...on my mind so often? When I was little, I had this unwanted sexual experience. I’m older now and for the first time ever have actually been able to think about it without getting sick. I think about it logically and I realize that I have no idea why I’m upset. I mean, if I think about it “in-depth” it’s disturbing and gross. This summer I (privately) cried over it (haha, that’s lame), and when I’m (privately) stressed out over school I cry and start panicking and part way through the panicking I think about the unwanted incident and cry more, but I think it just happens to coincide with my panicking over my grades on those occasions. Generally, like right now, I don’t associate any feeling with it (that’s how I handled it as a child, but I don’t know what’s going on now).
I always thought I’d keep my secret forever, but I guess it’d only be fair if I get married one day to tell that guy since it was gross. This is sick and disgusting, but I worry that it’s like a turn on (sorry) to me or something (like if whoever he would be could say it’s okay); kind of like if he was okay with not having sex. Those things are beyond embarrassing to admit. Maybe a turn on isn’t what I mean, because arousal isn’t a good feeling. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just want to know how I feel and I can’t imagine telling anyone who is currently in my life (like my parents), because that’s really personal and who wants to bring their body to the attention of their parents or tell their parents they can't stop getting sick over the female body and their own body?
I’m worried now, because I don’t want to be a sicko. I also hate that I transfer my stress over other stuff onto it just because I have hope for solving it whereas no amount of volunteering cures the world (which makes me sad) and I still ruined my average in one of my classes by getting an answer wrong on a test.
Do you think anyone else has had a reaction like this? Also, how do I know if I care? And if I care , why do I care?
I appreciate your time. Thank you.
I always thought I’d keep my secret forever, but I guess it’d only be fair if I get married one day to tell that guy since it was gross. This is sick and disgusting, but I worry that it’s like a turn on (sorry) to me or something (like if whoever he would be could say it’s okay); kind of like if he was okay with not having sex. Those things are beyond embarrassing to admit. Maybe a turn on isn’t what I mean, because arousal isn’t a good feeling. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just want to know how I feel and I can’t imagine telling anyone who is currently in my life (like my parents), because that’s really personal and who wants to bring their body to the attention of their parents or tell their parents they can't stop getting sick over the female body and their own body?
I’m worried now, because I don’t want to be a sicko. I also hate that I transfer my stress over other stuff onto it just because I have hope for solving it whereas no amount of volunteering cures the world (which makes me sad) and I still ruined my average in one of my classes by getting an answer wrong on a test.
Do you think anyone else has had a reaction like this? Also, how do I know if I care? And if I care , why do I care?
I appreciate your time. Thank you.