Lines & Lines & Lines...

Good way to look at it. Don't let the hata get ya down.
People always wanna give you their opinion, but never why they gave it to you or how you can make it better.
 
You're one of the few people that's read it that seemed to be happy with it on the surface level (I think most of the people in the workshop expected it to try and solve the meaning of life, so they kept digging deeper and deeper). I'm glad to see that it successfully operates on a first layer basis. I'll keep that in mind when I'm proof-ing it/tidying it up. Thanks, foreverendeared!!!!!!
 
Let us know how it goes and post the final version on a new post. I have a portfolio due in a few months, I am looking for ideas on how to put it together. I wish this board allowed messaging, would help.

I re did one of my earlier poems that is much more refined im gonna submit in a few days. I write like four poems a week, so I dont wanna over flow the board.
 
Which is rather silly. If I can critique someone, and back up my critique, I get the sense that I am "right" and I get an ego boost (oh and I get the satisfaction in knowing that I may have helped them improve their creative piece, and add another stellar work to the collective artistic movement... or something).
 
Joe, as someone in a lot of workshops..... thos will eventually be your readers. If you ever want to make poetry for a large group of people, then its the "masses" of "cows" you have to listen too. These poems are great for us "obtuse" thinkers.

I think its the invention of computers that makes us change our poetry order. Used to be it was only about the worRAB and form...now there is so many more things we can do.

Although "obtuse" poetry is still marketable if ya take the time to make backgrounRAB for the worRAB and such. Will bring out the points more. Most people read through poetry really fast and dont bother to stop.

Eitherway, well done, I just gotta put something good and something bad in every crutique, or I feel like i'm being vanilla.
 
Sure thing, I will definitely re-post the final versions of the poems I'm submitting. Four poems a week, you say? That's about four more poems a week more than me. :amaze:
 
That's a great point, AAA. I found, when I was reading the comments from the other students in the workshop, that my poem had enough of a firm base to go either way. It's all a matter of what I mean it to say in the end. I will cater the form and content around that particular axis. I'm thinking that the best thing to do would be to split it into separate poems. Keep the sections as they are, but by splitting them, I can allow myself more room to expand, or more room to be subtle within each realm of the piece. Also, they'd be companion pieces to each other, so it would be completely up to the reader if they wanted to experience it as a whole, or in parts, in order, or out. And I know what you mean. Always room to improve, so it's best to offer criticism along with praise.

Thanks for the read, julian!!
 
JustJoe and AAA, you are both awesome so I'm going to post a couple poems I'd like you two to critique for me. please, any thoughts would be awesome:



The Carpenter's Daughter (Ischial Tuberosity)

She sat in a broken, red chair
(She thought her much too short for comfort.)
Her tattered little legs, worn and abused,
Like a thousand years' ruled over their use.
No thought for notice;
A life's worth of stories ingrained in silence,
But she never complained (by the looks of things)
For there was solace in the sound of nothing at all.

A hundred passers-by must've muttered reproach,
(They thought her much too sad for sitting.)
Her red dress adorning her miserable appearance,
Like a smile to suppress her weakness.
No beauty to speak of;
Her surface cracked and faded in patches,
But she never complained (by the looks of things)
For there was peace in the knowledge of beauty within.



tiny things

There are these tiny things
which dance and flitter about
and carve gorges in between
the pink tissues of my brain.

They remind me that
I'm probably insane,
or at least detached and
broken.

In a tedious language,
formless creatures
stalk before my sullen eyes,
and I resist their stares;

I cannot but yield
to their fascinations
and their passions and their
pleasures.

I yearn for some
unholy expansion of perspicacity
into these stoic hanRAB
and their inadequacies,

Some camouflaged clay,
a putty of glorious substance
to mold and fill this
fissure.

I find myself unveiled,
a secret painfully profound
escapes my being and
shatters in futility.

A pause so occult and cold
engulfs me, and in a wild
and sudden frenzy-
nothingness.
 
what classes do you guys write for?

I don't think I've ever had to write a poem for a class... well, maybe one or two back in high school.
 
I write for my Intro To Poetry Workshop class I'm taking. It was one of the few classes I could take towarRAB a Creative Writing major without having been accepted into the program yet. I got denied last semester. I did things with structure and form and rhyme scheme that 99% of the people in that program (student or teacher) couldn't do. Basically, they felt like I Meshuggah-ed it, and lacked soul and emotion (I beg to differ, but that's neither here nor there).
 
I'm in my 300's for poetry...however I have found that the best writers are half crazy and half too smart for their own good.

Only reason I write a lot is due to sleep deprevation. I get about 3-4 hours of sleep a night until I crash for about 10 hours after a few weeks. I cant enter my third stage of REM ever. Thats why you will see me post at weird times.

I am learning more and more everyday to write less and edit more.
 
Yup yup, sir. It;s the beginning and the end that mean the most. I found myself writing extremely strong middle rhymes and slacking on the beginning and end of my schemes. For my style, I have been putting messing with mid/end/beg rhyme patern.

I guess in short...... most people agree the beginning and end are the most important to a line/body/whole poem.
 
I will read the first one more and give you as more detailed on the second soon.

For right now I am going to focus on the thythm of the first one because the subject matter is awesome. (Avoide calling the authore broken though, it draws multiple conclusions.... maybe makes it too personal. However, you did a good job saying you wish the "lemmings" would act...eventhough its hard to get them to do so)

The last line of each block you have and intersting flow.

half of them are even and half are odd when it comes to iambic pentameter. I notice that the last line is alway better in odd iabic because it leaRAB to the next line. I have also noticed that the odd ones either leave them thinking ot pondering while even amounts kind of sound perfect. Something about the human brain likes to speak in iambic....kinda like Shakespear..... he was a master of being OCD Iambic writing.
 
WOW.... love the use of "Mehuggah'd" hahahahah they are a crazy metal band that feel slike they are playing ten different songs and they all go together.

It is unfortunate that they did that, most people in your class, much like this board, are only here to have their poems read and dont honestly care about yours.

Although when things are cryptic its hard for people to relate.
 
On second read through on the second one I realized you just might seeking help with filling in your brain. It might be an overall expression of the "yearning for knowledge". Hmmmmmmm I am gonna have to come back to it after breakfast.......mmmmmmmm hungry.
 
I'm all for the whole package myself haha

Curious, do you guys think of a topic before you write? Like, do you sit down to write with any purpose?

For me, I just write whatever flows out of me. Usually I'll sit there with a notebook in front of me, a pen in my hand, and just stare at the paper until a couple of lines I really like come out, then it all just flows out from there (usually).
 
I'm hitting the books hard tonight. Have a test tomorrow, and a butt-ton of assignments due. Come Friday, I'll be all over this. Cannot wait to read them both. :)
 
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