Tonight my mom and I were having a chat trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, and why I've become so complicated.
Firstly, we came to this first theory: The theory that I am angry, sad, whatever but am in denial of my emotions thus I do not deal with them. Then, I brought up the fact that I believe: There is nothing to be angry or sad about, ever. Nothing... I just don't know why I think that.
At first we came to assume I think that because I believe I should be perfect, that there is no need for negative emotions, etc. We got into a long argument about that until I continued where we left off. I then said, "Well, I don't deal with my emotions because I honestly think there is nothing wrong with me. I don't think I have a problem."
This, lead to the unraveling of my knowledge, or a bit of a eureka. The denial, along with anger, sadness, whatever I have is all self fabricated, fake, not real. These creations are not an issue; it's the creating of them, the creating, that is. When I said that, it was all so clear, the origins of my mass confusion simplified.
But then of course, I go back to thinking, maybe I do have denial, maybe there is something wrong with me...and I begin creating again. I make the creations feel so real again within the snap of a second. The realization, the instinct I just had...becomes foreign and incredibly ununderstood. I create these creations and on top I want to protect myself from them.
I realize that it is simply the belief in what I just mentioned above that is lacking with me all the time, the knowledge that I become ignorant of for reasons unknown. Fear most likely, the urge to always be creating is the reason I become ignorant.
I realized my previous success was built around my long lasting belief in simplified, eureka moments as stated above. The gradual building of belief that eventually became a solid fortress all the time. Now though, I basically have lost my understanding all the time except for when it strikes me.
I miss seeing everything is a positive light, obliterating the word failure from my life, laughing at my past, seeing everything with love... I can't believe I see the same very things so negatively right now, and by my own will. I am going against what I know ALL THE TIME. All the time.
My question for you is...does this all make sense? Could you please justify me here?
Just joking, looking for insight as usual. Thanks all.
Yes Sean! Yes. The thoughts are not an issue, because they are fabricated. It's the thinking that I cannot turn off that's an issue.
Firstly, we came to this first theory: The theory that I am angry, sad, whatever but am in denial of my emotions thus I do not deal with them. Then, I brought up the fact that I believe: There is nothing to be angry or sad about, ever. Nothing... I just don't know why I think that.
At first we came to assume I think that because I believe I should be perfect, that there is no need for negative emotions, etc. We got into a long argument about that until I continued where we left off. I then said, "Well, I don't deal with my emotions because I honestly think there is nothing wrong with me. I don't think I have a problem."
This, lead to the unraveling of my knowledge, or a bit of a eureka. The denial, along with anger, sadness, whatever I have is all self fabricated, fake, not real. These creations are not an issue; it's the creating of them, the creating, that is. When I said that, it was all so clear, the origins of my mass confusion simplified.
But then of course, I go back to thinking, maybe I do have denial, maybe there is something wrong with me...and I begin creating again. I make the creations feel so real again within the snap of a second. The realization, the instinct I just had...becomes foreign and incredibly ununderstood. I create these creations and on top I want to protect myself from them.
I realize that it is simply the belief in what I just mentioned above that is lacking with me all the time, the knowledge that I become ignorant of for reasons unknown. Fear most likely, the urge to always be creating is the reason I become ignorant.
I realized my previous success was built around my long lasting belief in simplified, eureka moments as stated above. The gradual building of belief that eventually became a solid fortress all the time. Now though, I basically have lost my understanding all the time except for when it strikes me.
I miss seeing everything is a positive light, obliterating the word failure from my life, laughing at my past, seeing everything with love... I can't believe I see the same very things so negatively right now, and by my own will. I am going against what I know ALL THE TIME. All the time.
My question for you is...does this all make sense? Could you please justify me here?
Just joking, looking for insight as usual. Thanks all.Yes Sean! Yes. The thoughts are not an issue, because they are fabricated. It's the thinking that I cannot turn off that's an issue.