last question was a rant, sorry, i'm separated and sad?

[walking in l.a.]

i have done everything possible to "win her back." sobriety was a major issue, fixed it. married, we been together about 20 years, 4 kids, i have been irresponsible with money, so has she. i get the blame, i accept it. anyway, she spends all her free time with me, weekends, evenings, always have fun, going out to movies, concerts, movies at her apt, dinners, lunches. it's more real quality time than we ever spent together before the separation (3 1/2 months ago). i'm frustrated because she doesn't seem to acknowledge my efforts, although the do make a difference in how we are together. i love her and i KNOW she loves me. she's an independent spirit, and would file for divorce if that's what she wanted....whew long winded. maybe females could answer this one better: why would she hold back? why not initiate reconciliation, we're always together, never fight. what do you think?
attending AA sober 130-plus days
also seeing individual counselor.

 

[gurneywagon]

Congratulations on your sobriety!

I'm married to a recovering alcoholic. He's 3 years sober but there have been times of stress for him (outside of us) that makes me nervous as hell that he'll relapse.

Drinking was his way of life - probably very similar to your own. I'm sure your wife went through your promises to quit drinking with hope in the beginning and lack of trust in your word at the end - not at all uncommon.

The point is, trust broken is trust lost. You will never be able to TELL her you're done. Your actions are new to her. She's likely nervous to be accepting of your "word" because you failed to follow through for so many years and, who's to say you won't resort to those old ways again?

It sounds like you're moving in the right direction but it's going to take time and continued commitment on your part before she'll be ready to jump back into the fire. Give yourself (and her) time to continue growing in your sobriety.

Isn't patience, acceptance and tolerance something you've heard A LOT about in AA? Gee...is that me taking your inventory?????

If she's not already going to Al Anon meetings, maybe suggest that option to her. There are a huge number of us that have been through this right along with her. Just like AA for you, Al Anon is an excellent resource and learning place for us.

That's just the way I roll! I wish you much success on your sober journey, new way of life ~ and new way of thinking!

 

[happy fun times]

Now show it to her. Tell her what you are doing...dont be afraid. Start the ball...she is waiting for you.