Know any really funny jokes?

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†DarkAngelâ€

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lookin for a laugh lol heres a joke I saw on the web.....
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”
 
an alien lands on earth, and he doesn't know any english, so he first went to an Opera house and learned to say, "Me, me, me, me, meee!!"
he then went to a butcher shop and learned to say, "Forks and knives."
Next he went to Walmart and learned to say,"Plug it in, plug it in!"
then a police officer came up to him and asked him,"Sir, there have been some suspicious murders in town. Do you know of anyone who would do such a thing?"
then the alien said,"Me, me, me, me, meee!!"
then the officer said,"What did you use?"
the alien said, "Forks and knives."
the officer said, "Do you want to be killed in an electric chair?"
and the alien said, "Plug it in, plug it in!"
 
Very Funny. This along the same lines:

A man was teaching his wife to play golf. He said, "OK. Hit the ball but be careful not to hit any of those expensive houses over there."

She hits the ball and sure as s*** it hits a house and breaks a window. The couple go to the door to apologize. A man answers the door. The couple apologize and agree to pay for the damages.

The man says, "Don't be sorry. Y'see I'm a Genie and you freed me from my bottle. I was stuck in there for a thousand years. In fact, I will grant three wishes. One for you." Points to the husband. "One for you." Points to the wife. "And because I have been stuck in that bottle for a thousand years, I would like one myself."

The couple can't believe their luck. The man says, "I would like us to be the richest couple on Earth."

Genie nods his head, "Done."

The woman says, "I want us to a lavish mansion on every continent on Earth."

Genie nods his head, "Done. And now for my wish. I have been in that bottle for a thousand years and I would like to spend an hour in the bedroom with your wife."

The couple talks it over and decide it is the least that they could do considering that they have been given their wishes and he forgave the whole window thing. So they agree.

An hour later the Genie and wife are lying in bed naked and smoking cigarettes.

"How old is your husband?" asks the Genie.

"40. Why?"

"He's 40 years old and he still believes in Genies."
 
Ok, so a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "Got any gwapes?" (ducks have lisps, lol)
The bartender says "No, we don't have any grapes."
So the Duck comes in the next day and asks again "Got any Gwapes?"
The bartender says "NO, we don't have any grapes!"
So the next day the duck comes back and asks : "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says : "NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES AND IF YOU ASK AGAIN ILL STAPLE YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!"
So the Duck comes back in 10 minutes later and says "Got any staple?"
Bartender: "No."
The duck smiles and says : "Got any gwapes?"
 
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