asiudfhwie
New member
Welcome to another edition Woodreaux's RoadRage Quarterly. A long time ago I tapped into an enormous source of time to think: waiting at red lights. Although my patience is legendary and envied even by Jedi Masters and Buddhist monks, I occasionally get just a little annoyed by the unnecessary waiting. It usually happens when I've got half a pot of coffee in my bladder, and I'm on my way to give some Hollywood actresses my special Golden Shower spa treatment and some asstard is busy jacking off while the light is green light.
When my mind clear, and free of corrupting emotions or bodily urges I can study the phenomenon of waiting in traffic objectively. Here are the highlights of my studies (note, this stuff involves numbers, so if you're too lazy or dumb to pass basic Algebra, skip to next paragraph): drivers' reaction time seam to follow a bell curve. If you graph the number of seconds between the time one driver takes his foot of the brake pedal and the moment the one behind him does against frequency of those times, the average cocksocker takes about 2 whole seconds. On the really fucked up end of the curve, they're pushing almost 5 seconds. This is when the person behind the wheel is talking on their cell phone, drunk, elderly or watching gay porn. On my end of the scale, the values are negative because my situational awareness prompts me to watch a few cars ahead-- so my foot is usually off the break before the decrepid bastard in from of me (except when the asshole in front of me is an SUV-tard or driving a Penis-Mightier hence brocking my vision). There's just no acceptable reason for this. The speed of light is 299,792,458 m/s. For sake of simplicity, we'll assume that green paint on the photons travelling from the traffic signal to moron's eye is slowing them down to 100,000,000 m/s. A decent estimate on distance between the stop line and the signals accross 6 lanes (2 lanes plus a turning lane each way divided by a median) is about 6*10 meters + 20 meters for the median = 80 meters, which we'll round up to a hundred. This means it takes 100 meters / (100,000,000 meters/seconds) = 10 microseconds for green light to reach the retard's eye. Being an expert armchair psycho-neuro-endocrinologist, I know electronic impulses sent thru nerves and synapsis from the retina to cerebral cortex should register as conscious information in a similiarly short time. Assuming, the driving is impaired or has Down's Syndrome, we'll assume it takes a full 100 microseconds. Once registered in their brain mush, the motor nerves should begin myomer contractions and reflexations (another very fast process because they are electrically driven). Again, I'll be generous and alot a whopping 5 milliseconds for the gay-douche to shift his wieght off the brake pedal. The total time is just over .005 seconds. What the hell are these dickheads doing during that other 995 thousanths of a second? Why do we have to wait longer?
The obvious answer is the shit-for-brains isn't looking at the traffic signal. What the fuck?!? It isn't just the scat-munchers in the front (but I'll get back them in a minute), every ass-wipe between him and me contributes to the problem. The delay grows geometrically with each retard in line, because the accelleration of each car when they finally do get off their ass, seems to decrease. There's just no reason for this. Just because your foot is on the break pedal it doesn't excuse you from your duties as a driver. It's a fucking redlight, not a coffee break, asshole! Just as you are required to decellerate at the right time to avoid collisions it also important accellerate on time so you don't cause congestion of our highways.
Dumbasses in front, I ain't finish with yall. Nothing, not even a Vote Pro-Life bumper sticker, says "I have shit for brains" like halling ass toward a red light, slamming on your breaks then inching forward 5 times a second then sitting their for three seconds after the light turns green.
Note to editors: the U.K. version of this masterpiece should read "We're waiting in bloody queue, it's not tea-time, you fucking wanker"
When my mind clear, and free of corrupting emotions or bodily urges I can study the phenomenon of waiting in traffic objectively. Here are the highlights of my studies (note, this stuff involves numbers, so if you're too lazy or dumb to pass basic Algebra, skip to next paragraph): drivers' reaction time seam to follow a bell curve. If you graph the number of seconds between the time one driver takes his foot of the brake pedal and the moment the one behind him does against frequency of those times, the average cocksocker takes about 2 whole seconds. On the really fucked up end of the curve, they're pushing almost 5 seconds. This is when the person behind the wheel is talking on their cell phone, drunk, elderly or watching gay porn. On my end of the scale, the values are negative because my situational awareness prompts me to watch a few cars ahead-- so my foot is usually off the break before the decrepid bastard in from of me (except when the asshole in front of me is an SUV-tard or driving a Penis-Mightier hence brocking my vision). There's just no acceptable reason for this. The speed of light is 299,792,458 m/s. For sake of simplicity, we'll assume that green paint on the photons travelling from the traffic signal to moron's eye is slowing them down to 100,000,000 m/s. A decent estimate on distance between the stop line and the signals accross 6 lanes (2 lanes plus a turning lane each way divided by a median) is about 6*10 meters + 20 meters for the median = 80 meters, which we'll round up to a hundred. This means it takes 100 meters / (100,000,000 meters/seconds) = 10 microseconds for green light to reach the retard's eye. Being an expert armchair psycho-neuro-endocrinologist, I know electronic impulses sent thru nerves and synapsis from the retina to cerebral cortex should register as conscious information in a similiarly short time. Assuming, the driving is impaired or has Down's Syndrome, we'll assume it takes a full 100 microseconds. Once registered in their brain mush, the motor nerves should begin myomer contractions and reflexations (another very fast process because they are electrically driven). Again, I'll be generous and alot a whopping 5 milliseconds for the gay-douche to shift his wieght off the brake pedal. The total time is just over .005 seconds. What the hell are these dickheads doing during that other 995 thousanths of a second? Why do we have to wait longer?
The obvious answer is the shit-for-brains isn't looking at the traffic signal. What the fuck?!? It isn't just the scat-munchers in the front (but I'll get back them in a minute), every ass-wipe between him and me contributes to the problem. The delay grows geometrically with each retard in line, because the accelleration of each car when they finally do get off their ass, seems to decrease. There's just no reason for this. Just because your foot is on the break pedal it doesn't excuse you from your duties as a driver. It's a fucking redlight, not a coffee break, asshole! Just as you are required to decellerate at the right time to avoid collisions it also important accellerate on time so you don't cause congestion of our highways.
Dumbasses in front, I ain't finish with yall. Nothing, not even a Vote Pro-Life bumper sticker, says "I have shit for brains" like halling ass toward a red light, slamming on your breaks then inching forward 5 times a second then sitting their for three seconds after the light turns green.
Note to editors: the U.K. version of this masterpiece should read "We're waiting in bloody queue, it's not tea-time, you fucking wanker"