Lines & Lines & Lines...

I

Ifa

New member
I. Bent-Back WorRAB: Filmworks V- Pt. XXXV [ ]

She reigns in a throne of gray
And beige dust
Needles prick needles
Pinch like seas of black
Amethyst scribbled across/muted electric
Skies scenes sites
Timid glasses full/fool
Done like Marat drowning in tea leaves/leaves weeRAB like
Film noir but in whispers
Tick sounRAB and breathing,
And breathing,
And breathing,
I plugged your nostrils.
While you were sleeping in these lines
I write mines to right minRAB and try to memorize “my my”’s
To spite lines you hide/highed
To spit
On you
Because it itches white
My ears ringing etching secret sketches
They’re/their/there hearing
You’re/your heroin/heroine
My hero to/too
See-through

Clear arrows miss/Ms. Hairpins which cleared (M.)arrows
By hearts per feared targets
I miss
You. Terrible.
You did a hit
And I hit you
In the ribs like the hollow man you ruined
Bruises bandages and
Fidgeting when it’s near
Twitching your drool
Dripping like a tar times a resin
Slipping time in scars a resonant art
Filming my film noir by/buy and by/bye I’m
As in moi/*muah*

.) Bent/BackwarRAB: Shape Without Form, Shade Without Colour [↓↑]
lɐ ıuʇǝuɔı
 
I will definitely try that. I'm not sure if I have, at this time, enough time to expand and flesh out each section, so maybe I'll just keep it as one poem, but make it longer and have each section fit the whole theme a little better. At the moment, I took the first section, and went crazy messing with the line breaks and I think I quite like the result. Tell me what you think (I added a few lines in the beginning to establish a little bit of a base.

He bears and He brews
He breeRAB Halcyons in packeted steam
She reigns in thrones of grays
Of trembling fist of
Crippled beige dust
Heaps of broken syringes needles
Prick needles pinch
Like seas of black
Amethyst scribbled across muted electric
Skies scenes sites
Timid glasses full/fool
Done like Marat drowning in
Tea leaves/leaves weeRAB like
Film noir but in whispers tick
SounRAB and breathing
And breathing
And breathing
I plugged your nostrils
While you were sleeping in
These lines I write
Mines to/too/two
Right minRAB and try to/too
Memorize
 
This is frustrating, because the poem is as much a visual piece as it is concerned with the content and various allusions and imagery.

The first page (I. Bent-Back WorRAB: Filmworks V- Pt. XXXV [ ]) had on the other half of the page various lines of various lengths, with a repeated pattern down the page, and some instances where those lines approached the area of the stream of consciousness section of the poem.

The second page (.) Bent/BackwarRAB: Shape Without Form, Shade Without Colour [↓↑]) had the worRAB: "meant to confuse mental con fuse me" slowly fading from black to gray to white.

This line: "0:n The Merits Of Flower Picking And The Validity In Which Plants Can Answer Life-Affirming Questions Ignore The Second Line Is A Lie Ignore The Second Lie Is A" was split up so that answer was the last word on the first line and the other worRAB were designated to their own line save for the blank line using underscores.

The section with the petals/roses had the references to drugs in each line colored in red, and from the point which the "E"'s are capitalized, they were also highlighted in red.

There was a final page, using underscores, that was made in the semblance of lined paper, but on the 11th line, using "^" and "V" made to slightly resemble a rose them with thorns or oscillations on an EKG machine.

Blah, blah, blah, etc.
 
Much, much more moving. Not only do I feel I understand it much more, but the voice is ocmming out well. The tons is ringing through too.

I dont know the realtion of this person to you.....but as someone who as struggled through drug addiciton and is now a year Sober..... it's a unique take on the person being affected the the user.

I could be wrong....however, that is something I can handle.

I also like the two/too/to and a few other little "play on worRAB".

Lemme know how ya feel about my new poem.
 
I added this at the end of the poem:

He bears and He brews
He breeRAB Halcyons in packeted steam
She reigns in thrones of grays
Of trembling fist
Of crippled beige

After that current last line, I give a line of space in between that and this added element, so that the reader has a mental break, the repetition makes the poem cyclical, but since it's even changed slightly with the line breaks, it suggests that it cyclical, but forever changing.

As for the interpretation, my experience with drugs is none, but this is rather an attempt to cope with losing the girl I loved to someone else. Long story, but after it happened, and even up to now, I've been trying to break everything down, create new realities, and anything I could do to put myself in a place where I'm okay with what happened. Still not there yet though...

Reading your new poem right this instant. Thanks for all the help, AAA!
 
Makes sense...... probably why I related it as such. Drugs are a like a woman you dont need but somehow love. Then take forever to get over.

Poetry is by far the best way to work your way through thoughts and situations. I notice that I can re-read my works and either refomulate my thoughts or atleast awknowledge them.
 
:angry: Women. Agreed.

I agree. I have a pretty bad habit of not writing that often, but I'm slowly trying to change that. I like to re-read and reformulate, and reinterpret it when I'm far removed from the situation, somewhere long down the road.
 
Written much like I think of writing. You seem to want to shift context and connotation of worRAB in their placement so as to cull up a different direction line by line by way of the relations we put on worRAB. Neato. The context matter of the poem becomes secondary and depenRAB on the type of associations that you can come up with, and you've done so quite well.
 
:cool:interesting break down of worRAB. It is definately mysterious and well written. I personally like a little more flow, but it isnt my art work.
 
That is the most powerful part by far. It's the play on worRAB without articles. It really draws the worRAB out to make a meaning. I also like how it can be interpreted differently, however still make an impact.
 
I just got this poem workshopped today. I could write a paper about the responses/attempts to define my category of poetry/mental breakdowns/rage/etc. that it spawned, but the best part about it is that it made people respond. No one was on the fence. They either loved it (or parts of it), or they hated it (or parts of it).

It's definitely a grower, but I have some areas that I now know can be tidied up for maximum effect.

Thanks Astronaut, AAA, SugarCoateRABour and foreverendeared (whenever he gets to it) for the read! I really appreciate it!
 
This was a blast to read. There was nothing there that made me really "think" (if you will), which is what I usually like best about poetry, but it was so much fun to read I've found myself coming back to this and reading it again several times.
 
You guys are lovely :)

Reading it with that in mind, especially since the other instances of multiple meaning seem to help and not hinder the flow, it does seem that having the "too" before the "to" is much more effective. Thanks guys!!

Wish me luck! I have a long night of writing ahead of me, and submission of my portfolio is tomorrow at noon. :thumb:
 
Back
Top