It's been quite a while since I've made a post or thread on wtf.com, annnd I've got a few things to get off my chest. Bare with me if they seem a bit weird, selfish, or anything of the sort. Just things that have been on my mind or happened in my life in the past year or two.
Death - I've been struggling with this concept the past few months. I can't sleep in my room or without a t.v. running to keep me from thinking about it. About how in 100 years, when the world has changed, I won't be here to see it. In a 100 years, when my family has changed, my children are old, my home is different, I won't be here to see. I'll be dead. I often wonder what it's like life after death, is it just blank, or what goes on. I'm kinda scared to know, kinda scared to deal with death, and I get this weird feeling that makes me unable to sleep, or concentrate. The feeling is just miserable, and I'm tired of dealing with it.
Family - When I speak of my family, I mainly mean my brother. He has been the main problem in my family. Everything that has gone wrong, or will go wrong, circulates around him. He's been involved in drugs, burglary, violence and other stupid shit that could of been prevented along time ago. He's been in jail, he recently had a kid last June, and he can't make rent or keep a job. He is also 18, and just out of the house.. The only thing keeping him out is my dad and his money. If it weren't for my brothers kid, my dad's grandson, my brother would be on the street. It bothers me to know this, to see my brother use his kid as a tool to get money from my father. I also see my fathers pain and stress to see this stuff going on. My brother doesn't realize that he isn't just hurting one person, but everyone around him. The stress is taking a toll on my dad, who is already stressed over his job and other issues in his life. I hate to see it happen, and I can't do much about it, and it depresses me. It's my own father, who spent his life devoted to raising his kids, and to get this in return. Is just unbelievable.
Self-esteem - I have non what-so-ever. I don't talk much in fear I might say something stupid, or say something wrong. I can't ever look anyone in the eye's when talking, or look them in the eye's period. It hurts. I can't say what I want, or do what I want, and I kinda exclude myself from the world. I kinda just sit in the back round, and watch people do what they do. I'm pretty sure it all plays back into my childhood somewhat; my drunken step-mother, or my mom who didn't give a shit about me, or the older step-sister that would put me down anyway she could to make herself feel better. People just don't realize the little things they say, or do, can affect someone so much in the long run.
Work - Lately I've been feeling that I haven't been working hard in school or at my job. I don't feel important like I used to at my job, and I don't feel like I've been working hard enough at school. The grades don't reflect that, but it just feels so. Makes me feel like shit, like I'm not doing my part in something. Like I could be doing something more, but I just can't..
Anyways, this is getting a bit long so I'll just stop here. Feels a bit better to "vent" I guess.
Death - I've been struggling with this concept the past few months. I can't sleep in my room or without a t.v. running to keep me from thinking about it. About how in 100 years, when the world has changed, I won't be here to see it. In a 100 years, when my family has changed, my children are old, my home is different, I won't be here to see. I'll be dead. I often wonder what it's like life after death, is it just blank, or what goes on. I'm kinda scared to know, kinda scared to deal with death, and I get this weird feeling that makes me unable to sleep, or concentrate. The feeling is just miserable, and I'm tired of dealing with it.
Family - When I speak of my family, I mainly mean my brother. He has been the main problem in my family. Everything that has gone wrong, or will go wrong, circulates around him. He's been involved in drugs, burglary, violence and other stupid shit that could of been prevented along time ago. He's been in jail, he recently had a kid last June, and he can't make rent or keep a job. He is also 18, and just out of the house.. The only thing keeping him out is my dad and his money. If it weren't for my brothers kid, my dad's grandson, my brother would be on the street. It bothers me to know this, to see my brother use his kid as a tool to get money from my father. I also see my fathers pain and stress to see this stuff going on. My brother doesn't realize that he isn't just hurting one person, but everyone around him. The stress is taking a toll on my dad, who is already stressed over his job and other issues in his life. I hate to see it happen, and I can't do much about it, and it depresses me. It's my own father, who spent his life devoted to raising his kids, and to get this in return. Is just unbelievable.
Self-esteem - I have non what-so-ever. I don't talk much in fear I might say something stupid, or say something wrong. I can't ever look anyone in the eye's when talking, or look them in the eye's period. It hurts. I can't say what I want, or do what I want, and I kinda exclude myself from the world. I kinda just sit in the back round, and watch people do what they do. I'm pretty sure it all plays back into my childhood somewhat; my drunken step-mother, or my mom who didn't give a shit about me, or the older step-sister that would put me down anyway she could to make herself feel better. People just don't realize the little things they say, or do, can affect someone so much in the long run.
Work - Lately I've been feeling that I haven't been working hard in school or at my job. I don't feel important like I used to at my job, and I don't feel like I've been working hard enough at school. The grades don't reflect that, but it just feels so. Makes me feel like shit, like I'm not doing my part in something. Like I could be doing something more, but I just can't..
Anyways, this is getting a bit long so I'll just stop here. Feels a bit better to "vent" I guess.
