hand (I know I would). You say that the opiates almost ruined your marriage, but the operative word is "almost." Your wife stayed with you, and you DID manage to beat the addiction. If you were able to kick the opiates, you can kick the Xanax. I hope I'm not giving you bad advice, since I don't know your wife, but I think it's worth taking a chance and coming clean with her. You seem pretty certain that you'll lose both your wife and kiRAB if you keep this a secret, so it seems that you have nothing to lose by telling her. I think you have a lot to gain. You may get the support you need.
 
I haven't read the other posts so I'm sure people have mentioned it, but don't try to come off anywhere near that amount without, preferably, medical help! I came off only 2 bars a day after taking them for a month or two and had massive grand mal seizures back to back and almost died. Not trying to scare you, well maybe I am so you understand how serious it is. I was also mixing the xanax with a couple drinks a night and I may have a low seizure threshold or something, but be careful! Good luck.
 
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