its me again...

C

clover lover 3

New member
grammar nazis need not give me hell

this rant will be in shitty form but i will try to make the spellings ok


I am not happy! I cannot remember a time when I was actually happy. This is not a poor pitty me party! I don't fucking want that! This is simply my life.

At one point in my life I was a tree huggin hippy type. I loved everyone even if i hated them! I wished NOBODY harm, ever! I saw the world as something to be explored and that the people in it were generally nice. I was the person that would go home and give you all of her belongings if it would help you. I have done it more then once. If you needed it I got it for you. My heart was on my sleve. I did at one point love hard, with all of my everythings, always. The people who I loved are still loved with the same fire and outgoingness that I once had.

I always put on a happy face no matter what!

Now in my life, I no longer love. really. I have found out through the years that love does hurt. I love my girls and they were basically taken away. I loved my family and all they did was tell me how wrong i was, how bad i am, how things should have been done, and of corse its ALL my fault. I now try not to love my kids. I did/am going through the process of letting the oldest boy move with my sister. (Thank you to those who tryed to help with that) But it IS for the best for the child. I have 1 child left right now. But honestly not for long. (yes i am a worthless pos that should die)

I loved my husband. And well at this point, it doesn't matter wtf I say or do. I will and am taking all the blame here. I want to make damn sure that the last child will be ok, even if that means I fuck off.

After all I am bi-polar and well people like me are text book crazy when not on meds! So there you go dear. You have plenty of amio to do what you will with. Do you want or need more to fight with to make any point? After all you are the one that needs to win in this.

One can only take so fucking much mental & emotional abuse before they break down to what I am now. You people tell me that I am worthless! You tell me that I should have never been a mother! You tell me that everything I do is WRONG! YOU people have told me how fucking bad I am for my whole fucking life! Then wonder what is wrong with me. Really?? You don't know the abuse you people put me through? To this day you people still abuse me. And all i can do it jsut take it or you will do something horrible to me to make my life even fucking worse like you always do.

I love my kids. those of you know know me please for them remember me. let them know that I honestly thought that if i stayed away from their lives that they would have better ones. I am so very sorry if your lives sucked. I did what i thought was right!

to my husband: take care. I am no longer the person you fell in love with. I am to far gone.

to my irl friends if i actually have any: please make your lives the best possible. make yourselves happy! Happiness is the one and only true success!

to my online friends: thank you for being blunt and honest with me. I would have never survived with out you.


I do not know wtf i am going to do at this point. I honestly want to just run away and not look back. After all the people in my life want nothing to do with me, and when they do they only want what they want and nothing more. I never matter, I am never a factor in any desion made. My words mean nothing and my presence only makes most of you leave.

I never once thought that any of this could ever be true for me. I guess I was way wrong. I am going to deal with some issues today and while I am doing that I think I am going to try to set a living situation up to where people no longer have to deal with me everyday.

I guess we will see about all of this. cause i would rather drive off of HWY 23 or HWY 62




EDIT: oh, i would love it if my screen name was changed and this ended up being my last post. my husband doesn't need to deal with trying to get my shit off of here and such. Please & Thank you!





/me hopes she goes on that trip she has been plaining...
 
/me send you a lots of hugs


I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better but I would like to say to you: try to be happy!
Stop thinking about other people for a while (family, friends or whatever) and think about yourself, have some time for YOU and ENJOY. Once you are happy with who you are and feel proud of it, you can put some energy in having the relationships with the persons you would like to be friends with.

I'm really sorry if you're feeling down and lost, but don"t give up :D
 
I've been feeling a bit of the "Nobody cares about me" too lately. I think Kiwi said it well. I don't get it either, but it's entirely possible, that it could get better. This world is a harsh place, but it's the only one we got, might as well make the best of it. Good luck, seriously.
 
Silk, if you ever need to talk to someone, I will gladly be there for you or anyone for that matter. I've had my bouts of very rough times. I'm sure mine doesn't compare to yours but going through this basically alone makes it harder. Please try to find some light in your life to embrace and cherish. I'll be thinking of you and my heart, prayers go out to you.

You are worth happiness. Always remember that. WE all are.
 
Silk, you ignorant slut, lol, just kidding. Just be yourself and tell everyone who expects you to be perfect to fuck off. I share your pain but remember, you get used to it once you realize that almost everyone is an asshole and you don't have to cater to them, just endure their existence. There's no reason to run away, you'll just find different assholes. Don't think about harming yourself, there's always a chance of a happier life and you'd be cheating yourself. Better days will come, trust me.
 
People are brutal. They always will be.

Letting them get to you is an easy thing to do. Trust me, that is something I know all too well. I spent years trying to get my dad to act like he actually gave a damn only to have him tell my little brother and I that we were worthless. All my life, it seems like I've been told that. It's not something easy to handle. However, you can let it slide off your back and realize that you're a better person than these people. You give love where they do not.

Running away and self harm is the easy way out of a situation. The hard way is living through life and learning about it, and learning to cope with your situation, your fears, your anger, and your happiness. I choose learning, because at least I know that one day I can look back and say - I made it through that part of my life and I learned a lot about myself.

You've always been nice to me, and I see you as a good person. Don't let the remarks of others get you down. Keep your head up, because in the end, you are much better than any of them.

I wish you luck, and send you love in any decision that you decide to make. I also wish you better days, and more smiles.
 
WTF Silk? Where the fuck did this come from? Sure, you've had your rants on here about your family and hubby and such, but overall you seemed to be a very down to earth, regular person.

People suck. That's why I'm a hermit, as much as I can be. Unfortunately, my work requires that I deal with people...so that's why I drink. Well, not really...I've slowed down on that a fair bit. Which is why I try not to deal with people when I'm not working or drinking.

Sorry this is happening to you, Silk. Keep us updated...my MSN addy is in my profile if you want it. Alot of people say I'm good at listening...personally it depends on my mood.

I wish ya all the best!
 
your forgetting something you fucking rock your the best a beast among men nothing can keep you down nothing your just to good. simply walk around like you rule the world and nothing can stop you it's always worked for me
 
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